was she insane or manipulated my BPD parents...

[Calm Waters]

This is all so complicate now. I spent yesterday with my brother organising all of the stuff to do with my mothers death, she left a will for me to look after 30 years ago with a suicide note inside that I was shocked to discover as at the time she hated my father who had abused her terribly.All of her estate was left to me and my brother.

I now discover today she did another will 10 or so years later leaving everything to my father! No mention of me my brother or my son who was at that point of the second will 4 years old and her first and only grandchild.

I cant understand such a change and especially that she never asked me to destroy the first will and left me to discover the suicide note. I cant understand why she didnt ask me to destroy it rather than leaving me to discover the note.

She kept meticulous records and wont have forgotten about the first will and what was in it, this has left me very confused, especially when she died my father had continued to neglect her and she had hidden and colluded in it. ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and its making me ruminate even more than after my exBPD gfs suicide attempt last year and my sons near sectioning for suicidal tendencies. MAD!

[PrettyPlease]

This is all so complicate now. I spent yesterday with my brother organising all of the stuff to do with my mothers death... . [snip]

MAD!

Ah Calm Waters,

I'm very sorry to hear this. My mother's death had different details (I'd seen the last will, so that wasn't a surprise), but in the sense of my discovering troubling evidence that she was seriously deranged, it was the same. It's only folk knowledge, but still may be true, that older people become more like themselves as they get older -- narrow down into their core personality quirks, if you will -- and if you apply that to somebody who has a PD, then you've got serious trouble.

I know this may not help much, but I can tell you that you're not alone in this. My mother's death was tragic, and I couldn't help going through a 'it didn't have to be like this' and a 'why didn't she tell me' -- and I think those things are natural. But somebody with intensifying BPD just isn't going to do that, they're going to get crazier and more paranoid and more resentful and more volatile and there's no way around it.

I've also just looked at your other posts and see you have a strong concern that your father may have gaslighted her and been partially or fully responsible. I see you are considering getting medical records.

Here's my experience with that: I felt at first that my mother's death might have been caused by malpractice at a hospital, and I got hundreds of pages of densely handwritten medical records, and traced her last weeks in the hospital, hour by hour. This was something I had to do, and I learned a lot, and it allowed me to let it go. What I learned was that everybody in the hospital did their best, and that some of their best wasn't all that great, and all together maybe her death was hastened by the whole context -- BUT, I couldn't avoid learning also that she wasn't happy, really really wasn't happy, and was making their job a lot harder, as if she wanted to go. I learned that there really wasn't anybody I could blame for the way things turned out, except the Universe.

And I do blame the Universe, and it makes me feel a bit better. Not much, but it's something.   

PP

[Calm Waters]

pretty please, thanks I have felt so isolated and confused all night here in the uk ruminating about this, you words are wise I think you are correct, but like you I feel I owe it to my mother to satisfy myself that she was not neglected or abused, I have read her diaries and she was clearly lonely and isolated, profoundly deaf crippled physically and mentally doubly incontinent but still did not ask for help and the obvious signs were ignored by the GP Practice and my Father. THis was a safeguarding issue for a very vulnerable adult, self neglect is well know and understood but still the signs were missed. My brother and i did our best but against and NPD father and BPD mother we just couldn't get through to them that they were living in squallor, it shouldnt be happening with the information and knowledge we have, its tragic. So I will satisfy myself and then i can let it rest, Im grateful to you

[Phoenix.Rising]

Calm Waters,  I'm sure I would feel angry and confused like you.  It doesn't seem honest that she left you her first will and then did not tell you about the second will.  However, as we know, dealing with a pwBPD rarely makes much sense. 

Have you read anything about Acceptance?  I'm sure you are dealing with a myriad of emotions right now, and it's probably best to let yourself feel all of your feelings.  For me, when I can get to a place of acceptance, then I am able to find some peace of mind.  This may take some time.  It also helps me to look at my current situation right now, as in are my basic needs met?  Shelter, food, clothing, companionship, etc.  This puts things in perspective when I feel like I haven't been treated fairly.  I wish you peace.