Another Step Back

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really don't know if I am ever going to be okay after this.

I was on a cloud the past few days.  Feeling hopeful, determined, fearless, and content, maybe.  I've been reading that BPD and NPD have realtionships for a long time, and maybe the new guy is a NPD, certainly seems like it.

I feel the shock of the betrayal and her moving so fast with this guy after 14 years with me is over even accepting that this is how it is right now.  But I don't believe after 14 years of being with someone is going to be a short recovery... . and I'm scared of the pain, embarrassment, failure, and I can't shake the thoughts of her with this other guy.  These are some questions that race through my mind:

How long is this going to last with this Narcissist Millionaire guy?

Why what I gave was not enough?

Are they going to move in together?

Why won't she call?

Does she feel guilt/shame at all?

Is she thinking about me at all?

Will she ever contact me again?

Is she in love with this guy or his potential?

How can I get her back and make her realize she messed up?  Is that even possible?

Is she embarrassed for the betrayal? 

Does she even know this guy may be using her?

Will this guy see through her mask or ask her to marry him?

The guy is allot older than her and has never had kids or been married .  But at some point don't people want to finally settle down, have kids, and get married?

UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Wish I could have stayed aslepp today... . wake me up in three years, please

[arn131arn]

I really don't know if I am ever going to be okay after this.

I was on a cloud the past few days.  Feeling hopeful, determined, fearless, and content, maybe.  I've been reading that BPD and NPD have realtionships for a long time, and maybe the new guy is a NPD, certainly seems like it.

I feel the shock of the betrayal and her moving so fast with this guy after 14 years with me is over even accepting that this is how it is right now.  But I don't believe after 14 years of being with someone is going to be a short recovery... . and I'm scared of the pain, embarrassment, failure, and I can't shake the thoughts of her with this other guy.  These are some questions that race through my mind:

How long is this going to last with this Narcissist Millionaire guy?

Why what I gave was not enough?

Are they going to move in together?

Why won't she call?

Does she feel guilt/shame at all?

Is she thinking about me at all?

Will she ever contact me again?

Is she in love with this guy or his potential?

How can I get her back and make her realize she messed up?  Is that even possible?

Is she embarrassed for the betrayal? 

Does she even know this guy may be using her?

Will this guy see through her mask or ask her to marry him?

The guy is allot older than her and has never had kids or been married .  But at some point don't people want to finally settle down, have kids, and get married?

UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Wish I could have stayed aslepp today... . wake me up in three years, please

[love4meNOTu]

I really don't know if I am ever going to be okay after this. - Yes you will be Arn.

I was on a cloud the past few days.  Feeling hopeful, determined, fearless, and content, maybe.  I've been reading that BPD and NPD have realtionships for a long time, and maybe the new guy is a NPD, certainly seems like it. It might be a good idea to stop reading about her / them and start reading about how to help you.

I feel the shock of the betrayal and her moving so fast with this guy after 14 years with me is over even accepting that this is how it is right now.  But I don't believe after 14 years of being with someone is going to be a short recovery... . and I'm scared of the pain, embarrassment, failure, and I can't shake the thoughts of her with this other guy.  These are some questions that race through my mind:

How long is this going to last with this Narcissist Millionaire guy? - Don't know, but her behavior with him will eventually be as callous as it was with you.



Why what I gave was not enough?

Sweetie, she did not give you enough, this is not your fault. You did not make her be an adulterer. That takes a "special" sort of character.



Are they going to move in together?



I doubt it lasts that long, and if it does we will deal with it then. Right now it is not the truth, and is not happening. And you really think he wants your kids around, yea right.

Why won't she call?

She is punishing you, don't let her do this to you. She knows it hurts you, but still does it. It's not what a mature adult does to their partner, or even their ex partner. It is shameful.

Does she feel guilt/shame at all?

Deep down, yes. But not that she could admit it now. It will come out in other ways, like what she is doing to your family now. She is not happy.

Is she thinking about me at all?

She thinks about you enough to want to hurt you, so yes, she does.

Will she ever contact me again?

I'm afraid so. You will need to be very strong when she does. Because believe me, she will "need" you then. Ahem.

Is she in love with this guy or his potential?

BPD's don't love, not in the way you or I do, so I would assume she loves him for whatever need she has right at this moment. That could change tomorrow. It's not real love.

How can I get her back and make her realize she messed up?  Is that even possible?

If it is meant to be, it will be, and nothing could keep you apart. Right now her choice is to not be with you, and that's ok, because you are better off, whether you believe it or not.

Is she embarrassed for the betrayal? 

Probably not, or she would not be acting like she is.

Does she even know this guy may be using her?

Yes, it could be a "mutually" using relationship. They each need something from the other. Doesn't sound like love to me.

Will this guy see through her mask or ask her to marry him?

Has this man been married in the past? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. But there will come a day when you no longer care, although it is hard to believe now.

The guy is allot older than her and has never had kids or been married .  But at some point don't people want to finally settle down, have kids, and get married?

You aren't a good mind reader, don't try.

UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Wish I could have stayed aslepp today... . wake me up in three years, please

Ok, just wanna pass this along my dear dear arn... .

You are loved, you are valuable and you are a good person. Saying a prayer for you right now. That you will overcome the pain you are in right now and focus on your children. Because there is real love in this world, and it is the love you have for them. Remember that whenever you think she "loves" you. Does it really compare? To the truth? To what real love is?

God bless,

L

[Perfidy]

Arn... The article here... Lifting. I read that today. It helped me. The part about the obsessive thinking. I really do understand what you are going through. We're all in this together and believe it or not all these poopy feelings are standard. They will pass. One moment first, then a minute. Ten. Then you go back to a moment. I get the same way after almost a year. Today I'm a little set back myself. Healing. There's some good stuff on this board today. I talked with a close friend of mine today. He mentioned the ex. Just mentioned her... . I'm dwelling and obsessing again. Just like you are. I have totally lost track of her. On purpose. I know she cannot help me in any way shape or form. I know I must treat her like poison, because that what she is to me. The final stage is acceptance. It is a process and it takes time. Ttyl

[Pearl55]

Arn

You will be fine. Obviously, you don't know what is BPD!

Why you are so obsessed with that dysfunctional woman? She is not able to love anybody. Her feelings and emotions are very different to yours! She is only emotionally 3 years old! Be sorry for the new guy.

You're very lucky that she left you. You will be glad in few months.

[arn131arn]

Thanks, ya'll. Just feel like a crazy person. I go out at 3 in the morning to drive... . DRIVE my car around. When I'm driving I have my music on and talk to her. I have these future conversations with her... . I mean that is crazy isn't it? I am in my car early in the morning, driving bc I cant sleep, and having a hiting conversation with someone who is NOT even there! Maybe I have BPD? Jesus, every black SUV is his, every bruenette is her, I am going crazy... .

[love4meNOTu]

Thanks, ya'll. Just feel like a crazy person. I go out at 3 in the morning to drive... . DRIVE my car around. When I'm driving I have my music on and talk to her. I have these future conversations with her... . I mean that is crazy isn't it? I am in my car early in the morning, driving bc I cant sleep, and having a ing conversation with someone who is NOT even there! Maybe I have BPD? Jesus, every black SUV is his, every bruenette is her, I am going crazy... .

Arn...

Please try this.

When a thought of the two of them comes into your mind say this:

"Not right now".

Keep saying it, even if you have to do it every five seconds.

It works.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Thanks, ya'll. Just feel like a crazy person. I go out at 3 in the morning to drive... . DRIVE my car around. When I'm driving I have my music on and talk to her. I have these future conversations with her... . I mean that is crazy isn't it? I am in my car early in the morning, driving bc I cant sleep, and having a ing conversation with someone who is NOT even there! Maybe I have BPD? Jesus, every black SUV is his, every bruenette is her, I am going crazy... .

Been there done that Arn! All of it. You are not crazy. It is your mind processing the incomprehensible that's all. Also,  The feeling great one day like you are over it and then falling hard is part of healing I have noticed.

As far as BPD and npd being able to have a relationship I have heard that theory too. Let's say that is the case. Would you really want to exchange being healthy with being npd to be with her?  Even if they seem to stay together for a while it will without a doubt be tortuous. It is a personality disorder.  My guess is though it won't last. How can it really.

[arn131arn]

I will never be able to give her the things this guy can. I busted my ass, saved a year for her ring, it was a nice one, but she would look at her soccer mom's rings, and then to her's in disappointment, all in front of me. I saved another year for our home, remodeled it, and then paid the bils every month. Not once did she tell me how much that meant to her, that she valued that I was a man working hard to provide for them and give her nice things. I will never give her the million dollar home in that certain neighborhood, the mega mansion on the coast, the condo downtown. Never. I feel like she took my worth as a man, my eagerness to provide for my family, my adequacy and put it in a blender making it all sludge. Everything in that house-she picked out. Cabinets, granite, firepalce, wall color, floors, bathtubs, fixtures, and it just wasn't enough. That is what kills me... . knowing that it wasn't enough for her. How does a man get past that?

[Pearl55]

Arn

You are not BPD!

I used to drive for hours and listen to loud music and cry. I wasn't obsess with my ex but I couldn't forgive myself for being such an ignorant woman.

Your wife was a waif so probably you didn't witnessed so much insanities that's why you are so shucked. My husband was insane most of the time and I ignored them all.

For example once I accidentally hit his face by my elbow while we were in bed and I apologised but kicked me out our bedroom and then took all my clothes out of the wardrobe and shouted at me to go downstairs to sleep! Next day everything was normal like nothing has happened! Why I didn't ask psychiatrist what's wrong with him! Why I let myself to ruin my son's life. What logical mind used think this man was normal?

How could I possibly think a normal brain act like this?

Accepting is the hardest part and I go back and forth to denial and anger. I go to bed and shiver most nights and ask myself what I've done to my life!

So be glad for your loss.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I will never be able to give her the things this guy can. I busted my ass, saved a year for her ring, it was a nice one, but she would look at her soccer mom's rings, and then to her's in disappointment, all in front of me. I saved another year for our home, remodeled it, and then paid the bils every month. Not once did she tell me how much that meant to her, that she valued that I was a man working hard to provide for them and give her nice things. I will never give her the million dollar home in that certain neighborhood, the mega mansion on the coast, the condo downtown. Never. I feel like she took my worth as a man, my eagerness to provide for my family, my adequacy and put it in a blender making it all sludge. Everything in that house-she picked out. Cabinets, granite, firepalce, wall color, floors, bathtubs, fixtures, and it just wasn't enough. That is what kills me... . knowing that it wasn't enough for her. How does a man get past that?

You gave her the moon but I noticed as well the best was never good enough. They are never satisfied. Have an underlieing sense of entitlement and they are empty. How do you fill that up? Plus it's like running water through a colander.

Most healthy women would thank their lucky stars to have what she had with you. What you gave her. It's not your fault.

[Waifed]

I will never be able to give her the things this guy can. I busted my ass, saved a year for her ring, it was a nice one, but she would look at her soccer mom's rings, and then to her's in disappointment, all in front of me. I saved another year for our home, remodeled it, and then paid the bils every month. Not once did she tell me how much that meant to her, that she valued that I was a man working hard to provide for them and give her nice things. I will never give her the million dollar home in that certain neighborhood, the mega mansion on the coast, the condo downtown. Never. I feel like she took my worth as a man, my eagerness to provide for my family, my adequacy and put it in a blender making it all sludge. Everything in that house-she picked out. Cabinets, granite, firepalce, wall color, floors, bathtubs, fixtures, and it just wasn't enough. That is what kills me... . knowing that it wasn't enough for her. How does a man get past that?

Arn

I promise you BPD will win out no matter how much money this guy has. A borderline will not ultimately settle with someone because they are handsome or rich or sweet. The nature of the illness prevents this from happening. The are in perpetual pursuit of something that only exist in the movies. You will likely be the person she always tries to return too. You will realize in time that you don't want her. It just takes time and a lot of processing. You are so early in this process after a long marriage. You don't have BPD. After 14 years you have likely picked up some of her "habits" but they will fix themselves over time. Try not to be hard on yourself. You will have a lot of periods when you take a few steps back. It hurts so bad. I used to wonder how a human could hurt so bad and still survive. That will slowly fade away. After 4 months I no longer hurt but I still have a lot of times where I wonder how she is doing. I was with her for 3 years. You may take longer since you were together for 14. Don't fight it. Go with your feelings. Cry if you need too. In 47 years I have never cried as much as I did the first 3 months. I fought it for a while and finally decided to let the tears flow.

My point is you are very early in the healing process. So early that you are hoping for a reunion. You will have good days and bad for quite a while.  Feel your emotions. Process. You will want to heal at some point. It will continue to hurt for a while.  :)reams will cause ruminations. Gradually the hurt will subside. You will continue to think about her. Depression will lift. One day you will wake up and realize you haven't thought about her in a long time. How long does all of this take?  Impossible to answer but it will happen. The human mind is an incredible thing when it is fully operational.

[Perfidy]

We've all been there arn. Trying to reason the unreasonable and questioning our own sanity. I truley feel for you.