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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: ER visit/hospital stay  (Read 4043 times)
damage control
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« on: January 04, 2014, 09:27:27 PM »

Hi everyone.

I'm not exactly sure how to put all of this so I am just going to say it and bring you all up to date for those who are kind enough to read my posts and respond.

As you may recall, Friday was proving to be particularly tough for me ... . it was a combination of things but I was still reeling from the comment made on Thursday by my ex about him not finding me physically attractive ... . it still hurts to even write that down.

I was ready to move on Friday - packed - and I was waiting for the ex to return as he had said he was going to grab me some cigarettes while he was out ... hours and hours went by and I was getting more and more distressed about everything ... I had touched base with my T the night before as I could feel myself slipping but really, what happened was all but inevitable ... I knew it was coming.

I walked to the store and bought a bottle of vodka and a packet of razor blades. I got thoroughly drunk and slit open my inner thigh ... it took a few turns and a few more shots but I managed to get pretty deep ... I was very much trying to end things.

I remember the ex coming outside where I was and asking why I was covered in blood, I have no idea what we talked about after that but he left and I remember taking my dog and trying to get to the park on our front yard so I could be alone and finish off what I needed to.

Apparently after that I was pretty out of it and the ex and the girl who lives down the back called an ambulance - which arrived with 4 police cars ... I woke up at the hospital and the police had sectioned me because I needed 12 or so stitches and it was a deep cut.

I have been stuck there for 2 days trying to convince them to let me go ... I was completely strung out Friday night so it has taken a bit of convincing for them to let me out.

When I got back home (the old place) the ex had tidied up my room and packed this computer etc into his room ... he came outside and apart from telling me how worried he was he asked if this had been "for his benefit". When I asked him exactly what he meant by that (and that no, it wasn't for anyone's 'benefit' he said he had to know if it had been due to him or if it was everything else that has been going on. I told him that I didn't know what to say, and was happy to respond any way he wanted me to.

There was a bit more than that but after talking for about half an hour, we packed my bags into the car that was taking me and I left.

He and I hugged, he told me that he wants to keep in touch but that it is entirely up to me.

On the way here the BF of the girl who was driving me called and said that he and the ex had found a house for the 4 of us and they were going to go and look at it today.

I cried the whole way here and really, am in no condition to be home at all ... but I needed to get back to my dog as I knew she would be stressing ... this has all been building since NYE really, I think his trip away was almost the last straw and, as I posted, the comment was the final nail.

No hope left, no pride left, I am out of any of it.

I am struggling to find a way through today but, I have no razors or alcohol (the ex confiscated it all) so ... I don't think anything will happen. I can't tell anybody how I feel because they will just lock me up again ...

I'm sorry for the brutal honesty but I can't say these things aloud.
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« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2014, 09:39:20 PM »

I was there in September DC. After 6 months of the silent treatment I was about to do the same thing. My instinct told me not to, the thought of my son, the same. That same instinct that told me to not marry her, to not give her the engagement ring back, that same instinct to not put her name on the house... . that instinct that has saved my life over and over again

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« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2014, 09:47:19 PM »

DC, I so wish these were real-life hugs.   

It sounds like it would be good for you not to be alone and actually to have some people taking care of you for a change.  I'm not familiar with the mental health treatment situation in Australia but can you seek voluntary admission where you just were, unless you found it to be a bad place? Or some other in patient facility?

Can your pup go to a kennel for a day or so to make that possible?  Might there be a social worker associated with the treatment place who could help with that?

Could I suggest just calling a social worker associated with that facility to talk through options and ask what help is available so you don't find yourself being involuntarily admitted again?

I'm in the US but do some work with involuntary commitment cases and in our jurisdiction, someone at risk of suicide but seeking voluntary admission would definitely be admitted voluntarily, not "committed," meaning you could leave when you want and need to.

I can't believe the ex left you there for hours waiting for him to return on that day and in those circumstances.  And I am astounded at his comment "was this for my benefit."  As though of all the issues, the most important is that HE not be made to feel bad, and that you not have attempted to make him feel bad.

This stuff -- being set aside by someone who'd convinced you he saw into your soul and loved it -- is just devastating.  It shouldn't be minimized how much damage it does.  I'd never before in my life questioned the point of my existence and I did after my ex left and left and left in all the ways he left.

More   .  Please keep letting us know how you are.

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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2014, 09:50:01 PM »

I am so sorry to here this DC. Please keep in mind that you have many people here that care very much about your well being. Depression is very debilitating but it will get better. Always remember that. Don't give up on us!
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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2014, 09:50:04 PM »

Hmmm.  Wondered what was up with you, we hadn't heard in a couple days.  Last we heard he had hurt you again with his comment, but things were looking up because you had found a place to live and were moving; I was hoping that everything went well and you hadn't gotten a new internet connection yet, so no updates.  Nope.  You went entirely the other way.  Very concerning that you got suicidal, but also an opportunity.  What were you thinking before you bought the booze and the blades?  What can you do better next time to handle your emotions differently?  Obviously this guy has his hooks in you deep, honestly I don't know how you've lived in the same house with him through all this, I could never do that, but clearly you need to get away.  Of course he's going to be concerned now because you shocked him, but you know by now that is temporary and it's back to the same-old when you get your feet on the ground a little.  There are deeper issues than just him though, methinks, and it's a good thing you're talking to a shrink.  Take care of you and keep us posted.
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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2014, 09:59:18 PM »

DC... .

Please know that there is a community of people out here who care about you more than you can imagine.  I wish we could show you our faces-you would see so much love and concern.  Without sounding trite... . I also wish we could all throw our collective arms around you-can you try to imagine that?   Is there a social worker-type of person you can talk with about options?  If you can really think about the words your ex spoke and imagine him saying them to himself... . that is more the truth.  Your situation would feel devastating to anyone... . so very very hard.  Stay with us... .    
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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2014, 10:15:24 PM »

damage control,

What happened to you is very scary and upsetting, but you are getting the help you need to deal with those unbelievable hard emotions and that is a good thing! I don't know what to say in situations like this a lot of the time, but I'm happy you're going to be okay!
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« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2014, 10:43:28 PM »

arn, waifed, P+C, heel, isseu & FMS

Thank you all for the very kind and supportive words - they truly do mean a lot.

I am not depressed ... well ... I am but not in the clinical sense. I am just  not able to deal with this constant pain any more. I got by for about a week telling myself it would get better/pass.

It hasn't and it isn't going to. It's not just about him, it's a recognition that I simply do not belong here, don't belong to anybody and that has been and always will be the case. I have no interest in letting go and/or moving on because there is nothing to move on to ... . nothing I desire anyhow.

Life is not for existing, it is for living ... but that is impossible for me it  would seem. Work, friends, travel, meals out, houses, cars ... none of that means a damn thing ... it never has. I have honestly tried these past 2 months to find solace and meaning outside of him but there just isn't anything ... . if I can be so duped and betrayed so easily ... then who I am makes no sense whatsoever.

Thanks again.
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2014, 10:47:20 PM »

DC... . keep talking to us.  We're listening.

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« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2014, 11:03:28 PM »

isseu + santa

thanks for still being around.

I am not sure what to say any more. I have vented and vented and vented here but the poison has just taken hold ... I can't seem to get it out with words.

santa - I know I am not the first, nor the last person to be betrayed - this place pays testament to that fact. I am not being vain or imagining for one moment that I am the only person in pain ...
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« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2014, 11:12:44 PM »

Where are you Damage? If you're still in that house with him, getting out needs to be priority one; all the rest comes later.
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« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2014, 11:19:10 PM »

DC

I'm so sorry to hear this relationship-break up is this bad.  What he said before was brutal.

Did you get a chance to talk with a doctor or therapist while you were in the hospital?  Talking to someone and getting some face to face support might be something to help during the hard parts.

Are you planning on moving into that house?

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« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2014, 11:27:28 PM »

Heel + mango

I have moved - got to the new place about 2-3 hours ago.

I didn't really talk to the psychs in the hospital - you may have had some exp in psych wards (especially the emergency lockdown ones) and if you have, you will know that they are not really looking to be your therapist - they are simply assessing whether or not to keep you in lockdown, admit you to a general ward or let you go ... my only aim was to get out and they kept carrying on about the size and depth of my cut so I had to play everything else down to get out ... especially as I had been pretty out of control on the night of admission ...
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« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2014, 11:45:12 PM »

Good news then. The next step is to not communicate with your ex at all; you've got a lot going on and you need some stability without the mindfck he provides. New digs, your dog, these boards, your shrink, time to mellow out and watch life get better.
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« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2014, 11:49:56 PM »

Hi DC.  I saw your posts and wanted to know what's next for you, and especially whether there's anybody around in RL ("real life" you can talk with now.

I get what you said about how it is when you're in an emergency lockdown situation.  My son went through that a few years ago - a couple of times actually.  Once he was going through a lot - he had been treated very badly as a child, and had been drinking and on drugs since he was 12, and by his mid-20s his life was really melting down, and he tried to hurt himself kind of like you did, but wrists.  The second time was even worse - he planned it and carried it out with prescription meds - he was in jail and waiting to be sentenced for some very serious stuff - stuff he had not done but he had made big mistakes and dug himself a deep hole.  When he found out he would go to prison, he took all the meds he had saved up.  Somebody noticed he was passed out, and they pumped his stomach, and then lockdown for a couple of days.  I only found out about it all a couple days later.

He told me about what it's like - they had him alone in a room with no clothes or blankets, and a big window so they could watch him - very cold and alone and humiliated and scared.  I came to see him and I was shocked - he was hardly there - couldn't have a real conversation.  Just floored me.  I went outside to my car and just cried - I'm a middle-aged guy - in the middle of the night, in the parking lot of the jail, just so scared for him.

That was 2009.  He's still in prison but will get out in about a year and a half.  I see him pretty often and take my younger kids to see him too.  He's doing very well - clean and sober - taking care of himself physically and mentally.  I wish he had access to counseling of some sort - he has to basically do that for himself by reading.  He believes that his life was saved for a purpose - I'm not a religious guy but maybe he's right about that.  He has become a very good person - honest and respectful - loves his family and does his best to help.  Sometimes my other kids write to him about their problems - sometimes they tell him stuff they don't tell me - and he writes back and helps them - much closer to us all now than before.

I wish I knew what makes it possible for someone to sink so low and then climb high.  I didn't know he had that strength - maybe he didn't - maybe he got strong by going through what he did.  He got some good counseling before he went to prison and I know he learned stuff that is still helping him.

And I'm sure that support from family, friends and peers (like here!) are a big part of it.  Sometimes you get help from places you didn't expect to.  Like when I went to Al-Anon (for people who have an alcoholic in their family) - you can quickly meet people who will give you a lot of support.

That's why I'm wondering what's next for you - whether there's anybody you can talk to right now - family, friends, church, or whoever might help you work through this difficult time.  Two heads are a lot better than one, and we're hear to talk with you, and maybe somebody in RL can help too.

Best wishes,

Matt
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« Reply #15 on: January 04, 2014, 11:57:34 PM »

Hi DC

Totally understand about CAT responses in ER (I'm in Aus too) My partner has been admitted maybe 15-20 times in the last year with OD's. All they want to know is if you are going to kill yourself today, then out the door. What happens days later is no concern.

To get yourself out of this mode, and it is a slow progress, it helps if you surround yourself with people who are not in the situation in order to create an environment of normality. It will take time but it is the only way to refocus on other things.

This is but one chapter in your life. There are many more to go, most better and maybe some not much better. But you wont know unless you stick around to live it.

Do not let feeling like a failure overwhelm you, we all feel like our world has fallen apart at some time in our lives. Now is not forever, no matter how dark it feels today.

You are not a bad person, your fortunes are just not all in alignment at the moment. You are here reaching out to others for help. That is a very positive thing to do. It is a good step. You may feel like it is a small one, but believe me it is not. It is hard to be brutally honest about these things, but is a sign of the courage you have within you to face your problems head on.

Just to emphasize that, you are not a bad person or a lost cause. You are simply a little lost at the moment
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« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2014, 12:07:45 AM »

Hi Damage Control,

I understand that you're feeling intense emotions right now-that they're just so overwhelming.

I think it's essential that you keep yourself safe. Can you do a safety plan with your therapist? A safety plan is where you plan in advance how you are going to handle suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges and try to prevent it through a range of strategies such as calling a helpline number, calling emergency services, distraction etc.  It's important that you do the safety plan out with a trained professional. It's hard to follow the safety plan when you're in crisis without the assistance of a professional. Professional support is key.

Here's a crisis helpline number for Australia: www.befrienders.org/directory?country=AU

If you feel distressed in any way, please call that number.

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) has been clinically shown to reduce self-harm and suicide attempts so I think it's an option worth pursuing. Are there DBT groups in your area that you can access? I've read that it's hard for service users to utilize the DBT skills while in crisis which is why people in DBT are provided with ongoing professional support in the form of skills training sessions, weekly individual therapy and a phone service.

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« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2014, 12:10:14 AM »

Oh dc, I wish we could give you real hugs... .  

The pain of feeling like you don't have any reason and feeling like you don't have any hope is extreme -- I know because I've been there too. I don't think there's anything anybody can say that can magically make you feel better. From my own personal experience years ago when I was about to commit suicide, I called the suicide hotline and nothing the person on the other end made any sense or difference to me. I just hung up and wondered why are other people are happy and thriving and not me? I was a person just like everybody else, so what made everybody else so darn special? Instead of ending it all, I decided to try taking it day to day to see if I could ever figure it out. Maybe sometimes we have to go through a period where we just exist and struggle with the pain in order to eventually get to a point of living and thriving.

dc, please remember also that we are here for you and listening. That you are here writing to us means you are taking postive steps.  
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« Reply #18 on: January 05, 2014, 12:13:22 AM »

Oh dc, I wish we could give you real hugs... .  

The pain of feeling like you don't have any reason and feeling like you don't have any hope is extreme -- I know because I've been there too. I don't think there's anything anybody can say that can magically make you feel better. From my own personal experience years ago when I was about to commit suicide, I called the suicide hotline and nothing the person on the other end made any sense or difference to me. I just hung up and wondered why are other people are happy and thriving and not me? I was a person just like everybody else, so what made everybody else so darn special? Instead of ending it all, I decided to try taking it day to day to see if I could ever figure it out. Maybe sometimes we have to go through a period where we just exist and struggle with the pain in order to eventually get to a point of living and thriving.

dc, please remember also that we are here for you and listening. That you are here writing to us means you are taking postive steps.  

LC, was it helpful to call the hotline anyway - even though they couldn't fix everything, and you weren't really ready to hear everything they had to say - did it still help to have somebody you could talk to right then?
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« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2014, 12:39:23 AM »

My partner regular calls Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14 when she starts feeling like this.
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« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2014, 12:42:37 AM »

Hey Matt, the answer is YES, calling the suicide hotline  was actually the catalyst. If I hadn't had somebody to speak to at that moment, I probably wouldn't be here today. I have no idea who that person was but in a way they saved my life.

dc, please do call your local crisis hotline if you feel like you can't go on. They are ready to listen without judgement. Sometimes it helps to just hear an empathetic voice.

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« Reply #21 on: January 05, 2014, 12:43:42 AM »

Thank you to everyone for your kindness and support.

@Heel ... . yes ... I know, NC. He is trying to be such a good 'friend' and has been since he dumped me that it feels like giving up the only person I have right now, not just the man I love. But he won't contact me for a little while now I don't think ... he was really thrown by what happened but (of course) he has made it all about him ... I am also a bit put out by him going through my things and calling my oldest son. I have things I would never have wanted him to see ... I don't know if he even looked through my computer ... so, right now, I think perhaps what happened may give me time and space while 'he recovers'.

@matt

Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry about what happened to your son ... it's very hard for those who are close to watch and feel as someone they care for self-destructs. I get that, I really do and it's where the selfish aspect of it kicks in ... it is selfish, but 'save yourself' has different meaning/s for some of us.

I am glad he is doing better and I sincerely hope that he continues to do so. I have always struggled with SI, every day it crosses my mind at some point ... I have made a few serious attempts but nothing for about 11 years ... I thought that even though I still had these dark thoughts, that I could manage them - significantly better than I used to anyway ... but, it appears that I was wrong. I hope it is better for your son.

I don't really have anybody to talk to - hotlines are useless and even though they gave me support numbers to call, I know from experience that if I call one of those they will send an ambulance for me and put me in lockdown again ... I am not going to let that happen.

I do however have this place and all of the wonderful people here. You have no idea how grateful for that I am.

@Waverider

Thanks for your support. I know that things are particularly bad ATM but to be honest and realistic, they have never ever been good - I am not being dramatic ... they just never have been. Yes, they are way out of alignment ... but I have never been aligned and never been OK. The best I can really hope for is to 'get by'. And really. Is all of this pain and suffering worth 'getting by' for? I am unconvinced.

@MusicFan

Thanks for the info. I am reluctant to be completely honest with my T (I did tell her on Thursday night - the night before this happened) that I was seeing flashing rivers of blood ... I should have known where I was headed but I ignored it, or let it happen, not sure which) because she also has a duty of care and I am not going back to that ward ... . there is no point.

@L_C

Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post)

THe hotlines are indeed a joke ... they are just volunteers and really cannot answer effectively those existential questions that bring us to these places - how can they, we can't answer for ourselves.

The thing is ... I don't really want any help ... well, I don't believe that anybody can help. It's not really possible to be talked out of your feelings or else, it would have happened by now ... this feels very calculated to me ... I am looking at my options realistically and realising that bar the guilt of leaving behind family (and my dog), I think I am making a sane decision against an insane world.

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« Reply #22 on: January 05, 2014, 12:46:52 AM »

L_C

The psych nurses at the hospital talked and talked and talked with me - everyone kept getting me to go over and over what had happened on the day that it ended in blood ... but empathy only gets you so far right? ... . I mean, in the end, they can't hose out your brain or fix what is wrong ... again, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down but I am not being dramatic. Or, at least not trying to be.
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« Reply #23 on: January 05, 2014, 12:55:15 AM »

L_C

The psych nurses at the hospital talked and talked and talked with me - everyone kept getting me to go over and over what had happened on the day that it ended in blood ... but empathy only gets you so far right? ... . I mean, in the end, they can't hose out your brain or fix what is wrong ... again, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down but I am not being dramatic. Or, at least not trying to be.

I don't have a lot of suicide knowledge, but it seems to me that if you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd just jump into an airplane propeller or jump off the top of a tall building. Those things are guaranteed to kill you. The fact that you did what you did tells me that you want to live. It was definitely dramatic and a cry for help, but nevertheless, you don't really want to die.

You can't expect to hear some magic words that will instantly make you feel better. What you've got to do is just accept that you want to live and go from there. Getting yourself all worked up by focusing on whether or not you want to live is pointless. You want to live. You just want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it.
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« Reply #24 on: January 05, 2014, 01:02:12 AM »

L_C

The psych nurses at the hospital talked and talked and talked with me - everyone kept getting me to go over and over what had happened on the day that it ended in blood ... but empathy only gets you so far right? ... . I mean, in the end, they can't hose out your brain or fix what is wrong ... again, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down but I am not being dramatic. Or, at least not trying to be.

I don't have a lot of suicide knowledge, but it seems to me that if you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd just jump into an airplane propeller or jump off the top of a tall building. Those things are guaranteed to kill you. The fact that you did what you did tells me that you want to live. It was definitely dramatic and a cry for help, but nevertheless, you don't really want to die.

You can't expect to hear some magic words that will instantly make you feel better. What you've got to do is just accept that you want to live and go from there. Getting yourself all worked up by focusing on whether or not you want to live is pointless. You want to live. You just want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it.

This is pretty darn profound!

I'm not sure either, but I think maybe when someone is struggling, and not finding a good path forward, they may consider every option, not because it's what you want to do, but because - as Santa says - you just don't see the path forward - "You want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it."

I went through extreme depression, when my son went to prison, and my marriage ended - married 10 years, 4 kids, and my wife became violent and I just couldn't deal with it any more.  All that happened right after my parents died - a lot going on at once.  I spiraled downward fast - never considered hurting myself but I did find myself just unable to cope.  And when I was that depressed, it was very hard to make good decisions - hard to find options and hard to do anything positive - so you spiral down more.

I had a good counselor, and that made all the difference, but it was still a long, hard road.  After a while I could see my path forward, kind of.  One day at a time... .
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« Reply #25 on: January 05, 2014, 01:09:54 AM »

One more thing DC - I forgot to ask - what kind of dog?  (Mine was a mutt - part black lab but smaller.)
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« Reply #26 on: January 05, 2014, 01:16:08 AM »

My partner once described to me that she had fallen overboard from the ship of life in the middle of a fog. She felt like no one could see her, and so no one could help.  As she was surrounded by fog she could not see which way to go so there was no point trying to swim anywhere, everything felt so totally pointless and alone that she felt like putting her head under just to get it over with.

Just talking to people if they cant understand fully just reassures you that there is help out there, all is not lost, all you need do is tread water until the fog lifts.

Does it ever feel like that to you?

Now is not forever. The past only repeats itself if we don't try to change it.

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« Reply #27 on: January 05, 2014, 01:40:33 AM »

L_C

The psych nurses at the hospital talked and talked and talked with me - everyone kept getting me to go over and over what had happened on the day that it ended in blood ... but empathy only gets you so far right? ... . I mean, in the end, they can't hose out your brain or fix what is wrong ... again, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down but I am not being dramatic. Or, at least not trying to be.

I don't have a lot of suicide knowledge, but it seems to me that if you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd just jump into an airplane propeller or jump off the top of a tall building. Those things are guaranteed to kill you. The fact that you did what you did tells me that you want to live. It was definitely dramatic and a cry for help, but nevertheless, you don't really want to die.

You can't expect to hear some magic words that will instantly make you feel better. What you've got to do is just accept that you want to live and go from there. Getting yourself all worked up by focusing on whether or not you want to live is pointless. You want to live. You just want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it.

Hey Santa

I can appreciate your perspective and because you give it, I am going to assume that you have been there to.

I am not going to defend or justify what I do or don't want or point out that finding an aeroplane propeller is easier said than done. I also don't expect any magic words - that was kinda my point in fact.

What I will say - and emphatically so - is that it was not a cry for help. In fact, I think many times when people tell themselves that someone is just 'crying for help' it's because they themselves cannot fathom being in that place/space and/or find it comforting to tell themselves that story over the other possibility/ies.

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« Reply #28 on: January 05, 2014, 01:45:10 AM »

L_C

The psych nurses at the hospital talked and talked and talked with me - everyone kept getting me to go over and over what had happened on the day that it ended in blood ... but empathy only gets you so far right? ... . I mean, in the end, they can't hose out your brain or fix what is wrong ... again, it sounds so dramatic when I write it down but I am not being dramatic. Or, at least not trying to be.

I don't have a lot of suicide knowledge, but it seems to me that if you really wanted to kill yourself, you'd just jump into an airplane propeller or jump off the top of a tall building. Those things are guaranteed to kill you. The fact that you did what you did tells me that you want to live. It was definitely dramatic and a cry for help, but nevertheless, you don't really want to die.

You can't expect to hear some magic words that will instantly make you feel better. What you've got to do is just accept that you want to live and go from there. Getting yourself all worked up by focusing on whether or not you want to live is pointless. You want to live. You just want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it.

This is pretty darn profound!

I'm not sure either, but I think maybe when someone is struggling, and not finding a good path forward, they may consider every option, not because it's what you want to do, but because - as Santa says - you just don't see the path forward - "You want to live better and you need to figure out how to do it."

I went through extreme depression, when my son went to prison, and my marriage ended - married 10 years, 4 kids, and my wife became violent and I just couldn't deal with it any more.  All that happened right after my parents died - a lot going on at once.  I spiraled downward fast - never considered hurting myself but I did find myself just unable to cope.  And when I was that depressed, it was very hard to make good decisions - hard to find options and hard to do anything positive - so you spiral down more.

I had a good counselor, and that made all the difference, but it was still a long, hard road.  After a while I could see my path forward, kind of.  One day at a time... .

Oh I am definitely spiralling, I am not going to deny that ... but the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is just a little too much to swallow right now ... .   I don't mean any disrespect to anything that you have written here ... for most people depression (if you like) is a situational thing - a one-off that 'happened' to them, usually due to circumstances ... . what about those of us who are always on the outside looking in at all times? ... . what if you did get to the point of hurting yourself and you struggled with that every single day? If you had to fight that urge on a constant basis?

I don't want to be reactionary or seem resistant or anything of that nature ... . I know that everybody here has been hurt and/or is hurting ...
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« Reply #29 on: January 05, 2014, 01:50:49 AM »

One more thing DC - I forgot to ask - what kind of dog?  (Mine was a mutt - part black lab but smaller.)

Labs are lovely!

I have a sheltie (a shetland sheepdog) ... they are the ones that look like Lassie, only smaller (and she looks just like Lassie)

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