Relationship with my girlfriend for the past 17 years and I'm now completely dr

[sonick]

Hello everyone!  

I'm not necessarily new to this topic or message board, but I find myself needed support in a desperate time.  I visited the boards in the past prior to 2005, and yes I'm still in the same relationship unfortunately  I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past 17 years and I'm now completely drained, deflated and in despair.  I now realize that if I'm to get out alive I have to pull myself together and move on (easier said).  My story is long but I wanted to at least introduce myself today and hopefully I can post some bits and pieces when appropriate and avoid writing a depressing novel.

I realize that I need support from others that are familiar with BPD because no one else really understands including some of the T's that I've seen in the past.  It's too hard to try to explain to family and friends so instead of just reading like I did in the past I'm going to actively participate. I don't even want to refer to her as my S/O but of course she is undiagnosed and refuses to believe that she has any mental/personality deficiences.  

Thanks in advance for the supportive environment.

[clairedair]

Hi sonick,

  (or, more accurately, welcome back!)

Sounds as if you were hoping not to be back but it does sound as if you need the support and I am sure that you will find that here.  As you point out, it can be difficult for those who've not been through a similar experience to understand the unique ups and downs of these relationships. 

I take it from your post that you are still in the relationship but that you are feeling that you need to leave... . is this correct?

The Undecided Board: Staying or Leaving may be a helpful place for you to start reading - there are resources there that discuss

"Choosing a Path":

Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships

If you are still in the relationship, then the 'Lesson 3: Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior' accessed via the Staying Board may also be of use for now

Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships

Don't worry about writing a 'depressing novel' - as you've already realised, people here have been through similar stuff so what you write will undoubtedly resonate with others.

take care,

Claire

[sonick]

Thanks Claire!  I have decided that I must go... . I have gone to some very dark places and my partner has completely taken advantage of me so the line is def drawn.  I will see the resources for leaving and begin to plan my escape. 

Thanks for responding and hope to hear from you again in the future.  Stay warm!

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Sonik,

WELCOME.  You are in the right place.  I joined last week and I feel better already.  You will find so much support and a lot of information.  Please reach out, share, and be open with what you feel. 

I look forward to reading your story.  You will find validation and understand that you are not alone.  My story is here if you like reading drama novels  : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216871.0

I'm in the detaching phase myself.  It's hard and scary, but each day it gets easier. 

Good luck to you.  Things WILL get better.

[sonick]

So after years (15) of taking care of our household financially, physically etc, the ball has dropped.  Basically I was the breadwinner of our household for years and my partner basically did not "work".  She is a real estate agent who barely brings in a part time income and I was OK with that because we had a few rental properties and she managed those properties including rebuilding one after hurricane Katrina destroyed it.  She also mismanaged the repair funds wasting thousands of insurance and personal money.  

I was also very compassionate during that time because her mother was suffering with pancreatic cancer and again she was not working. I was always there to support her 100%, and she continued to assure me that after the investment properties were sold that things would get better and I would be able to take a break.

Well my situation took a turn for the worst with bad employers, mounting financial problems, and on top of that substance abuse problems.  We sold the investment properties one of which was in her name solely (she purchased it prior to the beginning of our relationship), and of course that was "our" cash cow. We put the proceeds from that sale in a joint account and after a short period of time of me having access to that money ( I was strictly paying household bills) she decided to open a separate account in her name only and moved the funds.

Now she has the "upper hand" and has put me through hell!  At this time I find myself with no job and heading to an inpatient state funded treatment facility for the substance abuse within the next few days. I almost to the point of having to file for personal bankruptcy while she sits on the retirement funds and refuses to help me with any of my basic bills (car note, insurance, etc.). How did I get here? I was a very successful management professional.

I plan on leaving as soon as I get on my feet, but I have lost tens of thousands of dollars, my self confidence and self esteem.  I mainly have to depend on my sister to help me pick up the pieces of this nightmare while her family has no idea how she has deceived me. BTW there was I time when I was very close to her family now they have simply looked the other way.

I'm certainly sick and trying to pick up the pieces of my life to move on. I sorry for ever trusting her and putting myself in this situation.  

Sorry for rambling ... .


 

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Now she has the "upper hand" and has put me through hell!  

What is happening?