Feel like an absolute chump/ Feel lesser than ex wBPD at the absolute finale

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Hi all,

It's been a long while since I've posted on this board... . for the most part I've been doing better. Been in Therapy for one year, and I have changed and grown a lot... . mostly dealing with FOO issues, and being more independent.

So I have heard nothing from my exwBPD since last may. In may she pressured me to see her after unblocking me from Facebook. I was surprised she had unblocked me and I reached out to ask how she was doing, and apologize for my side of the street since I lost my mind and essentially kicked her out of my house after she relapsed on alcohol, and screamed in bed about her dad raping her sister. I agreed to see her... . and she was quite cold with me, acted like she barely knew me... . or was testing me. I don't know how normal the interaction was, because the only other times we were in between relationships she was practically begging me to get back with her... . or sleep with her.

This time, she still wanted to stay over but i refused to sleep with her, and she refused to work on a relationship with me. I told her that I just couldn't handle being friends with her. The reason for this is that I had no trust in her, and I was worried that in a friendship, she would try to seduce me while seeing other guys, and just keep me around feeling less for me than I did her.

In october '13, around the anniversary of her father's death (the main cause of our previous rs breakup and her resulting relapse on alcohol) I sent her a few emails from my business email (she had already blocked my regular email and facebook after our breif reunion ). I also left a letter at her mom's house, apologizing for barging in to her mom's house. (*-during the final breakup one year ago december 12' i went to her mom's house and shamed her for allowing my exwBPD to be emotionally and potentially sexually abused as a child, and encouraging them to get therapy because I couldn't be a sex therapist and there were strange sexual behaviors, like that of an abuse victim in her daughter).

I never heard back from my exwBPD.

On new year's eve, the anniversary of when we met I checked my exwBPD's facebook page from a bull account I created. My exwBPD changed her profile pic to a photo that I took of her when we were at a wedding together. The same photo she had up when she unblocked me in May 13'.

She had obviously put this up to get my attention. So i emailed her a short simple happy new year's email. No response.

4 days later... . she had posted publicly that she was in a relationship. Her friends (all AA) were saying, hope this one's good for you... . etc, etc... . implying most likely that I "was bad for her".

I emailed her afterwards saying look, I know that you posted the wedding photo on new year's eve to get my attention so that you could rub your new relationship in my face. I think that it's cruel and manipulative and awful. I take back everything nice I said to you.

I then sent her a photo of me making out with a pretty girl on NYE. I have never stooped so low in my entire life. But to think that this girl who stalked, harrassed, begged, seduced me for four years... . would turn me in to this little puppet/stalker pining over her while she got in to a new relationship made me feel like a huge turd. So I wanted her to know that I wasn't sitting around pining over her on NYE, while she probably was fking her new boyfriend and simultaneously posting a photo on her facebook that she most likely was hoping would get my attention.

I am ashamed of myself for looking at her page. I feel like a crazy stalker... . I have dated other girls, and some of them have posted pics on my facebook page that she most likely saw... . and maybe she was trying to get revenge or something. Who knows.

Please help give me the strength to finally move on. I can't continue to be haunted by this. She didn't jump in to a rs immediately after we broke up... . she did wait a year. Maybe she is better now? Ha, I'm sick for thinking that... . but seriously I feel like a real tool. Knowing that she is probably using my reaction as ammunition to think I'm a crazy stalker, and that this woman I had a deep bond with will forever tell the story about me, the crazy exboyfriend stalker... . turning it all around on me.

She used to stalk me, show up at my house, call me 20 times a day... . all this stopped... . and I guess I missed being chased, wanted, needed. And her life coach or AA sponsor probably told her this. As last time I saw her, she mentioned that I didn't want to be her friend because "she didn't swoon all over me anymore". Testing me. I sensed this and lost my cool.

I am tired of being toyed with by this woman... . and this time it's my own doing. I am sad that she will most likely be much healthier in her new relationship than she ever was with me (in her full blown alcoholism). I am sad that she will gradually get better, and that I am just a wounded person left in her wake... . never to be remembered as the kind and loving and loyal person that I was in her life.

I will forever be remembered as the crazy, ass, ex... . who bashed her family and stalked her on facebook. Not the forgiving, gentle, compassionate, empathetic person I was 99% of the time. And that absolutely kills me.

And in her twisted mind, she probably thinks it really was me that was the problem... . and I share some responsibility. But I didn't try to kill myself, I didn't rub my hookups in her face, I didn't lie to her constantly, I didn't call her disgusting and make fun of her and smear her name to everybody, I didn't treat her like absolute crap.

These were all things done to me... . and it makes me sick  that I am on the weaker side of this equation, while she is stoked about all the attention she gets for her new relationship, and is stoked about how pathetic I've behaved while she rides off in to the sunset on her "high horse". That now in our final conversation (one-sided) that I have acted like a crazy jerk... . and that is the finale of my relationship w her.

Man I feel terrible. Most of the time I took the higher road, and in the end... . I look like the needy, obsessive, bitter jerk. And she can appear and feel superior to me.

Sad and shamefully,

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hi all,

It's been a long while since I've posted on this board... . for the most part I've been doing better. Been in Therapy for one year, and I have changed and grown a lot... . mostly dealing with FOO issues, and being more independent.

So I have heard nothing from my exwBPD since last may. In may she pressured me to see her after unblocking me from Facebook. I was surprised she had unblocked me and I reached out to ask how she was doing, and apologize for my side of the street since I lost my mind and essentially kicked her out of my house after she relapsed on alcohol, and screamed in bed about her dad raping her sister. I agreed to see her... . and she was quite cold with me, acted like she barely knew me... . or was testing me. I don't know how normal the interaction was, because the only other times we were in between relationships she was practically begging me to get back with her... . or sleep with her.

This time, she still wanted to stay over but i refused to sleep with her, and she refused to work on a relationship with me. I told her that I just couldn't handle being friends with her. The reason for this is that I had no trust in her, and I was worried that in a friendship, she would try to seduce me while seeing other guys, and just keep me around feeling less for me than I did her.

In october '13, around the anniversary of her father's death (the main cause of our previous rs breakup and her resulting relapse on alcohol) I sent her a few emails from my business email (she had already blocked my regular email and facebook after our breif reunion ). I also left a letter at her mom's house, apologizing for barging in to her mom's house. (*-during the final breakup one year ago december 12' i went to her mom's house and shamed her for allowing my exwBPD to be emotionally and potentially sexually abused as a child, and encouraging them to get therapy because I couldn't be a sex therapist and there were strange sexual behaviors, like that of an abuse victim in her daughter).

I never heard back from my exwBPD.

On new year's eve, the anniversary of when we met I checked my exwBPD's facebook page from a bull account I created. My exwBPD changed her profile pic to a photo that I took of her when we were at a wedding together. The same photo she had up when she unblocked me in May 13'.

She had obviously put this up to get my attention. So i emailed her a short simple happy new year's email. No response.

4 days later... . she had posted publicly that she was in a relationship. Her friends (all AA) were saying, hope this one's good for you... . etc, etc... . implying most likely that I "was bad for her".

I emailed her afterwards saying look, I know that you posted the wedding photo on new year's eve to get my attention so that you could rub your new relationship in my face. I think that it's cruel and manipulative and awful. I take back everything nice I said to you.

I then sent her a photo of me making out with a pretty girl on NYE. I have never stooped so low in my entire life. But to think that this girl who stalked, harrassed, begged, seduced me for four years... . would turn me in to this little puppet/stalker pining over her while she got in to a new relationship made me feel like a huge turd. So I wanted her to know that I wasn't sitting around pining over her on NYE, while she probably was fking her new boyfriend and simultaneously posting a photo on her facebook that she most likely was hoping would get my attention.

I am ashamed of myself for looking at her page. I feel like a crazy stalker... . I have dated other girls, and some of them have posted pics on my facebook page that she most likely saw... . and maybe she was trying to get revenge or something. Who knows.

Please help give me the strength to finally move on. I can't continue to be haunted by this. She didn't jump in to a rs immediately after we broke up... . she did wait a year. Maybe she is better now? Ha, I'm sick for thinking that... . but seriously I feel like a real tool. Knowing that she is probably using my reaction as ammunition to think I'm a crazy stalker, and that this woman I had a deep bond with will forever tell the story about me, the crazy exboyfriend stalker... . turning it all around on me.

She used to stalk me, show up at my house, call me 20 times a day... . all this stopped... . and I guess I missed being chased, wanted, needed. And her life coach or AA sponsor probably told her this. As last time I saw her, she mentioned that I didn't want to be her friend because "she didn't swoon all over me anymore". Testing me. I sensed this and lost my cool.

I am tired of being toyed with by this woman... . and this time it's my own doing. I am sad that she will most likely be much healthier in her new relationship than she ever was with me (in her full blown alcoholism). I am sad that she will gradually get better, and that I am just a wounded person left in her wake... . never to be remembered as the kind and loving and loyal person that I was in her life.

I will forever be remembered as the crazy, ass, ex... . who bashed her family and stalked her on facebook. Not the forgiving, gentle, compassionate, empathetic person I was 99% of the time. And that absolutely kills me.

And in her twisted mind, she probably thinks it really was me that was the problem... . and I share some responsibility. But I didn't try to kill myself, I didn't rub my hookups in her face, I didn't lie to her constantly, I didn't call her disgusting and make fun of her and smear her name to everybody, I didn't treat her like absolute crap.

These were all things done to me... . and it makes me sick  that I am on the weaker side of this equation, while she is stoked about all the attention she gets for her new relationship, and is stoked about how pathetic I've behaved while she rides off in to the sunset on her "high horse". That now in our final conversation (one-sided) that I have acted like a crazy jerk... . and that is the finale of my relationship w her.

Man I feel terrible. Most of the time I took the higher road, and in the end... . I look like the needy, obsessive, bitter jerk. And she can appear and feel superior to me.

Sad and shamefully,

Stoic

[stoic83]

Just for clarification here are two emails from her:

(09/11/2009)

I just wanted to take the time to tell you how much I love and care about you. Sometimes I find that it's easier for me to write the way I feel opposed to saying it out loud. The email you sent me yesterday along with the part you wrote yourself really touched my heart. You are such a selfless human being and have so much compassion for people, their beliefs, well being, etc. You truly are a one of a kind person. It's as simple as that. You are honest, caring, loving, LOVEABLE, smart, handsome, funny, FUN, open-hearted, understanding all the things that make someone "one of a kind." I have not given you the respect that you deserve in the past and I feel terrible. I know your gonna tell me "dont feel bad for me, worry about yourself... . " BUT I myself have a caring heart and a conscience and I need to take responsibilities for my actions and the way I deal with things in life. I have never in my life been so in love with someone like I am with you ( I've definitley had some weird ways of showing it sometimes but I wouldnt tell you this if I didn't mean it with all my heart.) You and I definitley have something special, very special. Very real and genuine. I would do anything for you... . including controlling my anger issues because more than half the time you didnt deserve the way I spoke to you or handled the situation. It's time for me to grow up and get with the program because I have been given many opportunities to succeed and to be loved. I want nothing more than to have you be the last person I date and am intimate with. I want to be able to start a healthy life with you... . get married, have cute curly headed babies that we are so proud to call our own, get closer with eachothers families, and basically just enjoy life TOGETHER not seperate. It's time for me to start proving my love to you and making you feel the way you have always, from day one, made me feel. I thank MY god (or higher power, whatever you want to call it)  every day for putting you in my life. New Years eve 2009 will always be such a vivid memory to me. I tend to forget about certain instances pertaining to drinking and partying, etc. But that night I wont ever be able to forget. It's so weird because you see these movies, read these books about people falling in love and just knowing they were meant for eachother. I thought in the past I felt that way but after meeting you I know what love is now. And i'm so thankful that at 23 years old I had the opportunity to feel the way these authors and actors expressed that beautiful kind of emotion. I know I've told you this many times before but that night I met you and you walked outside and started on some tangent about how life is going to be great this year I knew immediately that I needed to get to know you. I felt it. I felt it so hard and I was right. You were right. We were right. I believe that one of these days we will be able to have a very happy life together... . I really do. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, good and bad. Thank you for being you. Actually I should thank good ol (Dad) and (Mom) for raising such a beautiful child. This has come straight from the heart and I hope it might bring some happiness and positive energy to your life. As much as your proud of me, I'm equally proud of you... . you are awesome. I LOVE YOU papa, monkey, curly head, my baby, ah geeze the list goes on and on haha!

(5/12/2013)

I am sorry for the things I have done to hurt you. It's time to move on. I understand love is a choice, and I choose not to love you. I don't have any feelings for you anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the truth. I don't like the person I am when I'm with you. I feel like we bring out the worst in one another.

I am entitled to an opinion and this is it. I don't understand your logic behind things, it makes no sense to me. I am sorry that I have to be this blunt with you but you deserve to know how I really feel. I am sorry for the things I have done to you in the past. I am not perfect either, I make mistakes and I messed up and for that I am sorry. I hope you can accept my apology because it will be the last time I do it. I wont hurt you again because we will never get back together. I'm sure when things start picking up for you, you will find someone who is more your type because I am not. Jon I mean this with all my heart... . we don't belong together. I am not saying this to avoid intimacy... . that is how I really feel these days. I am happier without you as my partner. Our core values aren't the same. You can argue that as much as you'd like, you aren't going to change my mind. Nobody is wrong or right here- I am trying to express to you how I feel. Some of the things you say are absurd... . you drive me crazy and not in a good way. I don't like the way I feel when I talk to you. And I don't think you are genuine. I don't need to contact your therapist to find out who the real you is. My life will never be what you want it to be, and to be honest, I don't really care. This is my life and I will live it however I want whether you approve of it or not. I am not living my life for you. You can be a really nice person at times... . very charming and charismatic. And then out of nowhere you freak out. I cant take it. Like I said, you scare me these days. I sincerely hope you find the peace and serenity you have been looking for. I really do. I wish you health and happiness... . but I cant be a part of your life anymore. This relationship is toxic and has been since the day we met. Yes, I was a pain in the ass and I'm sorry I dragged you through all of that. I could apologize everyday for the next year and it still wouldn't be good enough for you. Even when I went to rehab and got sober and tried to turn my life around you still bhited and moaned and complained. Its just never good enough. I never felt good enough. I felt judged constantly. And I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like that. I could apologize to you everyday for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough for you. I hope one day you re-read the emails you write me because they blow my hiting mind. You're reality and my reality are two different things. So you go on living your life thinking you got it all figured out... . and see how things are going for you. Keep walking around telling everyone what a victim you are and trying to get sympathy from anyone who will listen. Start being a good friend, get a backbone where your wishbone is, and mind your business. You are pompous... . and just because you were "bullied" your whole life doesn't make it okay to act like a dick in your thirties. Grow up and get real with yourself. I didn't want to go there with you but you PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH people to their limit and then wonder why people are upset with you. Open your eyes. And you mentioned that I think there is a possibility for us down the road... . there absolutely is not. I don't know what would make you think that. And I cant believe you said my Sister had a crush on you. Haha. Oh and your friends want to hit you too.? You are out of your mind.

[winston72]

Hmmm... . you posted again while I was typing my reply... . but, in the spirit of risk, I will send mine anyway! 

Hey Stoic!  May I be the first to say that you are being too hard on yourself.  Your final email with photo is but a small blip in a long relationship.  And, I must say as an observer, it is not much of a blip.  You are human.  There is a pile up of hurt and frustration and it is understandable how that was expressed.  Please expend some energy to forgive yourself. 

A couple of quick observations... . she is still struggling with her own push/pull tendencies.  This is what triggered you in this episode.  I think you can assume that she is not all better now. 

And you are merciless with yourself.  You sound like you need(ed) to always be the perfect partner for her, and anything less than you are an awful person, a crazy jerk and sick of yourself.  Dude, lighten up!  Gee, I wonder why you were vulnerable to her emotional volatility!

And, you have the freedom and authority to define how you understand what happened.  It seems like you are defining yourself by how you guess she might be thinking about it all.  You might or might not be correct.  In any event, you will be better off to assert your own view of it... . to yourself. 

Stoic, I am not going here with you on this characterization of this episode... . I am sure you take the higher road, but you are overstating the issue here.  And, I would like to encourage you to take the higher, the enlightened road with yourself!  It will put you on the track to a better place with your thoughts about her and your relationship.

Man I feel terrible. Most of the time I took the higher road, and in the end... . I look like the needy, obsessive, bitter jerk. And she can appear and feel superior to me.

Sad and shamefully,

[stoic83]

Thanks Winston,

I am very hard on myself. I think she loved that about me. It made it a lot easier to turn the attention on my faults instead of hers. I think it comes from having N parents (well mom probably BPD)... . and I think that it should be okay to make mistakes in relationships. Someone told me that today, that I'm way too hard on myself. My life is hard. I made hard choices... . staying in a rd w BPD, and starting a company that isn't doing well I am on the verge of homelessness... . but have meetings with C-level executives almost every day this week... . hopefully something breaks... .

I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and calling her out on her behavior... . but as we both know it won't do much good. I tried to set a good example for her... . i think it might be growth to express my caddy immature side with the photo. I spent so long holding in to try and be a good parent figure or whatever she needed, that it feels kind of good to stoop to that level... .

You are right that i care a lot what she thinks about me... . if you look at the emails, i really liked being perceived as the top email... . and not at all as the bottom email. I guess the real me is some blend of both... . which I guess is okay. There really wasn't too much bad that she could say about me... . she really had to dig in to split me black... . not much ammo there.

Well I just sent her these two emails and asked her again for closure and an apology... . knowing it might not come. To be honest, Im not even sure she is getting these emails... . might be going to spam. I will never know. If she doesnt get the emails it might be good. Oh well.

Thanks again Winston, I feel a bit better.

Stoic