More and more I envy those that were able to leave.

[Cipher13]

So I envy those that had the strength to be able to leave and know it was the time. I know its the time but the guilt lines keep me at bay. Even though I feel sick inside and hate what I am seeing happen to myslef.

So I get this email that says "I need to know what our plan of action is going to be.  I am

completely unhappy with you and my whole entire life.  I hate waking up to come to work at this place for nothing expect to sell crap that I don't even believe in.  I need to know what we are going to do if anything at all so that we can be proactively planning.  If you are not serious of going back there or trying to repair this relationship then tell me so I can settle into the misery of what it is."

I said it hurt me to see her feel liek that. Was that a bad thing to say?... . I guess becasue she said I don't really care if it hurt you.

[Pearl55]

Cipher13

Strength comes with knowledge! As long as you listen to whatever they say and try to rationalise them with our own minds we get nowhere. This is an emotional disorder so if you want to be emotional, doesn't work.

For me was extremely tough because I've already lost my son but I knew my mental health is in real danger and I had to be out. Our self esteem suffers a lot that's why makes it so hard to leave. I've lost myself and feel very empty but I know it will get better. I was always looking for facts when I acknowledged them there was no time to lie and betray myself anymore. I hope you will get a right decision.

[still_smiling_just]

That's tough! It seems she's laying all the responsibility for making an effort at your feet. It takes two to make a relationship, two to mess things up and consequently two to try to change things and make it right. She doesn't appear to be acknowledging the part that she has played... . no surprises there I guess.

I really don't have any advice as to what to say, as I know that for my BPD any attempts at empathy were met with scorn. Maybe I'm not phrasing things correctly.

Pearl55 is right - it WILL get better.

[WalrusGumboot]

Cipher, the guilt can be incredible. That email could have been written by my exBPDw. I know what it is like to think her misery is somehow your fault because you are lacking in one or more ways.

What you responded with was appropriate.

I have been out of my 23 year marriage for almost 2 years now and am thinking much more clearly.  I know I was a d*mn good husband and father, despite the circumstances, and stuck around and supported her much longer than most others. While I was still in the marriage, I felt like I was just slightly better than slimy ooze. That is just how much our minds get affected.

Should you decide to to the leaving route one day, I can assure you that you will find the strength. I thought I never could because I felt exhausted and had plenty of fears and guilt. But that final straw came and I forged ahead and didn't stop. You will know when the time is right, should it ever come.

WG

[Cipher13]

Should you decide to to the leaving route one day, I can assure you that you will find the strength. I thought I never could because I felt exhausted and had plenty of fears and guilt. But that final straw came and I forged ahead and didn't stop.

I've been told this before. In fact my uncle was in a similar situation. After his divorce he came home. He said he felt way better. Infact he even wanted to shake the hand of the guy that her was replaced with. And also tell him to hide the knives.  Inside story i guess.

[karma_gal]

I have heard the same thing, from friends, doctors, and therapists, that when the time comes I will just know.  Most have warned me that it will probably not be an event or situation with a lot of fanfare; that often it's something very small and innocuous that will tip the scales and I will just be done and there won't be any looking back. 

I've thought I was there a few times, but haven't yet been able to muster up the strength to go.  Like you, I feel so beat down from the roller coaster ride of this relationship that I don't feel I have enough energy and strength to expend the effort it would take to leave.  It's just too much to comprehend at this point.  So I guess that means the "it" moment hasn't occurred yet.  I'm always on the lookout for it, though! 

[charred]

My sister is a very strong woman, she raises stallions and had an interesting way of looking at "being able to leave." She filed for divorce due to various problems... and her soon to be ex asked me "When did things change and why?"

And I didn't know, so I asked her... and she said that it changed when she realized she feared going home instead of looking forward to it. She was proud of her farm and wanted her husband to be with her and enjoy it. But the level of stress and crud he was slinging... made her prefer work over home. Once that gelled in her head... he was toast.

Wish I were that strong/decisive.  (Her H isn't BPD.). my pwBPD isn't afraid of much... but steered clear of my sister... I think because she feared she would see through her BS.

[Seneca]

dude, in the end, i think it will always come down to us having to decide to leave them. they are incapable of making that decision... . unless they already got some other sucker lined up. that's why i know i can pretty much do whatever i want now, no matter how hard it ticks him off. he is not going anywhere, so i am going to have a normal life for myself.

[Cipher13]

he is not going anywhere, so i am going to have a normal life for myself.

I think this rings true. I have told a T or 2 this very thing. I said I can't see any situation where she finally decides to leave. I think I could do what ever and she would still stay. Even though I am doing everythign I can think of to keep her happy and she still finds ways to shred me. So if I am doing what she wants and I get shredded or I do what I want and its 10 fold. Either way I am on the short stick.

I've thought I was there a few times, but haven't yet been able to muster up the strength to go.  Like you, I feel so beat down from the roller coaster ride of this relationship that I don't feel I have enough energy and strength to expend the effort it would take to leave.  It's just too much to comprehend at this point.  So I guess that means the "it" moment hasn't occurred yet.  I'm always on the lookout for it, though!

Maybe we are both looking to hard for the moment. After reading your post I thought I am so focused on what it would take ot leave and how that I wonder if I am over looking something or liek you said maybe it hasn't happened. I would sure hate to have missed it so I look hard. 

and she said that it changed when she realized she feared going home instead of looking forward to it.

Wow thats kind of where I am at. My favorite day... . Monday. My favorite time 6:20 am the time I leave for work.  Worst day... . Friday. Worse time... 5:30 pm.  the time she gets off of work. Why not the time she gets home you might ask?... . Because 5;30 is the time my aniexty is tipped to the edge until she comes home. I have 20 mins of hell. Most of theim I create it in my head becasue I fear the worse. THat it seems is often a worse fealing than the rage I am axious to avoid.

[Clearmind]

Wow thats kind of where I am at. My favorite day... . Monday. My favorite time 6:20 am the time I leave for work.  Worst day... . Friday. Worse time... 5:30 pm.  the time she gets off of work. Why not the time she gets home you might ask?... . Because 5;30 is the time my aniexty is tipped to the edge until she comes home. I have 20 mins of hell. Most of theim I create it in my head becasue I fear the worse. THat it seems is often a worse fealing than the rage I am axious to avoid.

I hear you - I would hop on the train to go to work every morning and exhale - I had found peace.

Cipher have you asked yourself what you are hanging onto? Create some space for yourself and really think about you for a change and what you want.

Being undecided is often harder than leaving... .

[Tolou]

Ciph... .

Leaving is something we all choose to do in our own times.  I left because I was going to lose my mind, personally the suicide attempts, and constant threads had me on edge.  I couldn't think anymore I was slowly becoming a resentful and mean person, to her, and just decided I am going to walk away, no contact.  It was the hardest most gut wrenching experiencing. The stalking, the calls, (changed my number), the guilt etc... . I can not be in a reciprical adult realtionship with someone who think and feels at the emotional level of I child.  I got out after three months of friendship, 3 months of dating... . a total of 6 months, followed by another 6-12 of attemtps to lure me back in when she realized I was serious.  So hard, but she was trying to make me responsible for her life and happiness.  I wish I had more knowledge back then, but I believe I needed to meet her to grow in my own ways.

Ask yourself, why are you staying in an unhealthy realtionship? Is this fair to either of you?

Leaving is hard but whne done for the right reasons, it is liberating to both people, and can sprak the change for them, and most of all for you.  Wish you luck... .

And remember, staying, regardless of what many say, shows strenghts within you as well... . Focus ont those things, your strenghts.

[clairedair]

dude, in the end, i think it will always come down to us having to decide to leave them. they are incapable of making that decision... . unless they already got some other sucker lined up.

Cipher,

my exH left me several times (and always had someone 'lined up'.  I could never get to a point of leaving him even though I thought about it and wondered how I could keep living the way I was.  However, like WalrusGumboot, there was a 'final straw' and things have been very different since then.  Interestingly the final straw was something that had happened several times before - he 'disappeared' and I was left to work out that we had separated again.  I can't tell you what was different this time but I just finally knew that nothing was going to change.

My ex remarried very quickly and most folks think that my detachment relates to that but I was done before he did this and although I still get angry, feel 'replaced' at times; get sad that a long-term relationship didn't work out etc., just reading these posts about dreading coming home reminds me how peaceful and healthier (emotionally and physically) life is now.  I'm actually very grateful to his new wife because he's so wrapped up in his new life/wife that he's finally leaving me alone to heal properly and I've realised just how damaging our relationship had become (more difficult to see it when you're still in it).  I never thought I'd be able to say something like that.

There are so many similar stories/experiences here but ultimately, each relationship is unique so only you can make the decision - I hope you get some time and space to think about what's best.

take care,

Claire

[Cipher13]

Found out I shoudl becareful what you say sometimes. She has been complaining that she hates her job over and over on a daily basis. So finially I said then quit.  If you can find a way to make sure we can survive finacially for a period of time then quit... . sholdhave know she would follow through. Told me she was planning on it today until an unexpected expense happened.

So she can com to terms with a decission liek that yet I can not? 

[clairedair]

So she can com to terms with a decission liek that yet I can not? 

Probably because you think about the consequences of your actions 

[michel71]

I am in the same boat as Karma-Gal.

Looking at past relationships that I broke off, I knew I was just "done" at some point. It was a moment where I knew I had tried everything and accepted defeat. I can't say it was one definitive thing. I would say it is akin to something mystical really. You know when you know.

I am not there yet but getting more worn down with every fight, every disregard of my feelings.

She berated me just for calling her to say hello. I gave her space. Now she is berating me for not contacting her, claiming that I am insincere in EVER CARING about her. And so it goes... .