Surprise Emotions-I thought I fixed this

[lunchie]

           Hi Everyone,

             And much warmth and hugs to you all.

             This is my return to the board since last year, due to some unforeseen stress that triggered some old feelings, that I thought I'd already worked through. Here's what happened... .

             I have 3 siblings(one older, two younger) and all 3 have been hospitalized due to mental/emotional issues related to my uBPDMom's parenting. We all share elements of not knowing how to deal with emotions and life situations, due to our poor, female role model(granted, this has hit my other siblings harder than I). Last month, one of my younger siblings, Hannah, was having a typical impulsive moment, left her husband and upon begging to come back, nearly committed suicide. To my great relief, she was diagnosed with BPD. She came clean about a lot of things she'd been lying about, and we both felt total relief-starting our relationship as sisters over again. Unlike my Mother(who refuses she even has a problem), she wants to get better, and I am encouraged for her progress to wellness.

              So, naturally, I have been hearing about her progress, her reading material and we've had various conversations about Mom, and how our other siblings need help and/or behave so eerily like her, etc.

              Then, just after my birthday, I caught a stomach bug which hit me in a most unexpected way. 2 days after my symptom onset, I was wracked with old feelings, as if I was back when I was a teen/early 20's, full of fear, anxiety, stress and panic. It was like these emotions came seemingly from nowhere, and for a time, I did not feel like I could turn them off.

               Being contagious, it was imperative that I not make my husband sick, and since we live in a small apartment, with only 1 bathroom, the avoidance of me was quite necessary. However, it I had suddenly felt so needy and powerless, unable to not only perambulate through my apartment, but having my whole routine upset, and unable to receive any physical comfort, it all felt very personal. I cried and the core of me ached for almost 2 days, off and on, until finally, this sudden emotional storm subsided with a dream of my Mom.

               In the dream, she was visiting a house I was living in, and I had a friend visiting me that day. Mom was doing her usual, making the house a wreck and not allowing me to clean up without criticizing me on how I do it, and was trying to feel socially included with the conversations of my friend and I in a disrespectful way. My hair was a mess, and I couldn't style it, and it ended with me screaming at my Mother, trying to tell her how much she had trashed my home and I couldn't stand her, only to have my voice unable to let out a proper scream and her dismiss with me a chuckle and a smirk!

               Naturally, very much of this dream is transparent, and there is an element of my discussions with my younger sister that stirred up some old emotions. But later, when I shared this all with my Father, he brought up another good point; I still had more stuff to work through in my pain and healing, just under the surface, and now, my body was finally allowing me to release it and let it out. It was simply the right time.

               It has given me much to think about, and to also be more patient with myself, should this occur again. It's taken me years of retraining my mind much of my whole outlook, to reflect the balance I have always wanted, which I never had, so naturally, when I was hit with so much so suddenly, I did not think I still had more to work on, to that degree, all this time later.

               I know I must be gentle with myself, and just accept that this process may go on a while, and that I really was that deeply affected by my Mother's sickness. I am certain I suffered from PTSD back when I was younger, but now, I am coming to terms with that aspect to. I certainly had suffered with full fledged trauma back then. Lots to think about.

               So, I wonder also, has anyone else had a similar experience with the old wounds/memories of your BPD parent coming back and emotionally turning you upside down? How did you cope and come back from that?

               Thanks in advance for sharing, and be well everyone-Lunchie

[bright_future_mama]

I have often thought I was "over it" and definitely gone through times where it bothered me more than others.  It seems vulnerability can bring it on and it sounds like you were very sick so that would make sense.  I think when you are raised that way, it is always there and for me, I constantly need to validate myself, re-read old posts, re-read books on BPD to keep me on track.  I also have sisters and I am scared about them developing BPD as they are still so enmeshed with my mother.

I think dreams and our body's reaction to stress speak volumes.  I often have dreams like you mention of trying to yell back at my mother or hit her and not being able to (no sound will come out or I keep missing the mark).  I wake up with clenched teeth and a headache.

I have gotten a lot more careful of the conversations I have with my family.  The waters get so "muddy" and I have found I do better if I don't get into family dynamics, the past, BPD, mental health with them as we are all at such different stages of healing and we all have different choices we've made in terms of how to move on (or not).

[lunchie]

      Thanks for your comments bright_future_mama, it's nice to hear I am not the only one who has had the upheaval as well as the dream issues. I think I should be careful of conversations I have too.

      And I certainly can also relate to the need to re-validate myself often-it is invaluable... .