A new email

[LuckyEscapee]

  got an email to my work account. It is public/easy to guess and I had wondered about the possibility of an approach. I blocked all known emails of his, but he changed his email address and it got through my filter.

I have now blocked the new email and am not going to respond. I have not heard a thing for ten months and I know he has a new baby with my replacement / his fiancée. I mistakenly hoped this would mean I would never hear from him again. The good news is that despite it being really annoying, it isn't distressing in the way it used to be.

He's what he said:

Wishing you an awesome New Year

Why? What's the point? Why would he or I care?

I tried your old work cell and got a reply

Lie: the number is disconnected, no reply would be possible

Are you ok? Sorry I lost your old email address so I decided to use this one briefly. Glad you and (new man in my life) are going well.

Lie: I deleted my old email and he knows that! Why is he rewriting reality? Does he honestly believe his lies, or does he think I'd be stupid enough to believe them? So he accepts I'm in a relationship? Ok then if he is and I am happy, why email me?

I have come so very far on this hard hard hard journey, that I am not about to give it up by responding and engaging him, but heavens I can never understand BPD actions! Why so many lies?

[Waifed]

Putting out feelers. Just because he is with someone else doesn't mean he is happy. They are always looking for attention. Fiancé, big deal, . Sad isn't it? 

[goldylamont]

oh gawd i hate it when they contact you like they actually care about you and act like nothing ever happened in the past. it's always like this. and the lies? this is just who they are at the core, liars. sad but seemingly true.

[LuckyEscapee]

Goldylamont you are SO right! He is acting as though the raging and general making my life a misery didn't occur. He is writing as though we are old friends who have lost touch with misplaced numbers/emails. That is just plain weird. He knows for sure that I have shut down every possible contact option, blocked him, told him clearly never to contact me again. All till my stupid work changed their email system and made it easy to connect to me. He knows that an approach via my work email is an invasion. And at a weekend? I only saw it by a fluke. He knows that I want NOTHING to do with him, yet after TEN whole months back he trots. BPD in glorious technicolor.

Waifed, your reply made me  , and wrong as it my be, through a friend's facebook (mine blocks him and all mutual friends) I decided it was time to peek at his public posts and sure enough, there is emblazoned beautiful notes to the mother of his baby. I checked hers out and she seems happy and proud of their family unit. I have to admit lovely photos of a lovely family.

It is only the odd tone in a post, and the old BPD red flag comments that I recognise all too well that cast iron proves to me that he is the very same old BPD person. 

If it works for them, great. Glad for them... . but why the hell contact me again with the fake pleasantries and blatant rewriting of history? I will never understand it! Thankfully because of this wonderful site and it's wonderful members, I understand that I can't actually understand what goes on in a BPD mind.

My relationship with that man was the worst mistake of my life, and I am pleased to have reached a point that I am annoyed by his approach and not broken, as I was in the past. I really really hate BPD. It sucks!

[fromheeltoheal]

The core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, so a borderline has an extremely difficult time letting go of any attachment.  This difficulty is subconscious and was formed when he was preverbal, so he isn't aware of it consciously and couldn't put it into words, it's just a drive, a need, so strong in fact, being the core of the disorder, that he will delete facts and warp the truth to accommodate the drive.  Looked at in that light it makes total sense, but trying to reconcile it in our reality will drive you crazy.

You know what to do from here; take care of you!

[arn131arn]

Putting out feelers. Just because he is with someone else doesn't mean he is happy. They are always looking for attention. Fiancé, big deal, . Sad isn't it? 

This was me not 6 months ago.  I am sure.  Fiancee, big deal.  What other dicks are out there, i wonder?

[LuckyEscapee]

Heeltoheal; that makes a lot of sense, except he is currently on vacation on a beautiful tropical island posting photos of time with his beautiful family, so how on earth could he be fearing abandonment? This guy (who the hell knows how?) should be counting his blessings every hour on the hour. I am glad he seems to be functioning in a relationship, great for him as long as it doesn't involve me! Also we have had zilch relationship for two years now, so how can abandonment exist without an attachments abandon?

The great thing is I will not be wasting one wink of sleep over this latest contact  

This is a personal triumph as I was on sleeping tablets for the longest time during the aftermath.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... . yay to all us here!  

[fromheeltoheal]

Abandonment in a psychological sense; he had an attachment with you once, and it is extremely diificult for a borderline to let that go, ever.  Mine contacted me 10 years after we broke up, and then 25 years after, and silly me, I thought she'd changed.

He wants to feel he still has some emotional hooks in you, and he does, because you're typing to us.  Good thing you're not going to lose any sleep over it, you're almost detached!

[LuckyEscapee]

 LOL yes you are correct, but I am typing to you in the hope of greater understanding. Never ever did it cross my mind to type to him... . and a certainty of chaos and confusion.

[free-n-clear]

Ok then if he is and I am happy, why email me?

Here's why:

he has a new baby

He's probably not getting any.

[LuckyEscapee]

LMAO yeah probably that is all it is! Perhaps I'm overthinking it 

Thank you for the giggle.

[free-n-clear]

  I think it's called Damocles Sword: The simplest answer is usually the correct one.

     Glad it gave you a laugh.

[goldylamont]

, free'n'clear you're right. i think it's naive to fall back on 'abandonment fears' as the reason why BPD do all wrong. i mean i totally agree that it's at the root of their disorder. but after 10 month NC, a new fiance and a baby, what i'm assuming was tons of devaluation and abuse to LuckyEscapee... . i'm sorry but i can't write off his contacting her although she's overtly tried blocking him from all communications because he's feeling abandoned. he simply has no empathy and doesn't give a damn about anyone, not his fiance or LuckyEscapee, his new child or himself.

[babyducks]

  Why is he rewriting reality? Does he honestly believe his lies, or does he think I'd be stupid enough to believe them? So he accepts I'm in a relationship? Ok then if he is and I am happy, why email me?

Lucky,

Its a mental illness.  Really it is a mental illness.  People who suffer from the traits of BPD have thought instability, they have intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary.  So I would say yes he believes what he is saying to you.   He has to.   He rewrites reality to protect himself.

Another trait of BPD is denying the perceptions of others.   So no I don't think he can frame thoughts that would allow you to believe or not believe what he wrote.   He just assumes you see it the same way he does. Disagreeing with him would threaten his reality and his sense of self.

If he is happy he emails as an outlet for his emotions.   People with BPD don't sit quietly with their emotions they spread them all over.   I would guess he is telling himself how friendly you two are now and how there is no bad blood between you.   Again his reality to make himself feel better and protect himself from hurt.   Not your reality.

My two cents.

'ducks

[laelle]

I have an ex boyfriend (long time "friend" who only emails me when he is feeling down.  He emails "I miss you"... . we haven't dated in 25 years and have only seen each other once since then.

He is married and blissfully happy!  I know he only emails when something is wrong so I ask him, he tells me, I talk a bit with him, then he goes silent.  Mid conversation.

He "needed" something.  He got it, (or didnt get it), without thought to how I might feel, or without thought of talking to his wife about his doubts.  I am in no way intimately involved with him, therefore it doesnt overly bother me.  Is he a true friend... . heck no.  A true friend would not use me as a garbage dump.  He doesnt have a clue what is going on inside his own head.

[patientandclear]

... . he is currently on vacation on a beautiful tropical island posting photos of time with his beautiful family, so how on earth could he be fearing abandonment? This guy (who the hell knows how?) should be counting his blessings every hour on the hour.

This is actually a very common behavior.  If he's in a period of closeness in another r/s he very likely is feeling that something terrible will go wrong.  He needs other connections/attachments to exist to alleviate that terror.  You might be one.  He reached out.  He may have reached out to others too.

Just before he broke up with me, my uBPDex & I were on a beautiful vacation (how many times have I read that on this board?).  It was intense, wonderful., blissful.  Later I learned that en route there (we were coming from different places) he was emailing his ex-gf who hadn't heard from him for months.  Just casual, like your overture.  Touching her (whom he believed still cared for him).  When he left me, he returned to communicating with her & a few months later they were back together.  He told her a story about how it was always all about her -- he was pining for her etc.  But actually, I think she could have been anyone.  He just needed a safe place to jump to when he got scared about us.  When they were hot & heavy, & I'd started NC, he sent me a similar casual email.  Just checking to see who else is out there just in case.

[fromheeltoheal]

, free'n'clear you're right. i think it's naive to fall back on 'abandonment fears' as the reason why BPD do all wrong. i mean i totally agree that it's at the root of their disorder. but after 10 month NC, a new fiance and a baby, what i'm assuming was tons of devaluation and abuse to LuckyEscapee... . i'm sorry but i can't write off his contacting her although she's overtly tried blocking him from all communications because he's feeling abandoned. he simply has no empathy and doesn't give a damn about anyone, not his fiance or LuckyEscapee, his new child or himself.

I agree that a borderline has no empathy, for a couple of reasons: my ex was in psychic pain constantly, I got to see it first hand when she dragged me into it, and dealing with her own crap was a full time job, there wasn't anything left over for other people.  Plus, she was emotionally stunted, immature, and really didn't understand what was going on with other people.  So the lack of empathy seemed selfish and cruel, but it was the best she could do, not malicious.  I liken it to someone who is injured or sick: they will say mean things to people and no one would expect them to do anything for anyone else, behavior that is excused because of their condition.  A borderline is very sick too, they just hide it well, because they know it would drive everyone away, abandonment once again.

The fear of abandonment is an emotional drive that a sufferer can't put into words, more than a reason.  Like P&C said, he may be feeling impending abandonment in his current relationship, someone who will leave just like Lucky did, because everyone leaves, getting that feeling again, so time to reach out to former abandonees to see if there's any soothing to be had.

[myself]

There's also an element of rubbing our faces in it. Since they can't escape the past, why should we be allowed to? It gets wrapped in a non-threatening way because they think it covers up what they're really doing. Which is fishing for us with a club. Mostly taking place under the surface. Having an illness does not excuse intentionally messing with someone else's reality. The lies make it worse. PwBPD have a new chance every day to find real help but they decide not to. These temporary games have got to go.

 

[LuckyEscapee]

Thanks everyone, your responses really helped me.

Myself; he wrote the note basically saying I can find you, I know where you work, I know who you are with now, and despite your best efforts I can still reach you. He is sad and pathetic and needs to focus elsewhere on things that really matter!

Goldy & HealtoHeel; you are correct, he has no empathy and only cares about himself. I think this is mostly because he says he cannot 'feel' a connection with people. He feels numbness and disconnected from people. He used to say he didn't feel love, till it poured out of him as hate.

Patient and Clear; this made a great deal of sense. He would probably feel overwhelmed, because life has changed for him and he has so much more to lose now. The stakes have increased and he has a tendency to self sabotage anything good. He worries about the future and not being happy, but doesn't know what happy is.

Laelle; thank you, you made me realise that my ex would indeed use me in this way if he could. I used to liken him to a bucket with many holes in it, so he needed multiple pourers. I broke my back pouring and pouring, I was an A+ pourer. He is probably thinking about getting  a back up team together and is reaching out to see if I am available for duty.

Baby ducks; this helped me a lot! You are correct and that he has to rewrite history to protect himself. How can he own up to what he actually did?   Thinking about what you posted reminded me of how he used to do this all the time. He can rewrite my no response to his own liking then too!

Free'n'clear; I think you are right and I was simply a throwaway thought. 1) Think about Lucky, 2) email Lucky. By the typing and the terms used in the email, he hardly spent any time on it. It wasn't crafted or articulate like he has the gifted ability to be. That's ok as I am fine being a throwaway thought, one step closer to being no thought at all 

There was a time that my world was turned upside down and inside out. I was confused and scared by the fact that apparently the sky was green and the grass was blue. I was wrong about everything. Every bad decision my ex had ever made was my doing. That was the topsy-turvy chaos and bizarre situations that BPD brought to my life. Getting that man outta my life and finding this site and a label for the madness, was like painting my dark world white overnight. Into calm and serenity and simple truths again.

I will not respond. I have blocked this latest email and hopefully that will be the end. My only concern is that he would turn up at my workplace, but realistically that would take effort, expense and energy. None of which he is ever keen to do for anyone. He prefers 0% effort for 100% entitlement, so I think it unlikely. But if he does, I will deal with it. I am not the same person he knew, and I accept I never knew him.

Good luck to him, but better, brighter luck to all us here 

[goldylamont]

There's also an element of rubbing our faces in it. Since they can't escape the past, why should we be allowed to? It gets wrapped in a non-threatening way because they think it covers up what they're really doing. Which is fishing for us with a club. Mostly taking place under the surface. Having an illness does not excuse intentionally messing with someone else's reality. The lies make it worse. PwBPD have a new chance every day to find real help but they decide not to. These temporary games have got to go.

wow, fishing with a club is such a great analogy people like this can believe their own lies i'm sure, self deceit running rampant. i get that this is a possibility. but often they are aware of what they are up to. they may not be able to control the compulsion to keep doing it; but they know. i'm sure this guy's new fiance isn't aware that he's communicating with LuckyEscapee, he's conscious enough to lie and cover this up. conscious enough to project to the rest of the world on fb how 'great' things are with his new family. i'm sure if his current wife asked him if he still was in touch with his ex's he could consciously craft a lie to cover up the fact that he is. it is true that this behavior is compulsory and often not wanted by the pwBPD (like say a gambling addict that can't stop), but you know, they fully know right from wrong, which is why they know how to lie and keep things secret.

Thanks everyone, your responses really helped me.

Myself; he wrote the note basically saying I can find you, I know where you work, I know who you are with now, and despite your best efforts I can still reach you. He is sad and pathetic and needs to focus elsewhere on things that really matter!

Goldy & HealtoHeel; you are correct, he has no empathy and only cares about himself. I think this is mostly because he says he cannot 'feel' a connection with people. He feels numbness and disconnected from people. He used to say he didn't feel love, till it poured out of him as hate.

Patient and Clear; this made a great deal of sense. He would probably feel overwhelmed, because life has changed for him and he has so much more to lose now. The stakes have increased and he has a tendency to self sabotage anything good. He worries about the future and not being happy, but doesn't know what happy is.

Laelle; thank you, you made me realise that my ex would indeed use me in this way if he could. I used to liken him to a bucket with many holes in it, so he needed multiple pourers. I broke my back pouring and pouring, I was an A+ pourer. He is probably thinking about getting  a back up team together and is reaching out to see if I am available for duty.

Baby ducks; this helped me a lot! You are correct and that he has to rewrite history to protect himself. How can he own up to what he actually did?   Thinking about what you posted reminded me of how he used to do this all the time. He can rewrite my no response to his own liking then too!

Free'n'clear; I think you are right and I was simply a throwaway thought. 1) Think about Lucky, 2) email Lucky. By the typing and the terms used in the email, he hardly spent any time on it. It wasn't crafted or articulate like he has the gifted ability to be. That's ok as I am fine being a throwaway thought, one step closer to being no thought at all 

There was a time that my world was turned upside down and inside out. I was confused and scared by the fact that apparently the sky was green and the grass was blue. I was wrong about everything. Every bad decision my ex had ever made was my doing. That was the topsy-turvy chaos and bizarre situations that BPD brought to my life. Getting that man outta my life and finding this site and a label for the madness, was like painting my dark world white overnight. Into calm and serenity and simple truths again.

I will not respond. I have blocked this latest email and hopefully that will be the end. My only concern is that he would turn up at my workplace, but realistically that would take effort, expense and energy. None of which he is ever keen to do for anyone. He prefers 0% effort for 100% entitlement, so I think it unlikely. But if he does, I will deal with it. I am not the same person he knew, and I accept I never knew him.

Good luck to him, but better, brighter luck to all us here 

LuckyEscapee this last post was inspiring for me and i identify with so much of it. Preferring 0% effort for 100% entitlement is so spot on. Makes me think of this quote:

In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you - Buddha

and this is what i'm working through right now. gracefully letting go and i feel strong on my path to complete this.

[free-n-clear]

I think it's called Damocles Sword: The simplest answer is usually the correct one.

   Sorry guys, I gave you a bum steer. It's not Damocles' Sword, it's Occams' Razor. I knew there was a sharp instrument in there somewhere! 

[LuckyEscapee]

Yeah he is definitely lying all around to everyone, including himself. The last attempt to reel me in was after his fiancée got pregnant and I was supposedly still his soul mate. His fiancée would go bananas if she knew he keeps contacting me. Apparently she was some mad crazy unreasonable jealous woman.   Oh how I can finally laugh in retrospect. I must have checked my brain in at the door when I fell for him!

Lies, excuses, hate and blame 24/7   Thank the heavens it wasn't me having his children, and bonded to him for life. I don't think I could have endured that.

[goldylamont]

hence your name, LuckyEscapee! 

i feel the same