One Thing at a Time

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPDS 24 lives at home with myself and his brother 18. He is really difficult to live with. My son 18 is very angry and spends a lot of time at friend's houses to avoid being at home. He doesn't want to know about BPD, he doesn't want to help and I can't blame him. I have spent the better part of 30 years tolerating my BPDH who left us 4 years ago and I am spent. I used to be soo patient and loving and no matter how I was treated, I would just be agreeable and clean up his mess. I cannot spend the next 30 years of my life doing the same thing for my BPDS. Along with very risky behaviour, extremely sensitive emotions, binge eating, drug abuse and moodiness, he is very demanding of my support. Recently he lost his licence for speeding on his motorcycle and is absolutely obsessed with taking as much evidence to court to get out of it. He has videoed the road where he was pulled over, he has been to the police station and he demands that I stop whatever I'm doing to sit down and support him as he talks about how he's going to get out of the fine. I want to tell him that he should just pay it and stop creating all this stress for himself. I want to tell him that I'm on the police officer's side but he would be so hurt and angry. He would accuse me of not being there for him and calling him a liar. The other issue I have is that he gave up smoking just before his last stay in hospital (he goes into hospital every 18 months or so). As soon as he was admitted, he went straight back to smoking a pack a day and said that there was nothing else to do in hospital and he would quit when he got home again. Of course, he now smokes at home. His brother gets very bad asthma when BPDS smokes. I hate it because he leaves the ash and butts all over my back doorstep and he smells and his clothing smells and it's just really inconsiderate of the rest of us who live here too. I accompanied him to his therapist on Friday and we discussed the possibility of a compromise. BPDS said that it would be best if he left home because I was being unreasonable by asking him not to smoke. The therapist then said that would make me feel pretty guilty and she's right. I said it seemed silly for him to move out over such a minor issue. He said that he'd consider using e-cigs instead. He is so hard to live with that I'm sorry now that I wasn't quick enough to take him up on his offer to move out except that he would see it as me asking him to leave. He would blame me and tell himself that I have rejected him. He has no job, no friends and is totally addicted to Oxycontin which his doctor prescribes for cluster headaches (which I believe he suffers from

but not as frequently as he says). What do I deal with first and how do I deal with it? Do I just pretend that he's right about the speeding fine and let him find out the hard way that he'll lose his licence? Do I listen to his justification and nod in agreement for the next few weeks until it comes up in court? Do I set a date for when he gives away the cigarettes and buys e-cigs? His therapist has given me the name of a counsellor who an help me manage the stress my son creates in our home. I can't wait to speak with him but I also know that my fuse is very short now- my BPDH has worn me out after 30 years and unfortunately one day soon, my BPDS will have to go too. Ahhh! I hate conflict!

[Upbeat Girl]

My BPDS 24 lives at home with myself and his brother 18. He is really difficult to live with. My son 18 is very angry and spends a lot of time at friend's houses to avoid being at home. He doesn't want to know about BPD, he doesn't want to help and I can't blame him. I have spent the better part of 30 years tolerating my BPDH who left us 4 years ago and I am spent. I used to be soo patient and loving and no matter how I was treated, I would just be agreeable and clean up his mess. I cannot spend the next 30 years of my life doing the same thing for my BPDS. Along with very risky behaviour, extremely sensitive emotions, binge eating, drug abuse and moodiness, he is very demanding of my support. Recently he lost his licence for speeding on his motorcycle and is absolutely obsessed with taking as much evidence to court to get out of it. He has videoed the road where he was pulled over, he has been to the police station and he demands that I stop whatever I'm doing to sit down and support him as he talks about how he's going to get out of the fine. I want to tell him that he should just pay it and stop creating all this stress for himself. I want to tell him that I'm on the police officer's side but he would be so hurt and angry. He would accuse me of not being there for him and calling him a liar. The other issue I have is that he gave up smoking just before his last stay in hospital (he goes into hospital every 18 months or so). As soon as he was admitted, he went straight back to smoking a pack a day and said that there was nothing else to do in hospital and he would quit when he got home again. Of course, he now smokes at home. His brother gets very bad asthma when BPDS smokes. I hate it because he leaves the ash and butts all over my back doorstep and he smells and his clothing smells and it's just really inconsiderate of the rest of us who live here too. I accompanied him to his therapist on Friday and we discussed the possibility of a compromise. BPDS said that it would be best if he left home because I was being unreasonable by asking him not to smoke. The therapist then said that would make me feel pretty guilty and she's right. I said it seemed silly for him to move out over such a minor issue. He said that he'd consider using e-cigs instead. He is so hard to live with that I'm sorry now that I wasn't quick enough to take him up on his offer to move out except that he would see it as me asking him to leave. He would blame me and tell himself that I have rejected him. He has no job, no friends and is totally addicted to Oxycontin which his doctor prescribes for cluster headaches (which I believe he suffers from

but not as frequently as he says). What do I deal with first and how do I deal with it? Do I just pretend that he's right about the speeding fine and let him find out the hard way that he'll lose his licence? Do I listen to his justification and nod in agreement for the next few weeks until it comes up in court? Do I set a date for when he gives away the cigarettes and buys e-cigs? His therapist has given me the name of a counsellor who an help me manage the stress my son creates in our home. I can't wait to speak with him but I also know that my fuse is very short now- my BPDH has worn me out after 30 years and unfortunately one day soon, my BPDS will have to go too. Ahhh! I hate conflict!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Upbeat Girl - you sound so worn down. I understand this so well. My BPDDD is now 27 and has been a struggle since a very young child. BPD is a complex disorder coming from both the genetic makeup (family history your DS has) and the biology and psychological experiences of his life. As a parent it is so hard to separate from our years of care and let our grown up kids find their way. It is so scary.

I hope your new counselor has some understanding of BPD and does not blame you in this with your son. There is a lot of information in the sidebar at the right. Maybe you have read some of this related to your exH. I find doing a refresher when I am drowning in my dread helps. I also got some great help reading "Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" by Valerie Porr. A deeper understanding of BPD and many new ways to cope with my DD and the rest of the family.

It has been really hard to find the balance with my DD. It is better when she is not living with us, yet so painful because she lives homeless without some financial support form us. There is no family or friends willing to have her in their homes. She has had some legal issues with DUI and domestic violence. It is hard to stay out of her legal issues - thinking she is innocent and fighting in court and losing. She wants me to help defend her - and I have tried to 'be on her side'. Ultimately this has only lengthened out the process for her. If you can find the courage to let your son know this is his ticket to resolve, I would certainly support you in that consideration. Also a good idea to sign the motorcycle over to him.

It is also a good thing that your DS goes to therapy. It does not seem that effective to use your feeling guilty to try and make him change is behavior - at least IMHO. Having your own therapist may be very helpful in this.

Be kind to yourself. It is hard to make good decisions when exhausted. Keep coming back and let us know how things are going.

qcr

[Upbeat Girl]

Thank you qcarolr. I feel supported and understood. As it turns out, I didn't have to do anything about the motorcycle. He came home today and told me he'd been fined again for speeding and lost his licence on the spot. He told me, "Mum, I'm out of control and I don't know what's wrong." I told him I knew what was wrong and I suspected he has BPD and he said that the psych in hospital also suggested he has it. (he had not previously told me this) This is the 2nd diagnosis. (He was diagnosed by another psych a few years ago but we have both been in denial) I sent him to this forum. He read some of it and agreed with me. He says he will get help. I know it's a long road ahead but at least he admits there's something wrong. It's hard when you love your kids isn't it? I mean, hard to step away and watch them self-sabotage everything they turn their attention to. I think my tiredness actually helped me to give him the space he needed to admit there was a problem. I honestly am just not up to living his life for him and had let him go ahead to make whatever mistakes he needed to work it out. Even if that meant killing himself on his bike. Thank God he didn't kill himself or anyone else. Thanks also for the advice about Valerie Porr's book and the sidebar on the right. I'm going to buy the book and I'm all over this wonderful forum! I'd like to be able to help someone with my advice one day instead of being the one asking for it. Good luck with your daughter- I know you understand what I'm going through. 

[co.jo]

That is great news- I remember when my daughter accepted she had BPD- a realization I had much sooner- I was on the phone with her answering calmly about her requests for funds for a therapist ( I had already researched and thought he sounded best) while meanwhile I was acting out YES! YES! YES! in a big way. It was hard to let her come to it in her own way , but then she totally owned the process and her future, and I was not in it to be blamed if it didn't work.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Upbeat Girl 

I can't tell you how happy I am that your son is accepting the fact that he may have BPD, realizes he has problems, and is willing to try to get help. That is a major breakthrough, which I'm sure you already know 

It seems like once you stepped back, stopped helping him, and let the natural consequences fall (whether you did that on purpose, or not), he reached his bottom and his new insights. I'm so very happy for your family!

Now that he is in this new place mentally, if the momentum towards treatment and recovery continue there is so much hope for him. If you haven't already read it already, my own son's story (just click the globe icon under my Avatar, or the blue link in my signature below) is very similar to your son's situation. And my son (36) is a real success story, after years of drug abuse and addiction, living with undiagnosed BPD (he was diagnosed with ADD, Depression, Social Anxiety & Hyperactive Thyroid at almost 21), and suicidal ideations. Then, finally, after his last suicidal ideation he was admitted to a Dual Diagnosis Program where he was diagnosed with the BPD and started treatment for it with his recovery program.

If you have access to a Dual Diagnosis Program, I highly recommend it... . My son relapsed after 2 "normal" rehab stays (one for 28 days, the other 2 years later lasted 36 days), which he hated. He loved the Inpatient, 21-day DDx Program because it treated his mental health issues first, then the addiction issues; instead of being treated as an addict only they recognized that he had been self-medicating his many mental health symptoms.

Please check out the TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right-hand margin of this page like qcarolr suggested... . I found this site a couple of days after my son was discharged from the DDx Program (they gave this site's webaddress with the discharge papers), and the information here is what taught me about BPD and sustained me in his recovery. It also helped me help him to do his recovery in the right way... . Please read his story if you can, because the similarities are so apparent to me that I think you could find hope there.

And, you will find hope here, too: Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs. And another thing... . my son also was a cigarette smoker, which caused him health problems and the family agitation. A year ago he started smoking e-cigarettes and I have to say, after the very first e-cig he actually stopped smoking altogether! He did try to puff a friend's cigarette just one time and couldn't stand the smell, taste and how it hurt his throat, and never puffed another time! He's not only been clean and sober from all drugs and alcohol for almost 11 months now, he's been off "real" cigarettes for a year! 

Good luck to you and your son, and I hope things continue in the right direction for him forever... . Please keep us updated, Upbeat Girl