The Red Flags I Ignored

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been thinking a lot about   's and the specifically, the ones I ignored when I first started dating my ex. And let me tell you, there were *many*.

Join me in having a good chuckle at my own expense (I know you'll be laughing *with* me, not at me   )

Here are the Top 10 's that Kai ignored:

1) My new love was twice divorced

2) Except, no, she wasn't twice divorced - she was divorced *once* and actually STILL MARRIED to her second wife

3) Oh, did I mention that her second wife was a foreign national who fled back to her own country and never came back?

4) She was estranged from her mother

5) And her father

6) And her best friend

7) And while we were dating, she abruptly became estranged from her *other* best friend

8) She didn't seem to have many friends

9) She's estranged from most of her extended family

10) She told me over and over again that I 'deserved better' and explained away her rages, saying "That's just the way I am."

Wanna play? Share yours in the comments... .  

[Free2Bee]

I've been thinking a lot about   's and the specifically, the ones I ignored when I first started dating my ex. And let me tell you, there were *many*.

Join me in having a good chuckle at my own expense (I know you'll be laughing *with* me, not at me   )

Here are the Top 10 's that Kai ignored:

1) My new love was twice divorced

2) Except, no, she wasn't twice divorced - she was divorced *once* and actually STILL MARRIED to her second wife

3) Oh, did I mention that her second wife was a foreign national who fled back to her own country and never came back?

4) She was estranged from her mother

5) And her father

6) And her best friend

7) And while we were dating, she abruptly became estranged from her *other* best friend

8) She didn't seem to have many friends

9) She's estranged from most of her extended family

10) She told me over and over again that I 'deserved better' and explained away her rages, saying "That's just the way I am."

Wanna play? Share yours in the comments... .  

[Moonie75]

She told me... .

"I used to be a very angry person, could make friends easily but couldn't keep them" Well, she was hardly going to tell me she was still like that!

On the subject of infidelity she once said "Everybody's at it".

I was totally love bombed & felt quite uncomfortable with the level of it. Several times asking her to stop buying me things.

She told me that she's once head butted her ex husband!

She used to txt bomb me when I was out with friends. The messages would get more & more angry & eventually would be thoroughly venomous.

This was all in the early days & during 'the honeymoon'.

 Since then, well, that would take me till next weekend to type up! 

[Free2Bee]

Oh yeah, I was love-bombed too. She fell in love with me at 'first sight' and said 'I love you' within the first few weeks. During an argument, no less. She made me feel like the most perfect, beautiful woman on the planet... . until I wasn't.

I kinda like the love-bombing, to be honest. Too bad it's not for reals... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I could fill up 10 inches of thread with red flags, but more important to me now is why did I ignore them to begin with, and why did I stay in the relationship when they continued? Sure, I'm a nice guy and was just trying to love her, blah, blah, but I was also severely deluded and naive. Note to self: grow up before you try and have any more 'adult' relationships.

[coastalfog1]

I could fill up 10 inches of thread with red flags, but more important to me now is why did I ignore them to begin with, and why did I stay in the relationship when they continued?

This is the one question that continues to eat at me. I saw the red flags,even mentioned them early on to a friend from home. They said run so what did I do, stay !

I'm right there with you Moonie75, the whole buying things is kind of creepy. Whats worse is when they lose it on you and start quoting what they spent and how unappreciative you are.

[Moonie75]

I could fill up 10 inches of thread with red flags, but more important to me now is why did I ignore them to begin with, and why did I stay in the relationship when they continued?

I'm right there with you Moonie75, the whole buying things is kind of creepy. Whats worse is when they lose it on you and start quoting what they spent and how unappreciative you are.

Yup. We went there regularly! 

[myself]

We've all known people who were divorced or didn't have the most ideal family. How many of them intentionally misrepresented and sabotaged their relationships to these degrees? Red flags are in the actions of who a person is today, not what they went through to get here. We got up and danced with them. We saw what we wanted to. Then there were so many things happening at once we lost focus.

[Ironmanrises]

For me the    were interpreted by me as mere quirks. No danger, whatsoever. A naive idyll, that would soon end after I experienced her RAGING at me as she discarded me in round 1. A warm up, literally, to what I would experience in round 2; when she returned. To finish me off. All    presented first during friendship with her.

[MrFox]

1.) Divorced twice.

2.) Engaged twice in the two years I knew her before we started dating.

3.) Told me about her horrible past the third time we ever met.

4.) Cried the second time we talked.

5.) Every previous relationship ended because "they" were terrible.

6.) Spent some time in a mental institute.

7.) 90% of her FB posts.  So much so that when we were just friends I put her on ignore because I was tired of the woe-is-me posts followed by the "I'm a fierce, strong woman" posts.

8.) Told me I was her best friend after knowing me for a month.

9.)  Sent me the first provocative photo three weeks after meeting.

10.) Only invited me over when her "roommate" was out of town.  He was her first engagement after her divorce.  They got engaged the day after I told her for the first time I just wanted to remain friends.

Looking at that list and knowing I could keep going kind of sucks.  Then again I feel better for typing it.  Makes me realize that the signs were always there and I just ignored them.  Also makes me realize that I will do my best to never ignore someone when they are trying to show me who they really are.

[irishmarmot]

Kai, thanks for all the support,  I'm at day11 of NC and feeling better. I can relate to everything here but will add a few things.

Has 4 phone #

Daughter sent back all things she bought her when she went to college

Sons blocked her on FB

Her public FB is vague

No pics of me on FB even though I am love of her life

Lost custody of all her kids

There were a lot more but just can't think of them at the moment.   She was nothing but trouble.  And she knows how to use the system.   She got a DV order on me for nothing.   I now realize she had found a replacement at that time.  But she withdrew after 5 days.  Must of had a fight with him.  At any rate she hasn't tried to contact me for a week and I don't think she will so I need to move on with my life.

[Pretty Woman]

My ex had NO friends except one in the area that she was always hot and cold with-they would become "besties" anytime she dumped me. This friend also is a bit strange and has major depression/suicidal. All her "past friends" she talked to on the phone and FB but there were none in the "present".

-My ex talked to all her exes and kept tabs on them. She would send me pictures of them or show pictures on her phone.

-My ex described the ex before me as a "sex addicted stalker" she had to move away from and change her number but was discussing me with her a month into our relationship.

-My ex told me about her past within a few weeks of knowing her. It read like a soap opera and she even told me about how many times she cheated on her exes and "stole exes" from their current partners. I thought I was different. Ha.

-My ex recycles exes or triangulates them with her new relationships.

-My ex has a sorrid sexual history including being raped by men and women. She was neglected as a child and her father was a violent cheater. Her mother is distant and cold (her words).

-My ex would proposition my friends (this I found out from friends after the last breakup).

-My ex french kissed my friend in front of me at a gay club because she wondered what it would be like to kiss her---no boundaries and no respect for me.

-My ex took absolutely no responsibility for the demise of our relationship.  I was described as a "lovely and generous woman with a good heart" that she was very attracted to---but in her words we should "see other people" (another word for she already replaced me). A week later when I asked why she was dumping me, I became a self absorbed beeotch and this was all my fault.

-My ex locked her cell phone a few weeks into our relationship.

-My ex valued her exes opinions of me and they didn't even know me.

[Ironmanrises]

Kai, thanks for all the support,  I'm at day11 of NC and feeling better. I can relate to everything here but will add a few things.

Has 4 phone #

Daughter sent back all things she bought her when she went to college

Sons blocked her on FB

Her public FB is vague

No pics of me on FB even though I am love of her life

Lost custody of all her kids

I experienced the same in round 2. She came back to me after leaving me in round 1(3 months NC), begging and crying, "I want MY man back" and on her social media, not one pic of me and her together where you actually can see my face(just one in the act of kissing but taken at such an angle where my face is not recognizable).   I get chest pains remembering that. She had tons of pics of her and her sons, friends, family. But of me? NONE. I felt like the biggest loser after that. And then questioned me on my self esteem in return. No win.

[Tincup]

Red flags that I ignored were she was separated for 8 years (but never divorced).  Told me she loved me after a couple of dates.  Would get MAD if she texted me and I did not respond back within a couple minutes.  There were many more, but these are some of the ones that made me think HUH in the beginning...

[State85]

-   Sending me texts of what she could do, sexually

-   Still dating someone, but texting me

-   Told me “I’m sure I will screw this relationship up”

-   Still in contact with old ex’s

-   Keeps pictures of old ex’s on facebook, like some kind of trophy room

-   Immediately started talking about living together

-   Texting other guys when we were together

-   Her 2 most recent jobs were in a male-dominated industry

-   Majority of her FB friends are male

-   Would blow up my phone if I didn’t respond to a text or voice mail quick enough

-   Flipped me off several times over trivial issues

-   Parents called police on her twice to get her out of their house

-   Emotional, verbal, and Physical abuse

I’m sure there are more, this is what comes to mind right now.

[SicMDawgs]

I saw a few while dating from 1987-1990.  Highs and lows with his mood, had very few friends and always had to be right.      He was always pretty good to me .    It is what I uncovered after I broke up with him that has broken my heart , the 24 years that I missed , thank goodness!        Of course all his downfalls were my fault. I destroyed him.

[Obibens]

I want to give a few examples of subtle signs that I missed.  Even to this day almost all of it is emotional manipulation and abuse.  I used to think it was no big deal, I just needed to man up and take it.  Now that I have a 20 yr old just diagnosed with BPD, and my other two kids are both seeing a therapist for depression (mostly talking about their mom), I can’t deny that this is just as bad as the more ‘overt’ BPD traits.  Hopefully I can help those dealing with a similar situation on identifying these more ‘subtle’ features.

1)   If an argument that was important to her wasn’t going her way, she’d drop a ‘bomb’ – something very hurtful and completely off topic to bring up the feelings of guilt.  I wrote a long post on one such example while we were engaged.

2)   While we were engaged, one of the husbands of one of her sisters pulled me aside and told me “Avoid this family at all costs”.  One of her sisters accused me date my future wife because I ‘smelled money’.  Even though I didn’t grow up poor, and that family was in no means ‘rich’.

3)   She complained constantly about how her mom and sisters had all abandoned her completely, even though they all talked to her and they invited us to multiple family/social gatherings – which we both attended.

4)   I started to hear the phrase “I have nothing at all do with this.  This was all your fault and your issues”

5)   She slowly found fault with all of my friends, in fact I believe she even lied about one of my friends hitting on her that put a wedge between us. Now that I think of it she accused my brother of hitting on her as well.

6)   She opened up about big family issues with her sisters and her on our second date.  I wrote this off because I already had some familiarity with her family.

7)   She seemed to remember events much differently than I did and started accusing me of saying things that I swore I never said.  Then I noticed she did that with her sisters/mom as well.  If I ever interjected to say that I didn’t agree with her at times, I heard “Who are you going to believe – my awful family or your wife?”

8)   She was constantly saying that she was a screw up and messed up all the time.  But was extremely sensitive to any criticism – real or perceived.  If I asked her what she screws up all the time, she could never seem to give me a specific example.

9)   On our second date, we were driving up to the mountains and she’d alternate between blasting the A/C and blasting the heater. She was either ‘freezing’ or ‘burning up’. (which leads to #9)

10)   She constantly of exaggerated.  “I’ve heard that a million times” (even though I’ve said that only 2 or 3 times).  “I never see my family.  We always see yours”.  (even though we had seen both families roughly the same amount in a given time period).

There are more, but I really wanted to give examples of more covert flags.  In some ways these are much harder because they mess directly with your sanity.

[SOOOdone]

Oh this will be FUN:

1. He lived with mother (I thought it was cultural. His father had died recently, and he was now "Head of Household" in his culture. Turns out he wasn't the head of anything and never lived alone).

2. His car could only be opened from the passenger's side (cute at the time. annoying years later).

3. He claimed his only pet was a black widow spider (I thought it was funny at the time, of course)

4. Never had a girlfriend to date (hell, I thought that would make him more apt to be FAITHFUL. Wrong!)

5. On the first date wore a tie with aliens on it (he liked it because he got it for 6.95 at Ralph's Grocery. I thought it was refreshingly unassuming. Now I think he was telling me he was an alien).

6. On the second date was hiding behind an aquarium in the restaurant. I had to go FIND him.

7. Third or Forth Date: He was mad when I asked him to please put a coaster under his glass on my glass table (turns out he didn't want to be told what to do. I thought he was just embarrassed)

8. At the risk of T.M.I., he actually FELL ASLEEP during an intimate act. I thought he was slowing down at first to tease me. Then I heard a snore... .

9. He wanted me off all dating sites after two weeks. Never knew till later the rules didn't apply to him, however.

10. Cried on our second date while dramatically claiming his father "died as a result of trying to make a better life for his family". Well he learned from that as he never tried to make a better life for us.

I don't feel like I "should have" seen warning signs. Someone told me once "Hindsight is better than Foresight by a damn sight." At the same time, I was getting all sorts of positive feedback from trusted friends, I had fun, enjoyed his company, and don't regret meeting him. I think I learned a lot about myself from him and through him. And I can laugh about most of it now too:)

[santa]

There were tons of red flags over the course of the relationship.

The first one stands out the most though.

My building had gated parking. You had to have a gate pass to get in. So, I'd only been dating her a few weeks. It hadn't become all that serious yet. I'd been out having a few beers at a dive bar with a buddy of mine from law school. Nothing she should have been upset about. So, I'd texted back and forth with her and everything seemed fine.

When I got out of my car and started walking toward the building, she came up to me in the parking lot. She had no right or reason to be there and I had no warning she'd be there. It was totally unexpected and sort of scared me. She was mad that I hadn't called her the last couple of days and had only sent texts. I should have gotten rid of her right then and there.

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been a while but here are the earliest red flags... . more like huge, blazing red banners. Lesson learned!

#1 Divorced two times at the age of 24 y/o

#2 Divorced for barely a month when we started dating

#3 Had a 1 y/o through the failed marriage whom she allowed to call me "daddy" in just a few weeks

#4 Said I love you within 2 weeks

#5 Very, very physical on the first date

#6 Marriage talk within a few weeks

#7 "If this works out we're going to be texting a lot... . I'm going to need to see you more than 2 nights a week (became very enmeshed very quickly)

#8 Very strange arguments (gum smacking, sharing food, etc.)

[arn131arn]

My exBPDfiancee cracked a beer bottle over her head on our 3rd date.

Yep a real life standard sized beer bottle... .