BPD exes randomly popping into our heads--I get so angry

[Sango216]

Hi all!

Sometimes I'll be sitting here doing whatever--watching TV, texting or e-mailing someone, etc.  Something will happen and it'll remind me of him.  It's usually something negative and then I get angry, with him and with myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did.  :)oes anyone else do this?

I was sitting here telling a friend about something funny that happened to me today.  All of a sudden I remember this one day when I was texting my BPD-ex (boyfriend at the time) and some other friends about something hilarious my professor said in class.

I sent this to a ton of friends and my boyfriend:

"So I'm sitting in class today and my professor comes in.  He said 'Oh no.  I forgot the assignment for essay number one.  I need to give them to you all today.'  I asked my professor ':)o you have it saved in your inbox?' He looks at me and says 'No, Sango.  I f__ked up today.'"

It was so hard not to burst out laughing in class when he said that.  I thought it was the funniest thing and so did my friends that I sent it to.  My ex, of course, did not.  What was his response?  'That's not funny at all.'  I remember getting so angry.  Even if you don't think it's funny you didn't have to be so rude about it.  It doesn't seem like something that should've set me off.  I can imagine I sound like the one with more serious issues than him, huh?  However, it's the fact that he was like that all the time.  I would send him random thinds and he'd always say "That's not funny."  "That's dumb."  "Yadyadya."  He was such a jerk.  He made fun of my natural hair and said it looks wild and "nappy."

Tonight when I thought about it I got really upset.  I wish I could travel back in time and tell him how ugly I thought he was when we first started dating, or tell him about how embarrassed I was when we went on our first date and my friend said he looked forty when he's only 22, or how gross his mole is and how he dresses like a sixty year old man with his quarter-zip sweaters.  Ugh.  There was so much I didn't say because I wanted to spare his feelings, but he did not spare mine.  

I wonder how he's doing, whether he's dating anyone over there, whether he even thinks of me anymore or feels bad for anything that he did.  

Thinking about him and the way he treated me has really caused me to look at myself and wonder why in the world I didn't give him a dose of his own medicine.  Why didn't I stand up for myself?  If anything, it is motivating me to stand up for myself today and every day onward, in regard to relationships and friendships.