subtle Cruelty

[Turkish]

Heh heh heh  I just heard her in the other room get mad at D1 because she calls her "daddy" I find that amusing.

Got home tonight. She wanted me to grill dinner, though she had made the sides. No problem with me going into the dark backyard to get pillaged by scumbags, I guess. That's the one "man" role I have no problem with. She sits there reading a womans magazine article about "dos and donts in relationships." Not for me obviously! She's intellectually processing, but emotionallystill the same and doesn't realize it. Maybe I am still caught up.in the FOG that it will work for her (despite we all here talking incessantly about it). If you have to read that stuff out of a magazine,.you have no idea what the heck you are doing. At least books by professionals have some credibility. In the end, I realize these subtle devaluations serve to remind me of who and what she is, and destroys any desire to recycle, of which I had about 1% thoughts of in the last month. Let her turn her controlling efforts and neeeeed to him soon. Hell have it great for a while, but I won't forget: Lover, Clinger, Hater, Witch, DISCARD. the stupid thing about me is that she switched between all four in our 6 year r/s and I never learned to put down clear boundaries. She did say for me to sometimes, but I hated the idea of treating an adult like a child.

[PhoenixRising15]

Turkish,

I'm so sad for you.  It's terribly unfair what she is doing and has done to you.

When I read your posts, I almost feel bad posting here, like I have no right because I had it so light. 

You are one strong man, my brother.  I admire your strength.  If I had half of it, I think I'd be just fine right now.

I hope you are well and taking care of yourself.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I'm so sad for you.  It's terribly unfair what she is doing and has done to you.

When I read your posts, I almost feel bad posting here, like I have no right because I had it so light. 

You are one strong man, my brother.  I admire your strength.  If I had half of it, I think I'd be just fine right now.

I hope you are well and taking care of yourself.

Thank you! I don't have it as bad as some f our brethren here... . I guess I'm in the middle. If she were trying to take or alienate the kids, it would be far, far worse (hugs to Arn). We're all here, though, each with our pain, mostly common, but unique to us in our ways as well... .

[Turkish]

She wants to talk and engage like normal, updating me on her friends (those afar), like normal. It messes with me. I know why she does this, because in pretty much all respects, I am still her best friend. Well, she isn't mine, not even close... . mine are like the ones who drove two hours sat morning to support me after the burglary, be,even helped clean up a little, what we didn't clean up (glass was everywhere... . his wife even ckeaned the blood from the window sill, though I didn't ask), then bought me and my son dinner. They would have even come down at 1am sat if I had asked. Those are friends. That is love. Not NEED.

[PhoenixRising15]

Turkish,

I know in this moment it may be hard to appreciate, but focus on how amazing those people are in your life.  When I was going through my breakup, one friend drove 8 hours each way to spend 36 with me. Another picked me up and stayed with me on suicide watch until I made it to my therapist.

There truly are angels in the world, and they seem to come to me when I let them in.

Sending positive vibes your way, brother.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I know in this moment it may be hard to appreciate, but focus on how amazing those people are in your life.  When I was going through my breakup, one friend drove 8 hours each way to spend 36 with me. Another picked me up and stayed with me on suicide watch until I made it to my therapist.

There truly are angels in the world, and they seem to come to me when I let them in.

Sending positive vibes your way, brother.

Thanks, QF.   Those are indeed awesome friends.  I'm getting so much validation that I am handling this well... .   from you all here,  from friends,  work friends,  the therapist,  lawyer and even the tax guy... . I  am starting to believe it and finally in middle  age starting to believe in myself. I did  in  deed,  but not in mind.  that makes a difference.

[goldylamont]

turkish people keep saying how you are handling things well and i think you know i feel the same. but you should know that what i most admire is that you seem to be doing things in the right way--in a balanced way. there's a very fine line between what some would call the 'higher road' and what i would call being a doormat. and i just appreciate the fact that you are able to navigate things with a sense of honor and strength, not by being a doormat but at the same time by not flying off the walls. and this is the only way i think i could survive something like this. it's not about not being angry it's about being angry in the right way. i'm hoping this makes some sense. and, it's totally inappropriate for her to be reading relationship material in front of you like that, especially after asking you to cook. i totally understand this dilemma. i'm confident you'll make it through though--the way you describe your friends shows your ability to grasp the positive ions in this confusing stage.

you may not fully realize this now but you are giving yourself a humongous gift right now--and this is self respect. we all have so much healing to do after the separation is complete but i feel strong that you are will get out with a strong sense of self respect (even if you do slip up here or there for a moment or two). i don't get the feeling that you will be posting in a few months about how terrible you feel about treating your ex this way or that way. many others suffer from this guilt and i think perhaps that's what a lot of us are picking up on--that you are navigating how we would want, or would liked to have.

[maxen]

there is much goodness in this thread.

I know in this moment it may be hard to appreciate, but focus on how amazing those people are in your life.  When I was going through my breakup, one friend drove 8 hours each way to spend 36 with me. Another picked me up and stayed with me on suicide watch until I made it to my therapist.

There truly are angels in the world, and they seem to come to me when I let them in.

that's just wonderful QF. this has been my experience too. just this morning (it's 10am here) i have already been thinking about it: when i reach out, people respond. one pair of friends ordered me to come to their house and gave me a spare bedroom after d-day. since then i've spent t-giving and christmas with them and lived in their place about a month total. two cousins have also opened their doors to me. i've had great, validating insights from some of these people. as with turkish, workmates, therapist, lawyer and - yes - even my new tax guy (i've never had an accountant before) have been more than supportive. oh, and the posters here!

so ... .

Thanks, QF.   Those are indeed awesome friends.  I'm getting so much validation that I am handling this well... .   from you all here,  from friends,  work friends,  the therapist,  lawyer and even the tax guy... . I  am starting to believe it and finally in middle  age starting to believe in myself. I did  in  deed,  but not in mind.  that makes a difference.

why is it so hard to believe in myself and the validity of my situation in mind? how long will it take for it to seep into my synapses? i do not lack a sense of self (indeed i think i had too much of one for the comfort of my stbxw). so why do i wake up each day still in a state of terror and worthlessness?

[Mutt]

Let her turn her controlling efforts and neeeeed to him soon. Hell have it great for a while, but I won't forget: Lover, Clinger, Hater, Witch, DISCARD. the stupid thing about me is that she switched between all four in our 6 year r/s and I never learned to put down clear boundaries.  

Something as simple as boundaries is an eye-opener after the r/s is done.

I did the same Turkish. I had no boundaries and put people's needs first before my own.

Is there a difference between Hater and Witch?

[Waifed]

Turkish

You are a kind man.  What she is doing to you is so abusive.  It may not be intentional on her part but it is so wrong.  I know you will continue taking the high road through all of this but you have got to start looking after yourself.  You need to disengage from her even though she is still in your house.  Begin living separate lives.  If you read some of the literature on this site they talk about detaching.  It will be easier for you to start the process now.  If you wait until she leaves the pain will be so much worse.

She has cheated on you.  She is reading articles for the benefit of another man while living in your house.  You will be so angry with yourself once you come out of the FOG if you do not start treating her with indifference.  Gather up your self respect and start treating her like a woman of her actions.  She will become someone you never knew before once she is out of the house.  The cold, heartless soul will become evident.  :)eep down inside she cares about you but it will become hidden in her self conscious and she will do things you never imagined.  I never in a million years though that the ex would have treated me the way she did after I left her.  She was a person I had never met.  If you detach now it will help your pride, I promise you.  As a person who is now on the other side of a relationship I realized just how important it was for my ego/self esteem to take control of the situation instead of allowing her to tear me to shreds with cutting, condescending acts that keep you on a string just like a puppet.  Feeling like I had the upper hand when I left has made a big difference and it will for you also since you are going to be tied to her for many years to come.