what to look for in Family therapy

[jellibeans]

I really need some guidance when it comes to family therapy. Can someone please tell me what your sessions are like? Really how they are conducted etc?

We are at a point where we are looking at ending our family therapy. We just don't see it as helpful and often in is a platform for our dd16 to verbally abuse us and blame us for all that is wrong in her life. Charges of abuse when there was none etc... .

This is the second therapist we have tried and it is discouraging but I don't see it helping our family. I am wondering if we just haven't found the right one? Any feedback would be great.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans, we did family  therapy years ago with a dbt specialist and never helped our d would just blame us for everything wrong in her life and ended up in a screaming match every time it never worked for us part of the reason i think is because my d was not ready to accept and responsibility in her actions . We went roughly for 6 months once a week we have not gone back due to d does not want to after we would leave session we would all feel more upset than we were when we first got there.  But that is just our story good luck   

[lever.]

I have a bit of experience of this. Our own family therapy session was a disaster. The therapist just acted as an advocate for DD and supported her in attacking everyone else. However I do think that with a good family therapist who has a grounding in DBT and takes a neutral stance it could be helpful. I think it takes an extremely skilled therapist and also the timing needs to be right. The BPD needs to have learned some emotional regulation skills and the other family members need to have some understanding oftools to help and be open to self reflection. So I would say with the right Therapist at the right time it could help, but with the wrong therapist and introduced too early it could make things a lot worse.

As its difficult to get all this right I would say leave family therapy unless you are really sure about the therapist. Individual DBT with a separate support sessions for family members is more likely to be helpful in my experience.

[qcarolr]

WE have tried various family therapy over the years with our DD27. We never made it past the 1st or 2nd session. We had court ordered therapy twice when DD was in high school with T at social services. Had same T both times. He allowed DD to choose to come or not -- she came a couple times in a year each time. Did not really lead to change in our household - T tried to help dh and I change our patterns with DD. Think we were too naive about so much with DD at the time. Or in deeeeep denial. Especially about the sex and drugs part.

I really think that the pwBPD has to reach a minimal level of self-control and self-awareness first. There needs to be some level of respect for the parents even being there to go to therapy with the pwBPD. If the pwBPD cannot manage any level of accountability for their behaviour then it is often not a productive situation. And there needs to be sessions with just the parents.

I have heard of having a 4 party family session - ie. and T there to support the pwBPD, and T there to support the family, then all the participants. Kind of like mediation/therapy. Sometimes as parents we need to get to a more accepting place of our part as well. How we can stop making things worse.

The Gunderson videos and articles included in "Foundation Reading" in the right sidebar are excellent in this area. I would check them out. Come back a let us know if they helped.

qcr

[cbcrna1]

Can you have the therapist tell you what her/his goals are for your family, and how she/he plans on helping you reach them?  That may give you some idea of what you can expect to gain. 

[jellibeans]

Thanks for everyones input on this topic.

cbcrna1... .I have asked and was told several times  by our family therapist that she would come up with a plan and talk with my dd's T and have some plan going forward... .I was told this many times... .no plan really was developed except that we would use our family therapy time to discuss our problems and I would no longer sit in for a few minutes at the start of my dd therapy to update her on what had been going on at our home. I agreed that dd needed the privacy of with her T but I really think this kind of arrangement did nothing to improve family issues and certainly the family T was ill equiped to guide us through these sessions. I do think there is a better therapist out there... .maybe one with more experience with BPD... .I just don't know if this is the right time.

I am also a bit fearful that my dd's T is getting burnt out... .though my dd has shown improvement over the past several months we did have an ER visit right before christmas which was a real shock to us.

thanks qcaroir, lever, mggt... .for your insight. This is a hard topic for me because I want to do whatever I can to help my dd and my family but I really don't know the path to take... .

[crumblingdad]

Thanks for everyones input on this topic.

cbcrna1... .I have asked and was told several times  by our family therapist that she would come up with a plan and talk with my dd's T and have some plan going forward... .I was told this many times... .no plan really was developed except that we would use our family therapy time to discuss our problems

IMO This answers your question on the T's qualifications - would you stay in a restaurant for dinner if you asked for a menu and the waitress said she'd be back with one and kept coming back asking what you wanted to order without bringing back the menus to order from?

Planning to have a plan is no different then not having one at all and without one how can that therapy work?

Have you read through tips in Valerie Porr's book, "Overcoming Borderling Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change" on selecting a therapist? She has a section and advice devoted to it.  There are some excellent tips in it.  It's one of my favorite resources all the way around...


Seems everything I read on DBT therapy

involves a team approach with a DBT trained therapist combined with group therapy as well as a family therapist.  Also seems finding someone who can do all that is a lot easier said then done in most areas.

[jellibeans]

Yes that is my favorite book... .I need to get it out and read it again... .I don't know why I put it away because it is a constant source of help for me... .thanks!