Constantly Needs Reassurance

[guitarguy09]

My uBPD wife constantly seems to need reassurance that I'm on her side on issues and always insists that I stick up for her, no matter if I find the issue big or small. I have tried to explain many times how I don't believe sticking up for her is something I want to do given that she writes angry emails to people if she sees something she doesn't like. A good example of this is with my family. She has tried to fit in so hard with my sisters that she ended up really annoying them and getting on their bad side. I tried to be on her side as much as possible, including talking to my sisters about including her more, expressing when she felt unhappy with a current situation, etc.

It seems like no matter what I do, she wants me to change and become a confrontational type (I'm very much a Type B, no-conflict personality). I'm in it for the long haul and I have stuck with her through all the conflict so far. Any suggestions on what to do?

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[Murbay]

Hi guitarguy, only you can make the decision on what you do but I would suggest you stick to your own boundaries.

Everything you have written, sounds exactly like my exBPDw as she had the same temperament. I was even told at one point that regardless of if she is wrong, I am to stick up for her and then we can "discuss" it another time. I tried that on a couple of occasions, only to be raged at. The reason being I was accused of agreeing with her but then changing my mind to be confrontational. Just like you, I too am a no-conflict personality, which brings us our own issues around this.

What I would say is that there is no real right or wrong way to deal with what she is asking for. If you agree to what she is asking of you then you aren't being true to yourself, if you, if you do the opposite to what she is asking then that may trigger her and create more trouble for you. Middle ground doesn't necessarily work either.

The only thing I can suggest is to talk to her again, let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable sticking up for something you know is morally wrong and that it doesn't make a difference if it is her or anybody you know so it's not about her. Then see if you can find some common ground that works for both of you.

[guitarguy09]

Scary, that's almost exactly what she has said too. "You have to stick up for me whether you think I'm right or wrong." I appreciate your take, it sounds like you had a very similar experience. I'll try to come up with some things like that this weekend to talk about with her.