Do they want you to chase them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex, as some may have seen on other post about a month ago, called me out the blue, it had been 6 months since we last spoke, and that time when we last spoke, she told me to never contact her again, and she was cold, it was definitely not the person I had known, and it just came out of the blue, I abided, and was very surprised to hear from her before xmas, we spoke a couple times that week, and she was back to that sweet person I knew, we didn't bring up anything about the past, it was nice talking to her.  The thing is I was getting over here, and had she not called from a new #, probably wouldn't have answered.  We haven't talked now in like 3 weeks, but I can't get her off my mind now, but I have not called her, and it is difficult, because she is back to the sweet person I feel in love with, I figured she called because she did want me to have her new #, but I also wander if she wants to be chased, when I first met her, I chased her, she played hard to get, I chased, and I think we both enjoyed the ride, I was thinking back then, this girl made me work for her, but after finding out about BPD, I guess it was something totally different, she is doing some of the same things now, that we have spoke again, that she did in the beginning. If she call and I'm busy and can't answer, if I send her a text, she won't respond, if I call she will, I don't know if she think text is not personal enough, she just really got my mind in a tailspin all over again, when I had made it past that stage, I'm just venting my thoughts here, because I know so many of you, have been through the same exact thing.

[eclectic]

My ex, as some may have seen on other post about a month ago, called me out the blue, it had been 6 months since we last spoke, and that time when we last spoke, she told me to never contact her again, and she was cold, it was definitely not the person I had known, and it just came out of the blue, I abided, and was very surprised to hear from her before xmas, we spoke a couple times that week, and she was back to that sweet person I knew, we didn't bring up anything about the past, it was nice talking to her.  The thing is I was getting over here, and had she not called from a new #, probably wouldn't have answered.  We haven't talked now in like 3 weeks, but I can't get her off my mind now, but I have not called her, and it is difficult, because she is back to the sweet person I feel in love with, I figured she called because she did want me to have her new #, but I also wander if she wants to be chased, when I first met her, I chased her, she played hard to get, I chased, and I think we both enjoyed the ride, I was thinking back then, this girl made me work for her, but after finding out about BPD, I guess it was something totally different, she is doing some of the same things now, that we have spoke again, that she did in the beginning. If she call and I'm busy and can't answer, if I send her a text, she won't respond, if I call she will, I don't know if she think text is not personal enough, she just really got my mind in a tailspin all over again, when I had made it past that stage, I'm just venting my thoughts here, because I know so many of you, have been through the same exact thing.

[Perfidy]

Sorry you got ripped open again. I can ynderstand your frustration. Do you WANT to chase her? You have to ask your self how healthy this is for you.

[State85]

Yep, sounds like she got what she wanted... . She got you thinking about her again, she's back in control because she knows she is on your mind. And, she is probably NOT back to the sweet person you once knew... . sounds like just an act to get you re-engaged. I guarantee if you break NC, at some point that "sweet" person will dissappear... . You don't want to go back there.

[Lucky Jim]

Of course she wants you to chase her.  Those w/BPD will go to great lengths to get your attention, in order to assuage their fear of abandonment.  Unfortunately, it's all a form of manipulation, so review the F-O-G as necessary.  Lucky Jim

[santa]

I'm sure it's a huge boost to their ego to feel like they can have you any time they want you. Being "chased" is pretty flattering.

Toying with you is just another way for them to be cruel to you. I'm sure they take great pleasure in it.

[eclectic]

well I have not chased her, just like when she ended the first time, it was difficult, but I was not going to contact her, she contacted me, she probably wasn't hung up on the fact that I didn't contact her, but knowing her I'm sure she wanted to know why i wasn't trying to contact her.  I remember while dating her, she always told me how guys she have dated wouldn't leave her alone, and this one guy she told me, how much he stalks her and she can't get away from him, sometimes they let truth slip out, and she said once, I haven't heard from him in a month I wonder why he hasn't tried to contact me, I can tell it bothered her that he had not, then not long after that, I did catch her laughing and talking with him on the phone, and my guess is she contacted him, to get him back on the hook, and is probably doing the same with me, if she has someone new in her life. 

[Moonie75]

They're children. Many/most children want what they cant' have.

You chase & you chase them away because they know you're there, they can have you when they're ready to take you out of the toy box for a while.

Take the toy away & they come looking for it because they're scared of anyone else getting to play with it. They're a selfish child to boot!


My ex always said being chased, chased her away.

[strikeforce]

Mine used to go on about guys stalking her as well. Used to phone me up at 2 am walking home telling me she was being followed. It used to keep me awake worrying about her. I gave her a good telling off that night for walking herself so late.

Turns out the whole stalking thing was made up fantasy and possibly done to keep me on edge worrying.

Your probably not hearing from her because she is off with another ex of hers that she contacted out of the blue. Its how they work.

[strikeforce]

IMO the same rule applies to BPDs as well as Non BPDs.

You chase after someone then you push them away.

Act like you couldn't care less and they come after you.

[Tincup]

I am choosing to look at things this way with my ex.  If I walked down the street and saw a really pretty, fun, attractive hand grenade.  I pick it up, take it home and two weeks later it blows up and I lose my arm... . Next time I see a pretty, fun, attractive hand grenade I will just let it be... .

They want you to chase them, but it will blow up in your face just like every other time you played the game with her... In my case I picked up that grenade at least 8-10 times before I learned.

[BorisAcusio]

IMO the same rule applies to BPDs as well as Non BPDs.

You chase after someone then you push them away.

Act like you couldn't care less and they come after you.

At the beginning of the relationship, it definiately works but I wonder if it later won't trigger their abandonment issues which is the core of the whole BPD thing.

[Turkish]

Of course she wants you to chase her.  Those w/BPD will go to great lengths to get your attention, in order to assuage their fear of abandonment.  Unfortunately, it's all a form of manipulation, so review the F-O-G as necessary.  Lucky Jim

Yeah. I liken mine's affair to a great big BPD tantrum. Unfortunately, it backfired. I technically ended it when she was still deciding whether to stay or leave while carrying on the endless texting and emailing, even if she physically stopped seeing the dude for a couple of weeks. Enough!

Previous to this, she [later] said I was supposed to ask why she was sleeping on the couch (even though I did), and invite her back to bed (I said she could come back when she was ready when I was probably supposed to pick her up like a caveman and carry her back, seriously)

[growing_wings]

Ecclectic... . i understand your position... . and yes, like all of the others have expressed... indeed she wants you to think about her, and chase her... . to then hit you back... . (sounds almost evil... .)

my ex sent me a few texts, showing her nice side... telling she understands me, that she has healed deeply, etc.etc... sadly, i did the mistake of replying back with a short line... . no emotion attached... .   she then says she is now in a state/place where she does not want to re-visit nor re-live past situations and wants to move on, so wishes me luck in all my life... .   ... . so... why did she text in the first place? no other reason than get into my mind again, and as soon as i gave in a tiny bit, she felt in power and discarded me straight away again... . (no nice side)... . i am glad you havent done my mistake and texted her back...

for me, i sort of like this, at least it just reinforces the point that she is BPD and soo unstable still... . no matter how "stable" she wants to appear... .   this pushes me away more and more, until i will really wont care a thing... . is the way i see my process i guess... .

best of luck and do not engage! i did a tiny bit and she slashed back... . they dont change...

[Happy1]

Yup, just to make sure you're in this state :

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vod9DL4IhBM

[myself]

Yes. It was a way to control an out of control r/s by keeping it off balance.

When I chased, she expressed anger about it. When I didn't, she expressed anger about it. Wanting me to chase and catch her, but also not chase or catch her.

When I pulled back, it was more like she charged at me than chased me.

[mitchell16]

[quote Turns out the whole stalking thing was made up fantasy and possibly done to keep me on edge worry[/quote]


yep, Mine did this and then used it as a way to say i was to possive, and controlling. To give an example. Mine had surgery, not extremly health threating but still it serious surgery. about 10 days after surgery she had went back to work and I had to go out of town on business. I called her that night as usualy. she complains that she is very dizzy, light headed and was feeling like she was going to pass out and she was havng a hard time rembering things and she just didnt feel well in general when telling me this she also said this feeling has been ongoing since surgery. said she was going to take a hot bath and see if she was would feel better. said she would call me back when she got out of bath. two hours later I get a little concerned since I havent heard from her. I call her phone and no answer. I figure she still in bath and she didnt hear the call. I wait about 45 minutes and still no call back. So i call again. NO answer. Now im starting to get worried. I wait 15 minutes and call back, no answer. I call again about 10 minutes after that. still no answwer. I send her a text telling her if she is ok she needs to let me know cause im fixing to call the local police dept. to check on her. Im fearing she had a stroke or something and she lives alone without any family around her at all. She texts back immedialtly and says she is on the phone and she would call. when she does call she is pissed and says i was ridiulous and that I was just to controlling and possive. she said my concern was crazy and I was just to hyperviglante and hung up on me. later when she told the story she said I called her 15 times in 30 minitues which wasnt even close to the truth.

I find they do love you to chase just so they can reject you. That was  my experience. When I went silent with her, she would call and text like crazy until I answered and then she would pour on all the right words and then when I said something like are we getting back together she would say what made you think that I was just sharing my feelings, I dont want back with you. and then i wouldnt hear from her for a weeks.

[Perfidy]

Only way I'd chase her is with a stick