still fighting

[arn131arn]

Another day went by and still feel like I'm being strung along with the child custody arrangements. I set a boundry, a deadline. I need something by next wednesday. I also mentioned that my attorney can prove my whereabouts the night the harrassing letter was delivered. I told him the next "false allegation" sent by their side would mean a court appearance in front of a judge for slander. Her dad told me her mother had a nervous breakdown bc of all of this. GREAT! Now my son is being watched by a lady who is even more emotionally unavailable! I feel more empowered everytime I talk to her dad. I know I am fighting. Fighting for my son... . next wednesday, guys/gals... . next wednesday.

[Mutt]

Arn, might I suggest posting on the legal board? There are members with very sage advise and that have come out of the other side of this with experience?

I believe that my uBPD exe's family is a narcisistic family, but it's out of my control. Whay I can control is being a "super dad" when my kids are with me, offer them emotional stability and be a rock for them. That's my two cents.

[Turkish]

Mutt is right, Arn. Get to the legal board. Keep a journal if you haven't already. Start it as far back as you can remember, with dates. Use your old posts to help you remember. Keep us posted. Those in laws have no legal right to your kid. Fight the good fight!

[arn131arn]

I got to see him tonight. First time since x mas day.  My sister went to his game with my mother.  I had to work a little but got off around 8 pm.  My sister was not taking no for an answer, and got him to me for a few hours this evening.  My ex never showed up for the game.

My ex has been "pawning" him off nightly to her mother while she shacks up with her sugar daddy.  Seeing him after 3 weeks triggered me.  He told my sister that he slept by my ex's mother's (grandma) house the night before.  I assume her and the millionaire went to the mega mansion on the coast for an extended holiday vacay.

There are some things that are bothering that I could please use some help on:

1.) While we were together, she enmeshed him.  She would always do stuff with him and her.  It was ALL about my son, and I felt very excluded, uncomfortable with their relatinship at times.  I mentioned before always showering together/sleeping together.  She would always play it off that she was over protective and had the world around her thinking the same thing , as well.  Which she would say was a "good quality".

Now, she is neglecting him for another man.  I know my son MUST be feeling the same way I have with the withdrawing and maybe devaluing?  Can someone help me understand how a BPD woman can so love her son so much, yet leave him every night and deprive him of his father?  He was soo excited to see me, we kissed, hugged, and I even asked him if he would like to stay over by daddy's sometimes... . He said "Yes."

Is it normal for a BPD mother to withdraw from her own son to try and make a relationship work?  I don't know any woman who would sell their kids down the river for a dollar! Not one.  Is she this desperate?  The excuse her family is giving my sn is that mommy works far away.  I think  if my son would have met this man, he would have said something.  We don't ask him anything, he's 7 and voluntarily offers it... . LOL.  I'm sure he would have said something tonight if that was the case.  But I know he must be feeling abandoned by his mother, just as Ihave felt so many times in the past.

Can anyone help me process this?

Also, I get home tonight.  I checked the mail.  Her church counselor sent another bill.  She hasn't gone back to counseling since Dec 17... . A week after she met my replacement... . problem solved?

Please help, ya'll... . really need it

[Turkish]

Arn, she might view him as a posession, little more. It seems twisted to us, but that little unconditional love magnet is a strong attraction. I hope you get at least majority custody. Not to scare you, but you might want to start reading up on emotional or civert incest. I fear a little f the with mine, who is more high function in than yours. I have a friend since high school, 25 years, and I am sure this is what happened to him. Also with my X. It is something we need to educate ourselves on to protect our kids. Also to be careful to not do it ourselves... . things will getbetter, Arn, they will, once you get this custody issue codified.

[broken3]

Arn,

Without a doubt!

They are either all in with one relationship. Or all out.

My stbxw only did around 15% of court ordered visitation with the kids.

Then when the boyfriend broke it off. Voila.!

She now does around 60%. And the onslaught of alienation has begun.

Document everything.

[Mutt]

Arn, she's not dealing with reality right now. She's busy with her fantasy. Everyone else is secondary to her but mirroring the new object and making herself feel whole. I have 3 kids with ex and she has one from a previous r/s and she puts the kids on everyone else but herself. I strongly suggest to get a lawyer. Consultations are usually 30 minutes free. Right of first refusal is your wife will have to ask you if your available first, over sitters, daycare etc... . My wife did the same to me. She put the kids on everyone else but me. I'm not an expert (Legal Board) but I think she kept them at bay, because she's worried about what I would say to the kids about her.

[arn131arn]

This is so saddening to me. Does anyone have any experience if this will effect her mentally? By knowing she is all out of the RS with my son now it concerns me about him being a risk of abuse

[Mutt]

This is so saddening to me. Does anyone have any experience if this will effect her mentally? By knowing she is all out of the RS with my son now it concerns me about him being a risk of abuse

That's why you need to take the focus off of HER. You need to focus on your SON.

Get an L. Get 50/50 custody and be there for HIM and create a safe and stable environment.

[Turkish]

This is so saddening to me. Does anyone have any experience if this will effect her mentally? By knowing she is all out of the RS with my son now it concerns me about him being a risk of abuse

That's why you need to take the focus off of HER. You need to focus on your SON.

Get an L. Get 50/50 custody and be there for HIM and create a safe and stable environment.

Arn,  have you talked with your lawyer in how feasible it would be too fight for majority custody?  Agreed with  Mutt.  focus on your son. I  know it's hard to deal with both issues,  but there will be no " justice"  for you or any of us in a  similar situation in regard to our  Exes and their childish  romances.  Fight for justice for your son.  you can't control what happens in that house,  but when you get him,  that is where the real work begins.  we have to be superdads.  No one here has any doubts that you will be.  You already are.

[arn131arn]

U guys are right. Thank u. I think I will getting him 2 days a week and every other weekend. I think when this irons out, it will be a big leap in my recovery

[Turkish]

U guys are right. Thank u. I think I will getting him 2 days a week and every other weekend. I think when this irons out, it will be a big leap in my recovery

That's all? Stupid courts... . that is awesome though. Document the heck out of everything, and keep that journal. You may be able to more later depending on her lack of stability, but at least this is a huge first step!

[Mutt]

U guys are right. Thank u. I think I will getting him 2 days a week and every other weekend. I think when this irons out, it will be a big leap in my recovery

Your welcome.

I'd recommend getting more time through an L. Try to get majority as Turkish said or at least 50/50. It's going to be beneficial for your son if there is one parent that is emotionally/mentally stable. As tough as things are with a break-up / custody get this done legally on paper, this is your son's future. I can't stress that enough.

My ex dragged the kids into her fantasy and can't empathise or sympathise for their emotional needs.

3 weeks after she left, the replacement started living with her and my kids. The kids are seeing a stranger sleep with mom.

Replacement is going to the movies, laser-tag, camping, out-of-town trips in hotels, wedding on his side of the family all within the first few months of separation.  These are the things that I know about.  Wait until the new object triggers her and the rages start or she starts fleeing from him due to engulfment/abandonment fears and the kids go through what they did last year all over again. I'm fearful for what their going to go through, but I can control MY time and teach them morales/ethics and be a rock for them.

All the while, dad is told you get the kids every second weekend and "if" I behave I'll get them more.

I can't control any of that. What I did do is I tried doing a separation agreement, she didn't want to. I then tried to do mediation, she didn't want to do that either. I tried every peaceful approach, until finally it was time for me to take control and take it to family court. She did not want to deal with reality and is not putting the kids first. I've managed to get 50/50 finally, had I not done what I did, I'd regret it

You are concerned about the effect that she is going to have on him after separation. You have an effect on him too. Have a positive nurturing effect to balance the stressful, emotionally unstable ones from the ex.

Look up Bill Eddy on divorcing a PD and custody www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Turk. I appreciate it. It is, indeed, better than 2 hours/week. Or nothing at all. I have a question. Do u think since I've gone NC with her, this is the last thing she is trying to do to control me? Even when she is in another RS?

[Turkish]

 thanks,  Mutt.  That is great stuff and a wise post.  how for the best,  but plan for the worst. Arn,  plan for the best and don't give up.  this is just a first step.

Yes,  she is controlling you,  but your concern will be her controlling her "possession,"  your son.

[Mutt]

Thanks, Turk. I appreciate it. It is, indeed, better than 2 hours/week. Or nothing at all. I have a question. Do u think since I've gone NC with her, this is the last thing she is trying to do to control me? Even when she is in another RS?

Arn, that's inconsequential when it comes to your kid.

FIGHT!

Fight for your kids right to have a r/s w/ dad.

Focus on him.

[Turkish]

<deleted double post>

[arn131arn]

I am fighting. I guess trying to understand crazy is just plain crazy

[Mutt]

Another day went by and still feel like I'm being strung along with the child custody arrangements. I set a boundry, a deadline. I need something by next wednesday. I also mentioned that my attorney can prove my whereabouts the night the harrassing letter was delivered. I told him the next "false allegation" sent by their side would mean a court appearance in front of a judge for slander. Her dad told me her mother had a nervous breakdown bc of all of this. GREAT! Now my son is being watched by a lady who is even more emotionally unavailable! I feel more empowered everytime I talk to her dad. I know I am fighting. Fighting for my son... . next wednesday, guys/gals... . next wednesday.

My apoligies Arn. I don't think your crazy but I do read enmeshment. I thought that you were negotiating through FIL through previous posts and I just caught in the OP you have an attorney.  I was in the same place, worrying about the ex but I put up firm boundaries and shifted my focus on my kids. Your at a different place and I was in the same place. 

Good luck on Wednesday,

[arn131arn]

Mutt, the attorney is my backup plan. I have been speaking to him while I have been talking to her dad