Meeting friends of ex at an event soon. Do I reveal the truth about her?

[Jl7723]

Hey guys I need your help. It's been about 9 months since I broke up with uexBPD gf and now I'm going to an event that will have some of her friends there. They clearly have heard a warped and untrue story about me when I was painted black and to make her look like the victim. So I was wondering, should I talk to them and tell them what really happened? They would be utterly shocked if I did. Also, the way she used to hate them at times for very minor incidents.

I would really like to tell them the truth, not to be bitter and vindictive, but because I generally am concerned about her. I feel she needs friends that know how she truly is underneath. That said, I guess I also would like people to know the truth and what she did to me.

I just don't know if I will achieve anything. In fact, I could just look bitter and twisted and the weirdo myself!

What do I do guys?

Many thanks

[Pretty Woman]

Do not say anything. Be polite and friendly and completely unaffected. 

If you say anything it will only piss your ex off more and she will use it against you and spin it another way.

Who cares what her friends think?

Seriously.  Don't do it.  Trust me.  I talked to one ex and it was like I contacted all of them.

Nothing good will come of it.

[Jl7723]

Thanks, I think you could be right. Keeping your own dignity is much better. Although  I'm not sure what I'm going to say to this friend. It could be quite awkward... .

[Pretty Woman]

Only as awkward as you make it.

If you make eye contact across the room nod and acknowledge don't be over the top and just be calm and collected. 

My exes friends are my friends.  What I learned is none of them, even some friends I met through her have a problem with me.  They even comment and like my Facebook posts about exes (funny posts not stuff I've written).  If anything they will be uncomfortable. 

Don't give them anything to feel uncomfortable about.  If you try to explain anything you come across as being a stalker or someone who cannot get over their ex and it only reinforces what your ex painted you as. 

Smile, be kind and unaffected.  I know this isn't easy but please do not try to explain anything. It only makes it worse and again, who cares what they think.  Your real friends know the truth. 

[love4meNOTu]

First of all, you've done nothing wrong.

So you have nothing to be ashamed of. My friends and family know the truth, and when my exhwBPD tried to badmouth me to them, they just became disgusted by him.

My ex really tried to hurt all of my relationships, but he was not successful. As far as mutual friends go, we only have one, and she's clearly with me, because she's seen him be very, very ugly.

As far as the friends are concerned, they will probably never see that side of her and would not understand it. So the best thing to do is just let it be. If they are smart they will eventually see her for what she is. If they aren't they will get hurt.

Take the high road, just hurts to rehash that crap anyway.

L

[LilMissSunshine]

Don't give them anything to feel uncomfortable about.  If you try to explain anything you come across as being a stalker or someone who cannot get over their ex and it only reinforces what your ex painted you as. 

Smile, be kind and unaffected.  I know this isn't easy but please do not try to explain anything. It only makes it worse and again, who cares what they think.  Your real friends know the truth. 

I completely agree with PW.

While at this "event" put your best foot forward.  Doll up real nice; look gorgeous.  Be happy and social.  That's the msg you want to portray    This is a chance for you to shine.

[irishmarmot]

I agree with everyone about not mentioning anything and it is also a good idea to reflect on your own motives also.  Self reflection is one the gifts I have been given by my expwBPD.  Understanding why I stayed with when she abused me.  I also realize that I abused her emotionally also.  I was upset and defensive when my T first pointed this out but have now come to accept it.  I will ask for her forgiveness if the opportunity ever presents itself.   Tough to swallow at first but this will help me be a better partner in my next relationship.

[Jl7723]

Thanks guys, you've all really helped. I think you're all right. I'll just be thick-skinned and not bring anything up. I won't ignore them either. I think this is the only way for them to realise that maybe the things she said might not be true.

[Moonie75]

NO!

[seeking balance]

I just don't know if I will achieve anything. In fact, I could just look bitter and twisted and the weirdo myself!

From my experience and many I have read here - this is exactly what will happen... . her twisted story will look true!

Be you, have fun - with time, folks tend to realize 2 sides to all stories.

Cheers

[Moonie75]

My dad says there's always three sides!

Your version, their version, and the truth!

[letmeout]

In my own experience, it is best not to even mention the ex. Most people will not bring the subject up; I think because deep inside, they have already guessed the truth.

How can they deal with the fact their friend or relative has put you through an emotional meat grinder!

[myself]

First of all, you've done nothing wrong.

Many of us present ourselves here as an   when we do have some   in us.

We brought our   into the r/s. Facing this will help us have less   in the future.

I would really like to tell them the truth

Approaching them may seem defensive. If someone asks, speak your truth.

Your story is your story. It is what it is. No need to keep it buried.

We need to be ourselves more than worry how it looks to friends of our ex's.

Be you, have fun

[CoasterRider]

Keep your mouth shut, most friends are only friends in the sense the enable each others behavior. My ex's friends just want to goof around drink to much and feel young again. They dont really have each others best interest in mind. Otherwise they would stop enabling each other.

They are only going to share what you said with your ex who is going to use it as more evidence to justify why she left. YOU will be made to be the one who is delusional and has problems.

[Clearmind]

Meeting friends of ex at an event soon. Do I reveal the truth about her?

If you think about it in the reverse: Your ex is meeting your friends at an event soon - how would you feel if she revealed the "truth" (truth as she sees it) about you?

Exercising emotional maturity (i.e. using the appropriate level of emotional expession and control) at times like this will place you in a better light. Folks generally don't appreciate gossip - be the bigger person. They didn't live through your relationship so will not get it.

hit_

Enjoy yourself and try not to be preoccupied with her

[Mutt]

They clearly have heard a warped and untrue story about me when I was painted black and to make her look like the victim. So I was wondering, should I talk to them and tell them what really happened?

Might I add.

Birds of a feather flocks together.

Water seeks it's own level.

Don't bother.

I lost ALL mutual friends through her smear campaign and painting black. Not one of them was smart enough to ask the other side of the story. The bigger the lie, the more gullible they are. I treated all of them with respect and is if they were my own longtime friends. It hurt, but I'm above that.

Her smearing and distortion belongs to her. I don't own that and I'm not going to take it on.

[Perfidy]

There is an old saying that I've heard a few times: it's better to let them think that you're an idiot than it is to open your mouth and confirm it. Let them think what they want in other words. I don't think you're an idiot, it's just how the saying goes.

[Mutt]

There is an old saying that I've heard a few times: it's better to let them think that you're an idiot than it is to open your mouth and confirm it. Let them think what they want in other words. I don't think you're an idiot, it's just how the saying goes.

I've never heard that before Perdify but I'm going to use it.

[Jl7723]

Thank you for all of your posts. Clear mind you're absolutely right, it would look really bad if I told them the truth. It would be just a weapon against me and make me look like the nutcase. And it's true that a lot of her friends probably are solely self interested in their relationship with her. They really wouldn't see my view as it is as they didn't go through what I went through. They wouldn't understand.

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do now.

[Mutt]

Thank you for all of your posts. Clear mind you're absolutely right, it would look really bad if I told them the truth. It would be just a weapon against me and make me look like the nutcase. And it's true that a lot of her friends probably are solely self interested in their relationship with her. They really wouldn't see my view as it is as they didn't go through what I went through. They wouldn't understand.

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do now.

Wise choice.