struggling today, big time

[LosingIt2]

I find myself really disappointed in my BPDgf at the moment. However, when it happens I'm even more disappointed in myself for being deluded enough to be surprised by her disappointing behavior.

Some of our deeper, and definitively unresolved issues have been arising lately. The issues that involve me trying to learn to trust her again and wanting to TALK about our problems. Instead, I have been reverting back to some of my maladaptive ways of communicating by becoming angry and accusatory. I think I do this because it is so easy to forget what I am dealing with. That is, a woman who is not suddenly all better and has some serious destructive patterns that stem from enmeshment and abandonment fears. Yet, even when I am trying my hardest to attempt to work through our personal problems, it feels like there is a moratorium on the heart of the subject matter because when we are arguing or she feels threatened by me she comes back with she has too much on her plate and she can't afford to chose between her or me "right now". Things aren't dire at the moment, but she subtly pushes me away and of course my worry is she will abandon me again because she can't handle me feelings.

The most hurtful and frustrating component to this is when she tells me we are not where we were 100% yet; as in I am not a priority. I think she's too oblivious to realize that's what she is saying, but that's what I hear. I don't know how to heal if she doesn't make us a priority. I'm at the point right now that I feel like I am walking on egg shells and if I let my frustration get the best of me then the whole relationship falls apart. I'm trying to tell myself today that Rome wasn't built in a day, and unfortunately it's proven to be much easier to destroy Rome in a day. I just need some encouragement and to remind myself that I volunteered to be with her again, and I knew I'd have to be patient and remember that her issues aren't going away in a day. I want to focus on the good things and not repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Does that sound reasonable?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LosingIt2]

Oh man... . she just called me and said some seriously nice things. Not to be pathetic and so easily influenced. I suppose she addressed my concerns and was very giving in that sense. This is what I mean, she is making improvements. It's so hard for me to be appreciative of those gestures and not get bogged down by all the past trauma. Loving one another isn't in question, I just question my resolve and will at times and I don't want to ruin the progress we are making because of my occasionally displaced insecurities. I'd like to give her a fair shot.

[bryanskipp1]

Try and hang on to the good times when I start to get annoyed at my wife I remember how she is on the phone to my step mum crying in fear of losing me due to pushing me away It helps me a lot because it helps me remember that even though she may be telling me to leave that she doesn't really mean it and that she does love me good luck pal!

[LosingIt2]

Thank you friend. It always helps knowing others can relate. Good luck to you too. I'm sure your wife will come around, I know it isn't easy. Figuring some things out on here can be really helpful.

[bryanskipp1]

Sometimes knowing that its not just your partner that is doing something or making you feel a certain way definatly helps