SO TEMPTED AGAIN EVEN KNOWING THE PAIN

[outside9x]

Hi

I am not new to What a BPD person can do to us.  I am in my early 60's , came out of a 30 Plus  yr marriage not by choice, and then met this sensual, & attractive girl, who as we all know is usually the rule.  We dated and talked seriously about moving in.  We dated over 2 years with of course multiple break ups.   I was her shinning knight in armor, and my ex wife was so stupid to throw me away as she would say...   I am young for my age and very active, and she, was a couple of years younger.  Perfect I thought!  She had done many things to herself to make herself attractive through multiple surgeries etc. 

I zoomed pass all the red flags, engaged 4 times, divorced 3, hated her father, mother had mental problems, doesn't get along and has nothing to do with her brothers, & sisters, and the whole family, only had 1 friend when I met her, and she ejected her over something stupid but of course it was always about being betrayed or being DISSED, in her mind. 

Yes, I loved her (or lusted)  and the 1st 9 months I saw some crazy actions but not against me, but then that happened, and even during the most romantic times, out of the blue, she would rage over small things, or things never said or done.  I know now these are due to abandonment issues from childhood etc, but still I was always on the defensive.  Then she would return to a loving, no make that adoring person, then bam! and things like screaming and punching me while driving and running out of the car would happen.  I mean totally crazy.  I didn't yell etc.  She would never admit fault or take blame.  Once I left her for 2 months and then came back n things were fine for a bout 2 weeks and then accusations started to fly, another surgery, then raging etc, then acting like nothing happen.

Finally, I left for good (I hope) after I caught her on a dating site and I asked her nicely to remove herself.  She didn't,  saying I can't tell her what do to, even though we were committed, etc.  I mean I knew at this point, well, about 9 mths ago, I was dealing with a BPD, but didn't really understand it.  Also, I know n there is something with in me also that may me stay etc, and to be truthful, a lot had to do with the physical attributes etc. 

So, I left for good.  We contact each other here and there and she wanted me back, and a few times I said yes, then called her to say no, fearing the punishment I would take.  I also started to see this wonderful women, my age, who is pretty, normal, and now in love with me, and I think I am love with her.  She is sweet, loves her family, hard working, fun and smart. 

The problem is 2 months ago, I unblocked my BPD, and she contacted  me, and I melted, she told me, for the 1st time, that she was not only sorry, but realizes she treated me bad, and like crap, and it was all her fault.  This is so VERY unusual for as BPD.  So I relented to meet her, but after a few hours and talking to a few friends I let her down again n called her on the phone, though she kept on insisting I will not stand her up this time, but I finally told her ,the truth , well sort of, that for one, I am in a commitment relationship, and two, I was very afraid to go back to her.  After 10 minutes of her trying to convince me she was the evil one, and it will not happen and she doesn't know why she drove me away, I finally said goodbye.  I never told her I think she BPD. 

The problem, since I am  committed in a relationship I felt like hit.  BUt now I am wondering has she finally figured it out?  I mean, I don't think she can be cured, but if she could accept treatment, and if I could just learn to look at attacks and figure them out, and if I could not take those as being personal even though hurtful, maybe we could work it.  Sounds good on paper.  But I remember she is 61, not 36.  She probably been this way for years, and years.  Though she is smart and strong willed, she hasn't changed.

The women I am with is good looking, funny, non drinker and helps me, and soft spoken and no problems.  Making love is not a problem but I was so sexually attracted to my BPD, and the pull in other ways is incredible.  It's like I don't know how to appreciate this wonderful women who has come in to my life, and thinking my obsession is going to ruin a wonderful chance at life by thinking things like, maybe I can take punishment, and walk away when it happens, and she correct herself etc, but even this doesn't make sense to me.

Plus all my friends adore my new Girlfriend, they tell me she is pretty, and kind etc.  They also tell me to stay away from the other and to Call them if I think I will.  But I feel sad at times.  I was so wild about her, maybe feel so alive.  But I knew I never could be myself and of course walking on eggshells.  It so sad.

I feel insane, hopefully this kinda normal (I HOPE!) since we only been broken up 8 months, or am I playing the hopeless romantic that's in pain, and yet have this wonderful women that most guys would dream of I don't want to hurt her, nor give her up because I am like thinking like some drug addict, that convinces himself he needs it even though time after time, its been a brutal experience.   

I feel like I am going crazy I truthful advise.  Though I know after 6-7 breakups never changed anything before except this time she admitted it was her.

Thanks

[NoCRV]

Hey Outside9x,

Well you know how the story ends with the BPD as for the new woman it seems to have a lot of potential.  It seems like the new woman can provide you love which the BPD would not be able to reciprocate.  I would say block her again.  The reason she may have said sorry was because it's going to be harder to lure you back to her after six or seven break ups.  Just my two cents from a fellow recovering BPD addict.

Be Strong

[irishmarmot]

You can go back a hundred times but the result will be the same!

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi outside, im sorry to hear your conflicted, its a long hard road when you love somebody with BPD, heres a post that really shocked me into reality, im not sure how to link it but

Go to the searchbox at the top of this page

Type in Gulfstream graduates

Gulfstream used to post here back in the day, turns out he is an MD who treats pwBPD, and was also sucked into the BPD vortex, its a sobering read but it made me ask many questions about what I want, and how long I was willing to tolerate the rollercoaster... .

All the best:)

[outside9x]

Thanks everyone for the replies, very helpful, and yes, my new girlfriend is great.  I just took her to a family event, and she looked beautiful and was so talkative to all my cousins, they were impressed with how easy she mingled in and how she handle her self.  I was so proud just to be with her. 

Funny, I never could understand why a heroin addict would want to shoot up, knowing the devastation it causes to him/herself, and everyone around, and watching people die around them and yet, they do it.  Well, now I sort see the same bad habit and can understand it better, not that its right, but that its so addictive, and affects something in the brain that you crave, even though you know its very bad for you.  So to save myself, I must block her again.  It isn't cruel, it's now like sealing yourself off from a very harmful virus that you r body has no way to fight off, until you get stronger again.

Thanks

[santa]

Thanks everyone for the replies, very helpful, and yes, my new girlfriend is great.  I just took her to a family event, and she looked beautiful and was so talkative to all my cousins, they were impressed with how easy she mingled in and how she handle her self.  I was so proud just to be with her. 

Funny, I never could understand why a heroin addict would want to shoot up, knowing the devastation it causes to him/herself, and everyone around, and watching people die around them and yet, they do it.  Well, now I sort see the same bad habit and can understand it better, not that its right, but that its so addictive, and affects something in the brain that you crave, even though you know its very bad for you.  So to save myself, I must block her again.  It isn't cruel, it's now like sealing yourself off from a very harmful virus that you r body has no way to fight off, until you get stronger again.

Thanks

You make a great point.

I don't crave my ex anymore, but when I did, I knew that a relationship with her was the worst thing for me, but I still wanted to do it. It was foolish. You can't really see how ridiculous your thinking was until you've detached though.

[Ironmanrises]

Reread any of the accounts on here regarding recycling/re-engaging. They almost all have one common outcome. PwBPD either leaves again/and or forces the non to leave. Usually the former though. That should easily dispel any notion you may think you have of believing what she was telling you. Because what is truly scary is, her apology for her awful treatment of you is very real; that is, until you allow her back in, and trigger day is reached. Other side of her fragmented self is summoned forth. And the apology once spoken, ceases to exist post trigger day. Still sound enticing to you?

[Moonie75]

I'm with Ironman on this!

It's all REAL! The genuine desire to redeem herself & show you she can love like you can!

Until it isn't! Then something else is REAL! The hate! You can't have white without black!



You liken it (quite understandably) to drug addiction.

Jimi Hendrix sung "Excuse me while I kiss the sky"! And then Ole Jimi bit the dust!

Emotionally, we can 'kiss the sky' as many times as we choose! That's what recycles are for!

But we'll spend less & less time 'kissing the sky' with more & more time eating dirt & biting dust!



Equilibrium my friend!

Their love will be equaled by their hate.

Our hi's will be equaled by our lows.

I'm done pickin dirt out of my teeth. Someone else can kiss the sky with her now!

[Learning_curve74]

 outside9x, I'm glad you came on here and shared. It sounds like your writing things out has helped clarify some things in your mind.

The heightened emotions you experienced, both up and down, created a strong psychological connection to your exgf. That connection is not the same as the one that is organically growing between you and your current gf, your brain is simply missing whatever biochemical reactions that you experienced while dating crazy, which is a GOOD thing! Your description comparing BPD relationship to drug addiction is very apt.

It sounds like you are choosing to be healthy which leads to true happiness instead of drama and heartbreak. 

[outside9x]

Hi Ironman,

I think you nailed it.  I was thinking she truly believes in her apology, and that's the kicker, she truly does and means it, but what happens to us non-BPD people is we forget because its hard to comprehend or we refuse to believe that their sickness controls them that much and it will unleashed once again, and she feel betrayed not loved, or you haven't done enough. They are unable to uncontrolled it for long, and that's always is the hard part for us  to Understand that.

But you pointed that out quite well, and I need to print this out when I get weak, because that will happen I fear. Because our minds bends to a person who is truly sorry, who we think a wonderful life might be, but... .they are no more in control of it, then we do the weather.  Extremely sad but that is the very harsh reality.

I am happy with my girlfriend, and will be much happy and can give my all, once I finally drop all the chains that this has on me, but I think it will.  I been thru several break ups with the I love you, do leave me , only to get nailed again.  Thanks everyone for your support the words and the logical and many of you have suffered through this.  Thanks so so much for your kind support.  It means a lot! 

[Tausk]

Hi Ironman,

I think you nailed it.  I was thinking she truly believes in her apology, and that's the kicker, she truly does and means it, but what happens to us non-BPD people is we forget because its hard to comprehend or we refuse to believe that their sickness controls them that much and it will unleashed once again, and she feel betrayed not loved, or you haven't done enough. They are unable to uncontrolled it for long, and that's always is the hard part for us  to Understand that.

Yes this was very hard for me as well.  In part because my ex really did feel the shame.  And really did want to change.  But did not have the capacity for change.

It's not she wouldn't change, she couldn't.

People wBPD, feel shame but not guilt. Shame for who they are, but not guilt for their actions.  A subtle but world of difference.  It means that in effect, they cannot ever really change.  It's guilt that causes a person to self-reflect and change.  A pwBPD has very little of this capacity.  Think about what ever really changed with your ex?  Name any long lasting changes that were promised and then executed.

Example:  A traumatized three year old steals a cookies and you scold her.  The three year old feels shame, and says that she won't take another cookie.  And at the moment, she is telling the truth.  But she does not have the executive function in the hardware to actually not take the cookie the next time she is alone in the kitchen.

She doesn't have the capacity to overcome her feelings that she wants the cookie.  So she is scolded, and you the scolder, becomes the most abusive punishing person in the world.

So she feels more shame, and swears that she won't do it again and at that moment believes every word, BECAUSE AT THAT MOMENT THE PWBPD IS TELLING THE TRUTH.  They just don't have the ability to keep to their words. But then also need to rationalize their actions in order to survive the shame.

Sorry if the above is convoluted, but it helped me.

I can't listen to any of the words.  I had to look at the actions.  That's the only thing that count here.  And as I began to understand, I had to radically accept that nothing was ever going to change.  My traumatize three year old with BPD was going to steal the cookie (cheat on me) and no matter how much shame she felt, and no matter what she said, it wasn't going to change.

So radical acceptance of the Disorder allowed me to decide to either accept the cheating or move on.