This whole "friends" crap, is just that...

[State85]

This whole being “friends” thing is a bunch of crap. My exgf has been wearing me out about remaining friends. Will not take no for an answer. But thinking about this, I really doubt she even wants to be a friend….or what I would consider a friend. I believe she, and probably all other pwBPD, just want to “have” you, not necessarily “want” to be your friend. They cannot accept someone not wanting to be a friend to them or being in their life in some capacity, and only want you there for when they need something, for example as a backup.

I finally just said o.k. just to get her to stop texting. Once I did that, she stops contacting me. Got what she wanted. Got me on a hook again.

Before anyone says it, I know I shouldn’t have broken NC. I couldn’t resist when she texted me to getting some things off my chest…... that was about a waste of time for me.

I, for one, will not be a part of her gallery of enabling friends. I will not be part of her trophy room of ex’s which she cannot let go of any of them.

Back to NC…….she’s got plenty of friends, I guess……...

[Pretty Woman]

She wants to continue to control you even if she doesn't want you.

They are like that.

If you read my recent posts (which I know you do, friend) my ex all of a sudden is sending me "accidental" emails and unblocking me on FB. She is curious why I am not chasing her. Where is Pretty Woman? Oh shyt, could she be OK without me... . WOW what am I going to do?

Several people have made the comment on here... . If they were awful to you as a partner/spouse how can you expect any different as a friend? Friends don't pull this shyt on you. It seems like you grasp this concept.

So being friends only keeps you engaged with a toxic person and hurts YOU. Would you really want your ex leaning on you when things aren't working with their next victim?

We are all worth more than that.

Just ignore. Do not play the game. Ok so you replied and see what happened? Don't reply again.

Game Over.

[seeking balance]

I finally just said o.k. just to get her to stop texting. Once I did that, she stops contacting me. Got what she wanted. Got me on a hook again.

Didn't you get what you wanted too?  IF you want NC and this simple "o.k." did it - heck, that's not so bad is it?

This is one of those times my T would remind me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?"  Her perceived control right now is giving you the ability to be happy - can you let yourself be sad and frustrated for a bit, but see this for what it is... . your key to happiness.  

No need for any further contact on your part and when she comes around again, stay bland, boring... .

[Perfidy]

State don't whip yourself... . That's her job. Remember? Sounds like you just needed to do a little more research. Sounds like you are figuring out one of the best things that you can. You're figuring out what you want. NC is possibly the only way to complete the decision process. Take your time. Ask your self what you want. You're getting there.

[State85]

She wants to continue to control you even if she doesn't want you.

They are like that.

If you read my recent posts (which I know you do, friend) my ex all of a sudden is sending me "accidental" emails and unblocking me on FB. She is curious why I am not chasing her. Where is Pretty Woman? Oh shyt, could she be OK without me... . WOW what am I going to do?

Several people have made the comment on here... . If they were awful to you as a partner/spouse how can you expect any different as a friend? Friends don't pull this shyt on you. It seems like you grasp this concept.

So being friends only keeps you engaged with a toxic person and hurts YOU. Would you really want your ex leaning on you when things aren't working with their next victim?

We are all worth more than that.

Just ignore. Do not play the game. Ok so you replied and see what happened? Don't reply again.

Game Over.

Thanks Pretty Woman... . ya its a control thing. I slipped, broke NC... . gotta get back on the NC wagon again... . Sometimes when this happens, it just reaffirms why I am not with her... .

[State85]

I finally just said o.k. just to get her to stop texting. Once I did that, she stops contacting me. Got what she wanted. Got me on a hook again.

Didn't you get what you wanted too?  IF you want NC and this simple "o.k." did it - heck, that's not so bad is it?

Nah, that simple "o.k." won't last long... . she'll be back, and I'll be silent.

Thanks

[seeking balance]

I finally just said o.k. just to get her to stop texting. Once I did that, she stops contacting me. Got what she wanted. Got me on a hook again.

Didn't you get what you wanted too?  IF you want NC and this simple "o.k." did it - heck, that's not so bad is it?

Nah, that simple "o.k." won't last long... . she'll be back, and I'll be silent.

Thanks

yes, she will be back - and silence this time might do the trick.

If you must respond, keep it boring - one word.  Eventually the lack of emotional response will not "fill" whatever need she was searching.

[DreamGirl]

I think it's probably more about you feeling used?

You're learning to value yourself more then what the relationship allowed... . and you feel like you let yourself down.

Been there. Done that.

I, for one, will not be a part of her gallery of enabling friends. I will not be part of her trophy room of ex’s which she cannot let go of any of them.

Back to NC…….she’s got plenty of friends, I guess……...

I've grown to be pretty picky about who I let into my circle of friends. (Not acquaintances, but friends) It's not so much about their toxicity levels as it is about how much energy I'm willing to expend to someone who might not have the capability to bring anything to what my idea of what friendship actually is. I'm a recovering co-dependent martyr so I often sought out those where I could feel validation by rescuing them into recognizing my worth. It never really worked out very well. It often left everyone involved pretty resentful.  

I also don't know how sound my advice is being that I've realized that a lot of the needy people in my life lost their stock with my shift in self worth and it's left me with but just a handful of friends.  

Is this person someone who gives nickels to a friendship/relationship but expects you to give quarters?

Is this person someone who has the capability to care about you?

Is this person someone who can appreciate your values and respect your boundaries - even if they don't necessarily agree?

I'm thinking probably no to all of the above.

I also think it's OK to express that with your silence or by simply stating that you think it's best if you take a break before you want to ever visit the friend issue.

I also think seeking balance has it right in saying that if you got what you wanted, it doesn't matter the path to get there. If she wants to "win" by saying that you're still friends? So be it. As long as you find your own peace on your healing path.

I think the crappy people that we've allowed in our life are just a catalyst to wanting to change. I've learned to value myself and with that learned how to protect myself in my values (with boundaries). Accepting them for who they are and walking away valuing their purpose. No more, no less.

~DG

[State85]

Dreamgirl

"used" you are correct... . that's exactly how I feel when she attempts the friendship issue.

[Madison66]

State,

Again, I think there are similarities between our situations.  About a week after I broke it off with my uBPD/NPD ex gf, I ran into her at the coffee place at the end our street (we live on the same damn street!).  She stated to me that "me and my kids are not right for you" and that "I love you but will get over that quickly, but we can be friends and good neighbors".  I didn't say anything and just walked away, and have maintained n/c ever since (30 days).  She then tried to charm me once since, but again I maintained n/c.  Similar to your situation, it felt like she was attempting to maintain control by declaring the terms of our future r/s.  That also leaves the door open for contact and future charming.  I'm not going to participate in any of that, and have actually walked the other way when I've seen her and her kids on my street.  So, she can think whatever she wants and I have full control of how I will live my life.  N/c is the only way for me to go.  I hope things can go smooth for you to heal and move on to waaaaaaaaay better things in life!

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex wanted to be 'friends' after I left her too, for a couple of reasons I think.  One, her BPD-ness wanted to keep the attachment, because we had a good one for a time, and why lose that?  Also, she really did like me a lot and liked talking to me, and realized on some level that it was at its best when we were just friends getting to know each other (i.e. not triggered), and I gotta admit I liked it a lot too, so keeping that but avoiding the crazy by keeping an emotional distance was the best of both worlds.  She was hurt when it ended too.  Well, for me there's no going back, the abuse happened, the infidelity happened, there's no erasing that, and someone who treats me that way is not qualified to be my friend. 

[State85]

State,

Again, I think there are similarities between our situations.  About a week after I broke it off with my uBPD/NPD ex gf, I ran into her at the coffee place at the end our street (we live on the same damn street!).  She stated to me that "me and my kids are not right for you" and that "I love you but will get over that quickly, but we can be friends and good neighbors".  I didn't say anything and just walked away, and have maintained n/c ever since (30 days).  She then tried to charm me once since, but again I maintained n/c.  Similar to your situation, it felt like she was attempting to maintain control by declaring the terms of our future r/s.  That also leaves the door open for contact and future charming.  I'm not going to participate in any of that, and have actually walked the other way when I've seen her and her kids on my street.  So, she can think whatever she wants and I have full control of how I will live my life.  N/c is the only way for me to go.  I hope things can go smooth for you to heal and move on to waaaaaaaaay better things in life!

Ya I think we were posting on another thread with similar circumstances, re kids. You are correct, by wanting to be friends they want to maintain control of whatever the r/s is or was. And mine was declaring how it should be. Since this last friend attempt and my respone being a "o.k." just to shut her up, she has been silent... . obviously feels she got what she wanted at this point, thinks I'm just sitting around waiting for her to text her "friend".

Not gonna happen... .

[bewildered2]

does she have any real friends?

b2

[MrConfused]

I finally just said o.k. just to get her to stop texting. Once I did that, she stops contacting me. Got what she wanted. Got me on a hook again.

haha, had that. Got exactly that.

just want to “have” you, not necessarily “want” to be your friend.

Yup. You can have "just friends" relationships with other ex's and it actually be friendship. Not with a BPD, it just doesn't work as they NEVER ACT like a friend would.

[Murbay]

State85, you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. In some respects it's like quitting smoking and sometimes you don't succeed first time around. Maybe part of you is still holding out for hope and asking yourself "what if", maybe you do need to go through the process of a recycle to see the outcome.

People can only offer advice and there is no better advice than on this site from people who have been there, done that and had setbacks along the way. At the end of the day, you have to decide what you want and where you need to be. Your health and wellbeing is far more valuable than anything else and if you can already see the trouble coming and feel that frustration again, then that may answer your own statement.

You are 100% correct about becoming the bait again and by giving her a response, you let her know you are there. That's perhaps the reason why everything went quiet again afterwards. The advice my T gave me when I was tempted to respond was "Just remember how you felt at the very end of the releationship. Remember those emotions and the feelings you had to work through" unless they are well on the road to recovery and very self aware, it will only stir up those same feelings and emotions again.

You can have "just friends" relationships with other ex's and it actually be friendship.

Having this issue with my BPDgf because I'm friends with my ex. We were young, spent several years together and have 2 children, it just didn't work out for us but we both moved on and remain friends because we have a connection. BPDgf hates it to the point of telling me nobody remains friends with their ex, only anger and resentment will do like she is with her ex.

[State85]

does she have any real friends?

b2

Not real sure. She does have friends that I've met. But I believe they are more enablers than anything.

[santa]

I told my ex there's no f'ing way I'd want to be her friend.

If we could be friends, we'd still be together. The whole "lets be friends" thing is garbage. If I were looking for a new friend, it sure as hell wouldn't be someone who made me miserable for the better part of 3 1/2 years. 

[myself]

My ex adds not still being friends to the list of what's wrong with me.

It's the list of unfriendly things she did to me that makes us not friends.

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex adds not still being friends to the list of what's wrong with me.

It's the list of unfriendly things she did to me that makes us not friends.

"Friends" has a whole nuther meaning from inside the pathology.

[Murbay]

I'm slowly beginning to find a paradox in all of this, especially from my BPDgf recently.

Apparently it's ok to be friends with your ex if she is has BPD (according to them) but they certainly don't like you being friends with previous exes. Something my BPDgf said to me a few weeks ago kind of explains it. I'm friends with my daughters mother (non BPD), I'm also friends with her partner too. We have a common interest in our daughter and it's little things too, such as when my exgf's boyfriend posts pictures of my daughter on facebook, he tags me in the pictures. We work as a team with a common interest. My BPDgf hates it because she fears if I loved my ex once I might do again, run off and leave her.

It seems to be because they believe we think like them and that we recycle. If I can be friends with my ex and she believes I might go back to her, then the abandonment does not exist. So if a pwBPD is your friend, that opportunity extends to them too and alleviates their abandonment fears.

My exBPDw, regadless of the nastiness, craziness and drama. Regardless of the fact it was her who ended the marriage. Her last words to me were that one day we could be like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, find each other in the future and get married again. She skipped the friend part and was already making plans for a future wedding. Now that's twisted logic