I don't bother anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know, strange title, but I don't know how else to summarize.

I had replied to a topic about vacations, and realized I've been taking that route in almost all BPD-related dealings with my wife.  With vacations, she cannot handle any surprises, uncertainties, vague details, etc... everything has to be planned, but she leaves that all up to me- because then when something goes wrong, and it always goes wrong... . She can blame me.  The problem is that even if I plan everything carefully, and use tact to get her involved in the planning, she will then create a fantasy-world ideal of how things will go, and the moment one thing doesn't live up to her incredibly high standards, she will melt down and then the whole vacation is miserable.  This is what I consider to be a double-edged sword, there is no win, there is no happy vacation possible. 

For that reason, I no longer plan any trips of any kind.  We just don't take them.  It's too much of a price to pay, and the whole idea is to go somewhere and relax, and it's always the opposite effect.  I tend to flock to work as my getaway ... . it's the least stressful and most peaceful part of my life.

So, the real reason of this post is that I realized that I've taken the same attitude towards sex with her.  We went through a lot of frustrations a few years ago where she would get angry with me, and even not speak to me for days, if I didn't do everything start to finish exactly how she "imagined" it should be.  Not only that, but there's no script for me to cheat from either... I am supposed to be able to mind-read and know exactly what mood she was in, and how she wanted it.  She is a sexual person, and therefore likes many different types of sex.  Because of this, I failed a lot back in the day.

So at some point, I just gave up.  Stopped trying.  She never initiated anyways.  Well all that changed a year or two ago, she started initiating more, at first by throwing subtle hints at me, which I pretended not to notice, and then she started coming on stronger.  We've only done it 4-5 times in the last 3-4 years, and frankly, I don't want to anymore.  It's so much WORK to deal with her, and it's always all about her, and my enjoyment is only considered as an afterthought, as if she thinks I'm just there to get off and that only takes a couple of minutes to accomplish... so it always ends up being me pleasing her for an hour or two, then her "finishing me off" when she's done.

No wonder I avoid it.  I can DIY it myself and save a couple of hours.

She wants me to have sex tonight and I don't even know if I can "perform" anymore, because the thought of the whole act just makes me want to run away.

It could be different... if only she were more giving... more spontaneous (yeah, that's a 4-letter word to a BPD)... and less expecting of perfection, I probably wouldn't be avoiding it, but as it stands, sex used to lead to huge fights more often than not.  I guess even though she has lightened up a bit about it, I'm still scarred from it all.

Any advice?

[Kabooma]

I know, strange title, but I don't know how else to summarize.

I had replied to a topic about vacations, and realized I've been taking that route in almost all BPD-related dealings with my wife.  With vacations, she cannot handle any surprises, uncertainties, vague details, etc... everything has to be planned, but she leaves that all up to me- because then when something goes wrong, and it always goes wrong... . She can blame me.  The problem is that even if I plan everything carefully, and use tact to get her involved in the planning, she will then create a fantasy-world ideal of how things will go, and the moment one thing doesn't live up to her incredibly high standards, she will melt down and then the whole vacation is miserable.  This is what I consider to be a double-edged sword, there is no win, there is no happy vacation possible. 

For that reason, I no longer plan any trips of any kind.  We just don't take them.  It's too much of a price to pay, and the whole idea is to go somewhere and relax, and it's always the opposite effect.  I tend to flock to work as my getaway ... . it's the least stressful and most peaceful part of my life.

So, the real reason of this post is that I realized that I've taken the same attitude towards sex with her.  We went through a lot of frustrations a few years ago where she would get angry with me, and even not speak to me for days, if I didn't do everything start to finish exactly how she "imagined" it should be.  Not only that, but there's no script for me to cheat from either... I am supposed to be able to mind-read and know exactly what mood she was in, and how she wanted it.  She is a sexual person, and therefore likes many different types of sex.  Because of this, I failed a lot back in the day.

So at some point, I just gave up.  Stopped trying.  She never initiated anyways.  Well all that changed a year or two ago, she started initiating more, at first by throwing subtle hints at me, which I pretended not to notice, and then she started coming on stronger.  We've only done it 4-5 times in the last 3-4 years, and frankly, I don't want to anymore.  It's so much WORK to deal with her, and it's always all about her, and my enjoyment is only considered as an afterthought, as if she thinks I'm just there to get off and that only takes a couple of minutes to accomplish... so it always ends up being me pleasing her for an hour or two, then her "finishing me off" when she's done.

No wonder I avoid it.  I can DIY it myself and save a couple of hours.

She wants me to have sex tonight and I don't even know if I can "perform" anymore, because the thought of the whole act just makes me want to run away.

It could be different... if only she were more giving... more spontaneous (yeah, that's a 4-letter word to a BPD)... and less expecting of perfection, I probably wouldn't be avoiding it, but as it stands, sex used to lead to huge fights more often than not.  I guess even though she has lightened up a bit about it, I'm still scarred from it all.

Any advice?

[Seneca]

dude... . the vacations. too many miserable trips. yes - will take no part in planning, will b^&ch at what a lousy job you did though. i decided no more trips. taking the kids on a mommy and us trip for february recess... . he ain't invited. 

the sex thing. ugh, not relating on that other than i don't want it anymore because i can't "get it up" for someone who treats me like this. it'd be an act, and that's unfair to both of us. i know it seems unfair to him, but i am done protecting him at the expense of me. so i set that boundary - no more physical stuff. we will live like friends. if ya don't like it, there's the door. that is either a celebrated or maligned stance round these forums, depends on who you ask. but it's what i gotta do for me. i suggest you do what you need to for YOU as well. i have no doubt you've done quite enough for HER.