Tough to know what to do

[guitarguy09]

 

So this is my current situation. My uBPD wife is very much at odds with my parents and my sisters, so basically the whole family. She has emailed them many times when she has felt upset and basically each time made the situation worse. The latest is that she has cut them off from us entirely, although I do speak with them sometimes when I'm at work. She refuses to get individual therapy, because even if it would help, I would "always hold it over her head". She has agreed to get some marriage counseling for us (which hopefully will happen, she doesn't have the best track record of following through), which I think will help as we can work out some of our issues with the help of a third party non-biased source.

Back over to my family. They are basically at the point of not wanting to see her anymore, but my parents and especially my dad are very angry about the emails that she still sends out on occasion. She also is on my facebook from time to time, and removed my mom as a friend last weekend. She friended me and I accepted, and I emailed her telling her to stay under the radar on facebook because my wife was on there sometimes on my phone (uploading pictures, and she doesn't have her own account because she deleted it). My dad called me and complained loudly that my mom "couldn't even like my statuses or pictures" without being under the radar, and he just can't seem to comprehend anyone who would keep writing all those emails to them.

I want to tell her that I still want a relationship with my family, but we have two trips coming up in the next two months, one with my aunt and uncle that that would threaten to derail. My dad invited me over to celebrate his birthday this upcoming weekend but we already had plans so I unfortunately can't go. I am just dreading the day where I actually bring up my relationship with my parents to her and how I still want that to take place. And she will only let our son see them "over her dead body". I tried explaining how it would be best if everyone could get together and apologize at the same time for past issues, then agree on a way to treat my uBPDw going forward, but he wasn't very open to that. It just kills me that there doesn't seem to be a way to reunite the family. And to top it off, they are not going to even have her over or talk to her until she gets several months of counseling.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[KateCat]

I want to tell her that I still want a relationship with my family [ . . . ].

Hi, guitarguy:

While I am not a "Staying Board" type person, I just wanted to respond briefly to say that this board is the perfect place to get some advice on how to approach this issue.

What I can say with some conviction is that this will be important to do, and do sooner rather than later. I say this because I am a long-time learner on this forum and have read many a post from a husband/partner who has in fact lost his relationship with his own father, mother, brothers, sisters. At least one unfortunate fellow reported that he had missed his father's funeral because of his wife's position--seemingly similar to the present attitude of your wife--that sustained contact with his family was an "over her dead body" matter.

Hopefully some of the male veterans of this board will be around soon to give you concrete steps about how to take back control of this most important part of your life. Everyone will benefit when you do . . . even if you have to endure some "extinction bursts" of dysregulated behavior from your wife on the road to change.

In the meantime, any and all reading you can do of the "Lessons" section of this forum will give you good foundational grounding to prepare for the work ahead. Best of luck!

[an0ught]

I want to tell her that I still want a relationship with my family [ . . . ].

Hello guitarguy,

excellent plan ... . if and only if you would be in a normal relationship. In a relationship with a pwBPD this approach may well be futile and even worse fuel conflict after conflict.

A boundary inspired view of the situation would be: It is boundary for you that you do not let BPDw interfere with your family relationship. It is her perfect right (although not polite) to ignore your part of the family. Her side. But it is also your perfect right to have a relationship with your family on your side. It is your right! She has no say in it! You may tell her when you need to coordinate but she is not asked. While she may - within time and reasonable volume limits - voice her opinion and express her frustration, suspicion and abandonment - you do no have to take it into account at all. She may abandon you for not abandoning your family - but that is her problem. You may respect her dislike for your family and may choose to not trigger her and hold your relationship with the family in her face. I would be careful to hide too much as secrets (especially those who are known by others in the family) drive suspicion and may cause damage when surfacing.

You may or may not be ready for standing behind that boundary and may need to adjust it to your particular situation. That is ok and maybe you need to practice boundaries with some less explosive. In the end however clear boundaries will help to reduce conflicts in this often difficult area.

[guitarguy09]

KateCat - Thanks for your response. I appreciate your insight and what it might look like long-term if I don't confront this issue. As the months pass by, I am reminded every day that my wife and my family are at odds, and a little guilty for not seeing them at the moment. I am reading more and more of the Lessons, and it is very insightful as to why pwBPD feel the way they do and what they feel like in general.

an0ught - Thanks for your response as well. I can see how I was kind of looking at it from a non-BPD relationship POV. And I can definitely tell why this may cause conflict instead of putting up boundaries. I think I might just work on some less intensive boundaries at first, and go from there. So far I'm not hiding much from her besides for maintaining some email contact with my family through my work email, and I also sent my niece a birthday card, even though obviously my wife was heavily against even acknowledging birthdays.

Here's an interesting twist on the situation though. If I can get my parents and my sisters to agree to meet, my wife will apologize if they do, and then she is willing to resume the relationship. I wish I could explain properly to my dad (who is a fairly straight-laced guy) that she has a disorder and doesn't make decisions always based in logic. I tried to explain to him the other day how everything she does is reactionary and she just wants to feel wanted, included and unconditionally loved. But he sees it as she just wants to make them miserable.

Sigh. 

[KateCat]

You're approaching this with real thought and care for all the parties involved.  Some of us take a long time to even begin to get the hang of the Lessons offered here, but you are already on your way.

[guitarguy09]

You're approaching this with real thought and care for all the parties involved.  Some of us take a long time to even begin to get the hang of the Lessons offered here, but you are already on your way.

Thanks KateCat, I appreciate that. It is amazing how much just timing of things (telling her something when she has cooled down for instance) can affect everything.

This weekend was good as we did not really talk over the family situation. She is definitely a high functioning BP, so if those issues don't come up she usually does just fine. It's a reminder of how much I love her and why I stay with her. We truly do have more good times than bad. Obviously the bad times are very challenging though.

Another update (from last week), now she is mad at my friend who we were planning on visiting next month for even suggesting that I can maintain a good relationship with my family. She automatically assumes he's on their side. He wrote us a very nice email detailing his view of the situation (he has had a lot of experience with family situations), and she won't even read it because he's "on their side." And she has basically cancelled our trip. I haven't told him she's cancelled yet, but if I can work it out it would still be nice to go visit him myself. I could have just not told her I talked to him, but next month when we went to his house, we probably would have discussed it with him and his wife. His wife has had a lot of similar past hurts as my wife has, however the big difference is that she has taken the time to do group and individual counseling.