Unhelpful comments

[peppersnap]

I'm aware that I've become very isolated over the last few years. I'm a single parent of three so my life is already quite busy and lonely. As my dd's condition has deteriorated I've stopped inviting friends over because she didn't like them, or just was stressed out having them in the house. Now I'm realising that it might be because she has BPD (she is undx as yet) and found it overwhelming.

I've been trying to reach out to friends and trusted family. However I'm getting really fed up with some of the comments people come out with. So far I've heard:

'you should just ignore it'

'I was speaking to someone and they said suicide is really rare with BPD so don't worry'

'you just have to be tougher and give her more boundaries'

'you have to move to the countryside and lock her up in a remote house then she can't harm herself'

'take her out of school if it's stressing her and sit around and read books aloud to her like when she was a baby'

'it's your responsiblity to stop her killing herself and so you have to drop everything else and just make sure that there is no way she can kill herself'

'she is not like those people you're describing with BPD - she's a good girl'

'stop looking for family patterns you are projecting your stuff onto her.'

I know people feel helpless and they want to say something - anything - that will help. But really do they think any of the above is helpful? (apart from saying suicide is rare - that's just inaccurate).

How do you cope with comments such as these?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

hi Peppersnap

I think many of us have been on the receiving end of such comments. 

I have also isolated myself over the years bec it is so hard to have friends over the house, never knowing what my DSBPD26 will do or say.  he has actually done some crazy stuff in front of company, so over the years, I have really limited who is invited to my house. 

I guess I would say to try to limit your sharing to people who are going to be able to understand and be helpful.  there are very few people in my life who I can really speak to, but one of my best friends is a social worker and she gets it for the most part.  I also tend to gravitate toward friendships with people who are going thru some sort of difficulty in their own relationships.  even if they are not dealing with BPD, they sometimes understand better how hard it is it be in a relationship with a difficult person. 

I have never really been able to get thru to people who are judgmental and who think they know better than others.  those people are not really interested in being helpful, they are more interested in telling you how much they know.

[lever.]

We have probably all been on the receiving end of unhelpful comments. Some of them are made in good faith by people who are trying to be helpful but don't understand. I have had a lot about being firmer and having more boundaries. I think sometimes friends feel sorry for me and tell me to show her I won't be messed about. Other times people just like to feel a bit superior (competitive parenting). I think the answer is just to inform yourself by reading and looking at the information on here. I have one friend who "gets it" and try not to say too much to others. Starting to post on here has been a bit of a release. Valerie Porr's book is good. I had been going against my instincts and following unhelpful advice. She set me on a different track. Wish I had had this information sooner.

[Thursday]

peppersnap-

Bless their hearts, people will say anything when they have no idea what to say. Most people would be better off just listening... .

If you are feeling isolated and lonely, do something (anything) that isn't about your relationship with your daughter and/or BPD. Getting away from all of it for a bit can only help and imagine something that is just for you, something you like. How can that not help you feel better, a little bit refreshed, stronger, more like the authentic YOU?

You can always get back to the 24/7 worry after you've indulged in a break.

No advice as to what you might want to do/experience but I know for sure, it does help get one's mind off of those well meaning but clueless commentators.

thursday

[peppersnap]

Thanks all

And thanks Thursday, that's excellent advice. I think I'm in danger of feeling like I'm only 'allowed' to enjoy myself once I've 'solved' my dd's problems. Obviously that's not healthy.

I wish there was a little card we could hand out; something along the lines of 'You may be uncomfortable hearing about mental health issues. Relax! It's not your job to advise, warn or solve my problems. You can just listen, nod and treat it as normal life. Which it is, for me.'

[Rapt Reader]

And I think I'm in danger of feeling like I'm only 'allowed' to enjoy myself once I've 'solved' my dd's problems. Obviously that's not healthy.

I wish there was a little card we could hand out; something along the lines of 'You may be uncomfortable hearing about mental health issues. Relax! It's not your job to advise, warn or solve my problems. You can just listen, nod and treat it as normal life. Which it is, for me.'

I think that Thursday's advice is excellent, too... . And peppersnap, you are very perceptive 

I believe that I have always felt that I wasn't allowed to enjoy myself until my son's problems were figured out and solved (even if it wasn't me who did that!). And that little card you want to hand out? Perfect

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I have heard a lot of similiar comments myself about my dd21.  Even from my own parents - but now they get it, or at least my mother does.  My sister is a MSW so she gets it too.  My husband (her stepdad) only got it after I made him take the Family Connections Class through neaBPD.com. 

When you want to talk about your frustrations, experiences, or just plain vent - do it here, or do it with people you know accept mental illness for what it is.

Thursday is so right with her advice.  I NEVER made time for myself.  Now my daughter has moved several thousand miles away to escape the situations she caused for herself here - so she more or less forced me to focus on me in a way.  Thank God because the stress of it all really does take a toll.  Two years ago I was healthy, now I'm overweight, high cholesterol and prediabetic.  But within the last couple of weeks I've been able to get back on track and hopefully I can turn it all around.

Talk to people here who understand your situation.  Journaling might also be something to try, you can vent all you want.

[MammaMia]

Oh yes, we have all heard those negative comments... . made by well-meaning people who did not have a clue as to what they were talking about.  I finally just gave up trying to explain my dBPDs's behavior.

Yes, we tend to avoid those people after a while, and that is ok.  They just add more stress to an already frustrating situation. 

I agree that we need to stick with others who really understand BPD.  That is just one reason this site is so valuable.  It allows us to share with others who do not judge us and who can accept and support us.

Everyone needs someone.  We need each other.