Sorry is the Easiest Word

[Perez]

Our 25 year marriage has been marked by a constant drama of fights and apologies.  The apologies have been my responsibility for  the entire marriage.  Basically without repeated apologies from me, there is no reconciliation.  I have told my wife often that my doing 99% of the apologizing is not healthy, it has no effect.   I found myself saying I am sorry just to get out of the bad place and move our relationship forward.  I hated lying to myself by apologizing for many issues that were neither my fault or not of a serious nature. 

I remember watching a video on marriage once where it stated that if the man apologizes, the woman naturally drops her defenses and  wants to reconcile.  I thought to myself, what planet do I live on, if only we had the trust to accept a simple apology and reconcile.  That did not happen for me, only after repeated apologies would I obtain a grudging "forgiveness", rarely with "It was my fault too" from my wife.

Anyway, I decided to change this behavior a few months back. My wife told that she would speak to me until I apologized for a specific list of marital issues she had cataloged that I had not made progress on over the past few months.  I told her I was done with this type of ultimatum.  I would not apologize nor argue with her for not meeting her expectations.  I knew that carried a risk of a major rupture.  Sure enough she has painted me black for over four months now, refusing any type of touch, sleeping in separate rooms, with lots of anger and disrespectful behavior.

Should I just continue to stick to my guns?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

I can only speak from my own ten years of experience living with a now- dBPD. Prior to her diagnosis last year, wow – really tough life and some of it detailed exactly the same behavior and responses you’re experiencing.

It comes down to how well or poorly you want to live with your spouse. It was always my observation that “Sorry” to my wife meant nothing more than “Sorry if you don’t like it, but * you.” It is difficult, especially when they firmly believe in their minds their feelings are real and validated that they don’t deserve to apologize  for what they deem ‘wrong’ in their lives or relationships. Their feelings and perceptions, although hard to understand and sometimes totally offbeat are real to them. More often than not there is some shred of substantiation to how they feel and why they feel that way if you really dig deep into the situation. More often than not it takes two to tango.

Depends if you need the validation of being “right” or not in this situation and how much you’re willing to allow your relationship to disintegrate to collect the merit badge. In my case, knowing now what I didn’t know then you’re in a bad situation. If my wife deemed our relationship so bad and unvalidated that she’d disassociate entirely, but stay in the same house – you could guarantee that she’s validating her assumptions of you being wrong outside the house. And that’s a devastating place to be. Most of us think “She’d never do that” or “My wife wouldn’t do that to me” but they aren’t playing with the same deck, nor do they justify their actions in the same way we do.

It’s a lot of work to validate some women’s needs to feel comfortable in a relationship. Constant reminders of loving them and why, not only in words but in thoughtful little actions: emails thinking about them, flowers, cards and constant verbal and physical affirmation will go a lot further than holding out for merit badges on personal validation that really isn’t all that important considering it wouldn’t be sincere if you gained it. A hollow victory with such a darn high price to pay for it.

You have your own choices of course but in my experience I’ve learned that it’s difficult to come back out of the black hole and be whitewashed again. If you can manage that, and want to, I’d try to work harder at remembering that every minute of every day is what the job requires to keep a BPD wife knowing she’s safe, comforted and “where she should be – with her ‘rock’ that loves and protects her.” In her mind that should pretty-much be unconditional. Not easy to take sometimes and not always possible, but the reality of what you face if choose to stay in your relationship.

I’ve learned to listen well, use radical acceptance, validation and if I have to battle; choose them wisely and at the right time.

Totally up to you though. Knowing the two sides to this coin well, I choice the latter. The tails side of the coin can end up being such a desperately horrible place to even try and exist.

Wishing the best and and that you find a solution but sorry certaianly isn't the easiest word sometimes, sometimes it's the most difficult...

[elemental]

I am struggling with the same question.

My boyfriend refuses to apologize. I mean really apologize. His behavior, under any circumstances has been some of the most grotesquely emotional and mentally damaging behavior I have encountered in my life. Pure narcisssm. I have gotton upset at him considerably, vocalized it, and he gives me the silent treatment until I am literally begging and crying and apologizing for how offensive I was to complain or confront the way I did ( angry, tears, big upset, dont CHEAT On me stop LYING, I know you are gaslighting me, STOP STOP STOP). God I feel angry and stupid just thinking about how I have humiliated and destroyed my self esteem and emotional health by doing this.

We have had a recent series of conflicts. He used to run off completely, but these days more and more is staying around me, and I think hey we can talk normally, and I speak and am ignored. I had enough of that, and closed avenues of communication currently while I try and calm down and figure out ways to stay calm in the future.

All of that being said, I am literally cringeing at what type of begging and apologies it will take to jump start things. I was thinking like you. This time what if I just go about my business, the avenues of communication open, and I say NOTHING. Bet it will be a very long time before he speaks to me. And we live together. That is we live together, until there is an upset and he walks out and lives with his mom till I beg him back. Pretty awesome stuff for a 37 year old man.  

Boy, I am tired of being sorry.