Four months have passed since I went NC with my uBPD girlfriend. I was in complete apathy and was not able to write anything.
Now I just want to share first six months out of five years of my survival story. PS: I'm not an English speaker, sorry for the mistakes.
I remember the day when all started. It was November 2017. I had a good job, a bunch of friends and hobbies. I was full of energy and had a lot to offer. I was after a divorce but this did not affect me in any way - just put an end to the relationship that did not suit us both.
She was a slender brunette with a long flowing hair, subtle manners, elegantly dressed, not to mention her dazzling beauty.
We began to spend a lot of time together - usually met several times a week after work and had dinner together, we could stay up late into the night and until everything closed. She shared my passion for piano and dancing - we started to attend courses together.
It was a serene cloudless period, when everyone tried to make each other happy and even winter stopped being so cold next to her. I was sure I had found my perfect match and the same thing she said about me. I could not have expected what would follow.
One morning I texted to wish her a great day. What I got in response was a pure irrational rage. I was unable to get a single sentence out of her speech. I gently asked her to meet at a restaurant near her office to discuss her concerns. When I was there, I met a completely different person. Not the slightest trace of anger, the same loving look and smile. When I asked, what had just happened it looked like she wasn't comfortable talking about it. Such episodes repeated several more times during this period, but I did not attach importance to this attributing to stress.
As we became close, I began to feel a slight touch of lies and reservation. For any question about her past, she gave out a blank that seemed too well worked out and used many times to the point that she herself believed it. Her social media pages, messengers, phone and email were created no earlier than a couple of months ago. Rising questions about friends, family and work lead to obscure evasive answers. Phone was always on silent. I started to suspect that she was dating someone else but couldn't prove it and felt stupid because of it. Looking ahead a bit, I was right.
One day, the fit of anger recurred - she called and told me all sorts of hurtful things. I listened to her for a long time, until at one point I could not stand it. I replied that lately I feel you do not need me anymore. It is your turn to make at least a small effort to prove the opposite, if you wish. I ended the call.
We did not talk for a months. As it turned out, on the next day she has already settled in with her new boyfriend. He was good at keeping his personal boundaries and after a month, he refused to tolerate her behavior. He also said, “Stop putting your problems on my shoulders”. At this point she contacted me with a ping message.
I was happy with my own life but I still had feelings for her and couldn't refuse to meet. Of course, she didn't tell me she has someone else. Until one evening, I accidentally ran into them in the city. She snuggled up to him and seemed in love. I could not resist the temptation to approached them and pour out a little bit of sarcasm. Later she made me believe their relationship was already in its final phase so I decided to get her back. After a while, I offered her to move in with me and she agreed.
Instead of breaking up with him, she deceived him that she needed to go to her parents in another city. And she lied to me that she broke up with him. Moving in with me, she brought only one small bag of stuff leaving me to guess that all the other stuff was still in his apartment. It looked like anything but serious intentions.
She wanted to keep us both and see what would come of it. Fortunately for her, in this period, he had a long work related travel to other country and he was just unaware of their “breakup”
She managed to trick both of us by: a) telling us that her personal phone needs to be sent to repair services b) telling us that because of an argument with her manager she cannot take her work phone home anymore. This way she managed keep in touch with him while she was at office and avoid being called while she is at home with me.
I wanted to develop our relationship further and I was hurt that she was still keeping her stuff at his home. Next couple of months was like a war with a lot of classical gaslighting, denying and invalidating my feelings, my right to talk about my concerns etc. Finally, she gave up and moved the stuff.
I thought it was the beginning of our happy life but I was wrong. I began to sense more and more inconsistencies. One day I called her at work, said I missed her and waiting for her home. Asked not to go anywhere and come quickly home. She agreed and said she is going right home. But I was actually sitting in a café near her office and I saw how she went in a different direction and entered a residential building. That is how I figured out she is renting another apartment and even now I don’t know why. She never answered to my questions about it.
It was a trigger for another gaslighting war that continued for the next couple of months. But everything ends and she got rid of this apartment.
Then, after 6 months, our ‘happy’ borderline family is finally together and I’m anticipating a calm period. Sure, it was not the case.
After six months of dating, she suddenly decided that it’s time to tell me that she has a son and that she needs to go to him. Of course, she gave me half an hour's notice. I was driving home from work in anticipation of a romantic evening with her when she called me to say all this. At this point, she was already on her way to another city.
This was the beginning of a period of impulsive escapes. Every time I didn't know when she would leave, when she would come back and of course the outbursts of anger and emotional instability had nowhere to go. Every such escape was accompanied by pouring a ton of dirt on me, ignoring my calls, and when she still returned her phone was always reset to factory settings with all data erased. Many times, I found her in other cities. I spent a lot of money and time to find her every time. She never cared about it.
In addition, she began provoke me into anger, attacks on my identity, on my habits, my friends, hobbies, job, professional skills, beliefs and attempts to completely deprive me of the right to speak. If I remained calm and did not respond to her provocations, she was even more angry and shouted so that all the neighbors heard. If she managed to get me angry, this is a perfect excuse for her impulses: impulsive spending, impulsive sex, impulsive travel, impulsive whatever.
All my efforts to fix this relationship had a very little effect. Gifts, travels together, lots of entertainment, dancing, common interests.
Still there was some periods of idealization when everything was perfect. Usually 1-3 weeks in a months. But then everything comes again.
I have some kind of post traumatic amnesia for the next period. I will try to recall it soon. Somehow we managed to live together five years
