Is NC the only answer to detach from our BPD?

[growing_wings]

Hi all ,

I posted this question as Clearmind highlighted a very important point. Although i truly understand that establishing NC is critical to detach, for me, this alone is not enough to truly detach and let that person go. Staying NC without removing the "anxiety" element that comes with receiving the odd email or text or phone call is not working. Some of us can stay NC for weeks or months to then melt down when we hear from them.

I personally feel anxious about how i would respond next time she sends me a text. this is painful. I need to stop myself from doing that as i am at her disposition again, and she owns my emotions. I try to keep on with my life, but she is in the back of my mind, will she respond, will she contact? etc.etc.

For me, real detach will come from acknowledging that they are ill, and so do i, so therapy work on myself is part of the equation to detach. But i also have an urge to confirm that she is indeed disfunctional... . i only had 1 break up and have not been recycled yet, i left, therefore i feel the need to see her without the love glasses i used to wear, i want to see her behaviours without being in the FOG. this will give me the closure i need, which together with therapy and knowledge will allow me to detach.

any thoughts?

[mitchell16]

for me yes it was the only way. Ive been out of mine for almost 6 months. I never could stay out long, prior to this the best I could do was 6 weeks and then once about 2 months before we recycled. This time I went NC for about 2 or 3 months, I didnt respond when she pecked, later if she sent something I start to respond some. I needed that 2 or 3 months to gte my head togther and let it clear out. She has tried but Im feeling so much better that I couldnt imagine going back know. It was killing me staying in that mess. Not to say I dont still miss her teh good side of her that I new was there and I saw for about 6 to 8  weeks before she would become wholly hell to put up with for about two weeks and then She would break up and we would stay apart for 2 or 3 weeks and then start it again.

as far as observing their behvavior mine only showed her crazy behavior behind closed doors and while in a relationship. so I cna see you relaly observing thei behavior becaus ethe closness and the relationship are what triggers the behavior.

[Perfidy]

Growingwings... . When you grow those wings learn how to fly alone. I sincerely believe that your detachment cannot be aided by your former partner. The random indirect contact will not help you detach. The only way it helped me was hurt me. Maybe you are like me. i wallowed in some quality suffering brought by a horrible relationship. Focus on you and no one else. My suffering did not begin to abate until I placed my focus entirely on myself. Even then it takes time.

[Pretty Woman]

It takes two to re-engage.

I truly believe NC is the only way.

My ex and I recycled 6xs. She would cut all contact with me, block me, everything. And I was left with no closure.

This last time she REALLY blocked everything, for two months. Ironically reached out on the exact day that marked 2mo, with an accidental email... . oh sorry, this was from last year.

Whatever.

It's all games. Let me tell you friend, 2mo out with NC has helped me tremendously. If you can change your number do so. Block her on FB, get her email address to send to spam. Nothing helps when they contact you... . it just brings up mental garbage and they know that. You need to take the control back.

In the past, I would have responded to her email. No more. I didn't even hesitate to file that baby away (I am saving stuff because she had threatened a restraining order before... . I need backup). I am not allowing her to ruin my new life and what I am creating for myself.

You need to list all the shyt she did to you. I mean write it out and post it... . carry a copy in the iphone. When I think I almost lost my job over this person it's a true wake up call.

NC and a good therapist is the best medicine.

[Octoberfest]

It is difficult to resist when they reach out to you. For me the answer lay in blocking her number, her Facebook, and her email. This was as much to prevent me from reaching out as from her reaching out to me. I am nine months out, NC for 6 months (WOW!) and I still get the occasional "what if" thought about reaching out to her. Then I think and realize that, truly, nothing positive would come from it. 

[GreenMango]

No contact is great when the emotions are running so high that is fueling bad choices, lots of conflict, things are circular.

Alone it can't provide detachment. Detachment is a process that takes grieving and coming to acceptance.  So that if the person does send you a message or run into them you aren't at step one again. Relying on no contact solely is like avoidance-it will only get ya so far.

It's going to take time. Just like it took time to get invested is going to take time to divest yourself.  Having some solid replacement activities and spending some time focusing on your priorities can help. A plan helps.

The leaving lessons have some steps and if you check those which one do you think you are at now?

[seeking balance]

NC is a tool to gain balance - nothing more and nothing less.  As GM says, NC alone does not provide detachment or even closure... . this is a process over time.

I personally feel anxious about how i would respond next time she sends me a text. this is painful. I need to stop myself from doing that as i am at her disposition again, and she owns my emotions. I try to keep on with my life, but she is in the back of my mind, will she respond, will she contact? etc.etc.

This is good insight for you - right now, you might need NC so you can get to the point where you don't worry about whether she responds... . it is kinda like going on a diet, in the beginning eat healthy and avoid temptation - once new healthy patterns are established moderation is much easier to maintain.

For me, real detach will come from acknowledging that they are ill, and so do i, so therapy work on myself is part of the equation to detach. But i also have an urge to confirm that she is indeed disfunctional... . i only had 1 break up and have not been recycled yet, i left, therefore i feel the need to see her without the love glasses i used to wear, i want to see her behaviours without being in the FOG. this will give me the closure i need, which together with therapy and knowledge will allow me to detach.

any thoughts?

I had a deep needing that my ex was BPD - the reason, made me feel less responsible, less the "problem".  The truth is, it was a dysfunctional relationship from both sides - my boundaries were lacking, my patience was gone and I wasn't acting like me - when I focused on me, I was able to clearly see that my ex's behaviors were inconsistent (push/pull) and in no way healthy for a marriage... . BPD or not, that was a fact.

Schwing once posted to me - you lived it - you know if it was healthy (or something like that).

You left for a reason, right?  What was that reason?

[santa]

I think it is. It's pretty impossible to detach from the relationship when you're still talking to them all the time. No contact seems like the only way to do it.

[DivorcedNon]

If you do not have children with your BPD person strict NC is necessary for your own healing. NC is there to free us from hold that sick BPD person has over us. At some point we surrendered our personal power to our BPD person. By practising NC we reclaim that power. NC is all about boundaries. We alone decide who is in and who is out.

It happens so that after 20 months of strict and continuous NC with my ex BPD wife I had an accidental contact with her today. I was very busy at work and when the phone rang I answered it right away without recognizing the number. As soon as I realised who it was I hung up. Previously, I deleted her contact info on my phone so today I could not tell that she was one calling. After this phone call I associated another name with her phone #. It is not a nice name but good enough to warn me so that I do not answer the phone when/if she calls again. I do not know how to block specific phone numbers on my phone. Does anyone know how to do it?

During 20 months she called, emailed and texted me several times but I never answered the phone, I never listened to her voice mail messages and I deleted her emails and texts without opening them. I blocked her emails. However, I always check my Junk folder before deleting it. That is how I noticed her emails several times. Never read a single one.

Was I triggered? Absolutely not! I was annoyed more than anything. I cannot believe that she was once the "love of my life" Time is cure for everything even our own madness!

[Notthesame64]

I purposely moved 800 miles away to try to end this nightmare of a relationship.  It's been 1 year to date. I have seen him twice... had multiple unproductive textes and dozens of mind f'n emails.  I even went to the highest level of paying an extra 4.99 a month to have blocking ability on my phone.  But like a good little addict, I end my smart limits after 3 months, opening that line of communication.   Why would I expose my underbelly after going through all that trouble and allow that text that we all know makes us anxious with uncertainty, come through?  Because i'm still in love with a mental disorder... and until I realize that and embrace the fact that his health issues are out of my control... . I will always be in limbo.  I will never be able to move forward in MY productive life... . it's been a year and I can honestly say... being so far away, less contact... months without hearing from him has helped... I just need to wrap my brain around the fact ... it's a disorder, it's not my fault.  Ignore your past!

[Murbay]

I've been almost one year NC with my exBPDw. She raged at everyone that I was to never contact her again and I have respected her wishes. That has not stopped her emailing me every few weeks (over 10 this month alone) but I have not given in and responded.

She blocked me on facebook first but I blocked her e-mail address, changed my profile and locked it down so she has no way to recognise it's me even if she tries a fake profile. She has tried to contact me on LinkedIn, can't block her on there but ignore any messsages she sends through there. She has tried on skype, I've blocked her there, work e-mail also blocked and straight to archive on my home email. I used to read her messages in case they related to the girls but they never were. I archive them off because T said we might need to get a lawyer involved so these are all evidence. She has even gone as far as having exMIL send emails, contacting my family and befriending my other children.

In the beginning I went through feeling happy to recieve something from her, that turned to anxiety followed by anger and now looking at the whole picture, I pity her and just find it comical. It's a whole new level of crazy, especially when she was the one who demanded NC and tried to press false charges for stalking her 

[Notthesame64]

I feel like a fugitive on the run, trying to avoid the wrath of my ex BPD.  Dodging emails, textes, and phone calls either from his phone or phones he borrows to contact me.  Not only is it predictable, every few months to remind me he hasn't let go... but it's a emotional roller-coaster for me because there's no place to hide.  A 6 year running ordeal.

[Sleep doc]

My answer may not be the standard one to be honest.  I ended anything meaningful with mine about a year ago and by far the BEST move I have ever made.   I stated this before and it has been said on this board - NC is really for you, not for them.   It's to help you gain balance and perspective about yourself.  I have a friend who was great during the whole insanity with my ex and she and I were recently talking as she is going through a divorce and she stated that during that time she felt the one thing that was important to realize was everything was about "my personal journey".  It had nothing really to do with my BPD ex.  I grew up, I became better and I learned a lot about myself and what truly makes me happy on a personal level through this experience and therapy.  I'm actually only seeing my therapist once a month now, and life has gotten so much better that honestly I had forgotten my password into this site because it had been so long since I posted:).  My ex had reentered my life (she went in for surgery at my hospital and insisted that I take care of her, etc, etc) and what was odd was the only thing I really missed was how great my ego felt having her so psychotically need me to feel whole.  Isn't that sad?  I was truly apathetic to the rest.  I didn't miss the closeness, the sex, the things we did or talked about - that had all faded.  We caught up and her shenanigans are the same except I can read between the lines now.  She still screws with the lives of other people and is truly surprised that those people are shocked or angry about it.   She tries to leverage everything she can and every manipulation to get the object of her desire to be hers before she inevitably forces that person to go mad and cause resentment in all those around her.

You will get better I promise - how much better?  All up to you really.  Mine called me on new years day at 2:30 in the morning four straight times.  I could have picked it up, had her come over, started this process all over again - I just went to sleep.  It didn't matter to me.  I've seen her once and tacitly she has tried to engage me in starting things all over again.  I just talk to her, give her a hug, and go home.  I avoid every time she wants to get together on text by not even addressing it when asked.  Will she eventually get the hint?  Does it matter?  I remember the thought of her contacting me used to cause me significant anxiety, now it just causes me humor and apathy.  You can do limited contact but you have to be in a REALLY, REALLY good place or else you will fall into the same traps and get sucked into their insanity.  If NC feels right, then by all means stick with it.  It is you telling yourself that you need to heal.

[Notthesame64]

Sleep... .

I agree... healing ones self only makes you stronger.  I have a 6 year ordeal I'm trying very hard to over come.  I haven't dated for over two years, seen two therapists over the last 3 years, moved, disconnected and just worked on myself... However, my exBPD is very in my words-disturbed and will text me with horrible lies... like his father died to fish for any type of response he can get.  It's a battle of wits with each contact he makes, and for me, I need to ignore, ignore ignore... . it's hard to do when so many emotions are involved.

[growing_wings]

Growingwings... . When you grow those wings learn how to fly alone.

love this quote... thanks Perfidy... . i am printing this one, a good reminder.

[growing_wings]

You will get better I promise - how much better?  All up to you really. 

thanks Sleepdoc... . this gives me hope

[zsazsa]

I broke no contact after a year and a half.

I lived with it for 3 more years.

Not staying nc was the worst possible thing either of us could have done.

After the first year it went right down the dark hole.

Both of us would have been happier to have missed that show.

It's my biggest regret,  not only did it hurt me,  it hurt someone I really cared about a lot of pain.

I wish I had stayed NC...   I wouldn't be posting here had I not re engaged.

Don't do it.

[Notthesame64]

Don't do it.

Slow and steady wins the race... . I'm doing it one day at a time.