So, I'm here again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been away from this site for over two years.

In that time, I got back together with my ex, had two years or so of a relationship, had a child with her, and got married on New Years Eve 2013. Now, I'm scum, and she can't stand to be around me.

Not that there weren't signs that she was slipping away. No, but I had hope. I convinced myself that she wasn't "that way," that she just had a bad patch.

Sex stopped over a year ago, it was a surprise that she got pregnant with how infrequent it was. She drifted more and more, paying less attention to me, walking out of the room or doing something else when I was mid-sentence. No, it was all there, and I knew it, deep down. I just thought we could continue to work through it.

Then she went out to visit a friend and didn't come back until the next morning. No text. No call.

I was distraught, up all night trying to call/text her and the friend she said she was with. 

She and her friend were emphatic that they fell asleep watching a movie when they contacted me at 5 AM. I don't know, maybe that was true, but it didn't stop me from being suitably freaked out. I was upset, and got angry for one of the few times in our relationship. She wanted to go out a week later, and even though I was unhappy about it, after making a bit of a fuss, I decided to just let her go.

She didn't come home again until the next morning, this time with a new attitude about me. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that she can't stand being around me. Last time she up and vanished. This time she seems to think we can be roommates, as long as I stay out of her way, and she gets to stay away as much as possible. Either way, my son, who is 7 months old, really complicates matters.

I know that this is a cycle, and I know she may change her mind again in a week, a year, I don't know. I have few friends. I have a low paying job. I have no car.

I have a baby with a woman who may up and bolt at any time.

She took my son out to visit with friends, and she left in such a hurry that she left his bottles and food. She didn't respond to a text about it. I had to contact her friend, who said she would pass on the message. An hour later she said that she had, and my wife had food and such. I don't even know for sure she is where she said she would be.

I pleaded with her not to stay out all night with him, since I'm on the east coast, and an ice storm is expected tomorrow. She agreed, but it's nearly 4 am now. When she does show up I can't say much for fear she will do something really bad.

During our first breakup, she accused me of abuse and got a temporary restraining order.

I can't imagine that happening now.

I've held it together for days, with the baby around, but with him gone, I suddenly realize how hard this is going to be, and how much she can hurt me using the baby, if she chooses to. I'm am trying not to panic.

I am terribly lonely and afraid. She's not violent, she doesn't rage, but she spaces out and does self destructive things, and she's been known to fabricate things to get her way.

This is such a turnaround. I don't know what to expect next, and I have no idea what to do next.

[restoredsight]

I've been away from this site for over two years.

In that time, I got back together with my ex, had two years or so of a relationship, had a child with her, and got married on New Years Eve 2013. Now, I'm scum, and she can't stand to be around me.

Not that there weren't signs that she was slipping away. No, but I had hope. I convinced myself that she wasn't "that way," that she just had a bad patch.

Sex stopped over a year ago, it was a surprise that she got pregnant with how infrequent it was. She drifted more and more, paying less attention to me, walking out of the room or doing something else when I was mid-sentence. No, it was all there, and I knew it, deep down. I just thought we could continue to work through it.

Then she went out to visit a friend and didn't come back until the next morning. No text. No call.

I was distraught, up all night trying to call/text her and the friend she said she was with. 

She and her friend were emphatic that they fell asleep watching a movie when they contacted me at 5 AM. I don't know, maybe that was true, but it didn't stop me from being suitably freaked out. I was upset, and got angry for one of the few times in our relationship. She wanted to go out a week later, and even though I was unhappy about it, after making a bit of a fuss, I decided to just let her go.

She didn't come home again until the next morning, this time with a new attitude about me. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that she can't stand being around me. Last time she up and vanished. This time she seems to think we can be roommates, as long as I stay out of her way, and she gets to stay away as much as possible. Either way, my son, who is 7 months old, really complicates matters.

I know that this is a cycle, and I know she may change her mind again in a week, a year, I don't know. I have few friends. I have a low paying job. I have no car.

I have a baby with a woman who may up and bolt at any time.

She took my son out to visit with friends, and she left in such a hurry that she left his bottles and food. She didn't respond to a text about it. I had to contact her friend, who said she would pass on the message. An hour later she said that she had, and my wife had food and such. I don't even know for sure she is where she said she would be.

I pleaded with her not to stay out all night with him, since I'm on the east coast, and an ice storm is expected tomorrow. She agreed, but it's nearly 4 am now. When she does show up I can't say much for fear she will do something really bad.

During our first breakup, she accused me of abuse and got a temporary restraining order.

I can't imagine that happening now.

I've held it together for days, with the baby around, but with him gone, I suddenly realize how hard this is going to be, and how much she can hurt me using the baby, if she chooses to. I'm am trying not to panic.

I am terribly lonely and afraid. She's not violent, she doesn't rage, but she spaces out and does self destructive things, and she's been known to fabricate things to get her way.

This is such a turnaround. I don't know what to expect next, and I have no idea what to do next.

[Somewhere]

Yeah.

That is a mess.

ummm.  You sure the kid is yours?

[restoredsight]

I'm not sure 100%. I've not got a paternity test. She balked at the idea, and at the time that seemed reasonable.

She's back now. Baby is safe. Both are asleep.

She claims she spent time with a mutual acquaintance, who we know deals coke. I told her that it was unacceptable. Only time will tell on that one.

I could use some advice on the next steps, so I guess I'm moving to the leaving board.

[GreenMango]

She claims she spent time with a mutual acquaintance, who we know deals coke. I told her that it was unacceptable. Only time will tell on that one.

Id get this on record.  She doesnt belong parenting and I'd be inclined to notify  CPS/ police and let the natural consequences to take over.  You could lose your child in more ways than one.  Is this relationship worth it?

All kinds of freak stuff happens at dealers houses besides a bunch of addicts getting high... . like raids, access to drugs, overdoses etc.  This alone seems enough to me to move on laying out some hard options and consequences for her like paternity test, drug test, counseling, notifying the police etc.  Give it some thought and post this situatiin on the legal board - im guessing when you wrote it things have gotten so bizarre that almost anything seems normal but this is so far from normal or healthy maybe you just needed to hear it from someone not standing so close.

You know how this goes on some of the hard line limits once you give the impression its not serious and there are no consequences the person goes for it like its no big deal.  Dont let this slide. 

The not coming home, hanging with druggies,  and bringing your child to a dealers house are relationship killer offenses of you want to end it.  You dont even have to explain.  I normally dont tell people to end it or issue treatment ultimatums but your situation is critical and these things usually get worse.

[restoredsight]

My entire city is shut down because of snow, so i wish I could do more today, but instead I'm trying to stay even tempered.

I may have stated things in a way that makes me seem less alarmed than I am. I'm seriously worried about pressing issues because she made false allegations in the past. I know for sure that I've been in the fog about this, but her take the baby out like that was a wake up call.

I don't know that the guy has a record in this area, but his roommate is a convicted murderer of some sort. I don't know if that will factor into things, he served his time and seems to be mostly on the up and up. I know both of them, worked with them. I called the police about her being gone and me not knowing where the baby is overnight, but i got a gruff response of "It's her child, nothing can be done." She arrived home minutes later.

I don't know anything about CPS and how that works. I don't have proof of his involvement in drugs, and as far as I know she may have been lying about where she was. I want to have any ammunition I can though, I'm just afraid of not having the right information that will get things done.

[restoredsight]

Damn it. I've been stuck feeling helpless for too long and now i feel like having my hand held. I've been taking care of her basic needs, reminding her to shower and cleaning up after her, until recently when she spontaneously started some hygiene again. I've been slowly bleed of my power and became a caretaker again, and this is only erupting because I refused to be a babysitter for her 24/7 and let her do what she wants. I'm going to just man up and try CPS asap.

I'm so tired, hurt and angry.

I'm posting in the legal section now, thanks.

[GreenMango]

Are you sure she isnt using herself?  She sounds pretty erratic running out forgetting basic baby essentials to get over to her friends house, staying out all night, etc.  The moodiness and volatility.

I think its a good idea to think about this calmly like you mentioned, just to also take some kind of action.  You may end up trying to work it out later but right now getting a plan together will help ease that powerless feeling and protect your child.

Running this by the legal board and any outside support is going to help.  These are the kind of situations you dont really get lessons on.

Take good care of you too-eat, sleep etc.

Hang in there these crisis points are really rough.  A therapist for you might help too.  Do you have one?

[restoredsight]

I was seeing one for my dysthymia, which is medically controlled. I'm going to a college for my therapy, for the price, and the student I had wasn't a good fit compared to my last one that graduated. I'll see about that too.