I just reach my low after a breakup with a BPD, how do you start healing

[Pinoypride18]

Today i reach a low, i went out and was stalking my BPD ex girlfriend. She has been in an exclusive relationship two weeks after the breakup. It has been 1.5 months since the breakup. I heard they have not only been doing it but caught in our school doing it, and now everyone knows. I did something stupid and was stalking them, walking around campus trying to catch them. But i happened to get caught, i walked past them, and then again and stupidly said hi just to play it off. I now look like the stupid stalker ex.

I know she is the BPD and it is officially over but i can't get over the fact that she is having sex with some other guy, when i put in the effort to get that. That some guy swooped in and took advantage over her needing attention. And that he gets the benefits of someone i have been jumping through fire for and was there through all the hard times. That she moved on so quickly, like she is rubbing her new relationship in my face. And as if our 3 years together didn't matter. That i truely appreciated her and that he is just using her for sex.

I am a mess, she has screwed with my head, and i feel like she is toying with me. Her new guy is ugly (other girls opinion), acts childish, and weird. And i feel humiliated to be left for that.

After the whole getting caught stalking incident i know i need to stop and move on. I see the symptoms and i know she is BPD. But she is still someone i cared about and thought highly of. I know she treated me bad but i can't get over the fact that she is with someone else, so early, and that they are sneaking around fooling around when i treated her like a princess and not like a cheap whore. I was the one around through her hard times.

But how do you start healing from all the torment a BPD gives you?

Is it normal for BPD to go for guys that are damaged or people she can fix?

How to heal from her projecting her insecurities or her blaming me and making it seem like it is my fault.

Please i need your help, convince me it was a good thing we broke up. Give me reasons why it is her and not me. I hate trying to figure out why she is doing all this and can walk around acting like it is ok. I am depressed, and i hate myself. But i feel like i am losing who i am. I don't know what im doing or to move passed this.

[growing_wings]

HI, sorry to read you are in a low.

Healing is different to us, but in my view , and joing to what i have read, i summarize the following:

1. Focus on yourself. Do an examination and understand why you were attracted and "addicted" to this person. Was the care he/she provided? was it co-dependence?

2. I started therapy to work on myself. It has worked well. I have been going every week!

3. Seek positive people and be around them.

4. I also looked for new projects for YOURSELF. things that you enjoy and that will boost your self esteem.

5. GRIEVE... this is an important. This is hard to. I had to accept i had to grieve her absence. recognize those feelings.

eventually, acceptance will come.  (I HOPE!)  

I am no expert, i am in the same boat as you, and i am finding my way out. hope above helps.

[Jayhawk21]

Pino. I'm going through the same. Stalking her to a degree, her and I have been breaking up for 3 days after 3+ years. Today is the beginning of NC. I feel your pain.

[Jayhawk21]

Growing,

Thanks for those words. They resonate with me.

This happened 3 hours ago for me.

[santa]

Go no contact and don't look back. You're free now.

Use the resources on this site to help you understand.

[goldylamont]

Pinoypride the exact same thing has happened to many of us here. pwBPD do tend to use sex both as a coping mechanism for themselves but also as a weapon to punish their exes.

It sounds like you have figured things out on your own, and you realize that stalking her is not good for you.

Perhaps you should consider this viewpoint--your ex is *not* sneaking around with this new guy. She is actually being quite open about her sexual exploits with this guy in a sense to brag about how great she is doing and also to make you look like an idiot to everyone else. By following her around and running into her you are feeding her ego and empowering her nastiness, since she now has confirmation that you are hurt and affected by her actions.

In my experience pwBPD absolutely use sex as a weapon to hurt others--knowing this is true may help you act accordingly to not fall for the traps she is setting for you.

Regarding the replacement guy--you have to kind of take a step back and not make any judgements about this guy. Perhaps you could see some aspects but ultimately you have to accept that he is being lied to and manipulated via sex and emotions in the same way you were and currently are being. He's just at a different stage than you are.

I was with my ex for 4 years and we still lived together; only a few weeks passed since we broke up and she found another guy and started sleeping with him, the whole nine as you describe. Now, our situations seem somewhat similar in that the replacement she found kind of wasn't of the same caliber as i was << and this sounds terrible I know b/c it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound great. I'm not, just trying to establish a base line and say that it was obvious to *everyone* that on the outside looking in my ex and this guy just didn't 'fit' as a couple. I believe her inner nastiness probably matched his neediness and ability to be manipulated at the time so it was a good fit in that sense. But basically if you didn't understand this and you saw them together you might mistakenly think "what the hell is that good looking woman doing with *that* guy?" well, she's using him to feel good about herself and using him to punish and embarrass you. most guys "on your level" so to speak would probably sleep with your ex if she was so easy but they would probably start piecing things together and realize that they were also being used and then step away from the situation. if he's sticking around it's probably b/c he's being p-whipped (controlled by sex) b/c he's not used to being with a woman that is this physically attractive, so it's easier for him to believe the lies and thus be manipulated by her.

after you broke up with your ex, she didn't have anyone there to tell her she was the best thing in the world. and she didn't have someone that she could directly abuse. and pwBPD cannot stand being alone so she found a replacement asap. this is the pattern. so you kind of have to think with these constraints, what type of guy could she find in only a few days after getting out of a long term r/s with you? look at it this way--let's say after your breakup you felt like you would die any day until you started sleeping with another woman, so you go about to find someone to be with. do you think you could find a girl to 'love' you and have sex with in the span of a couple weeks--probably so, but most likely she wouldn't look like a supermodel and have a great career; she'd probably be a bit below the 'level' you normally seek for long term companionship. does this make sense?

all in all try not to judge this guy if you don't know who he is. you ex is misrepresenting you to him and likewise is misrepresenting him to everyone else. honestly you have to thank your lucky stars if it's obvious that this guy was a step down from you. often times the replacement is someone actually of value being fooled, so it makes it harder to see the games the pwBPD is playing and you might start to think there is something wrong with your value; when that's not the reality of the situation.

[Jayhawk21]

Goldy so well put. My ex told me it was over and in the same sentence told me she had a date lined up.

I know he may be her caliber but I was dedicated to supporting her for 3 years. No guy to tell her how great she is and not know her secrets can replace me.

[fromheeltoheal]

But how do you start healing from all the torment a BPD gives you?

Stop stalking and stop any communication, stay here, read, talk, process, give it time.

Is it normal for BPD to go for guys that are damaged or people she can fix?

One component of the disorder can be that good guys, ones who offer unconditional love, something a borderline can't return, it's all conditional with the disorder, and a borderline knows that and feels shame about it.  A bad boy or a weirdo who doesn't care about her is sometimes more comfortable and may even remind them of the earliest trauma that created the disorder.

How to heal from her projecting her insecurities or her blaming me and making it seem like it is my fault.

By looking at your part closely and acknowledging the truth; a relationship takes two, and it will take a while out of the relationship to get clear on what was her's and what was yours, and own yours.

I hate trying to figure out why she is doing all this and can walk around acting like it is ok. I am depressed, and i hate myself. But i feel like i am losing who i am. I don't know what im doing or to move passed this.

I'm with you man, been there.  To be clear, a borderline is never OK for very long, the disorder is a living hell, and attaching is critical, so they get very good at mirroring and putting up a facade to affect those attachments.  It's an act, and the new guy is in for the same pain when she gets real, or if he really doesn't care, he will just bail.  Take care a you!

[Tausk]

I feel your pain.  I was there before.  You are not alone.  There are many wise people here who understand and will help you.

I still feel the urge to stalk after over a year, but the longer I don't the better I have been getting and the stronger I am.  I stalked because I didn't feel good about myself.  So I found that learning about BPD and about why I chose such an abusive and destructive r/s has helped me. 

Keep hope alive because there is a path out.

In support

t