Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 22, 2021, 06:19:38 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Empty Feeling  (Read 1260 times)
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« on: January 27, 2014, 09:53:48 AM »

I am not sure how this is going to come out.  I am about 4 months out from the most recent breakup.  I am starting to really process this relationship as I am coming out of the FOG.  One thing I am processing is that fact that I often felt empty AFTER i spent time with her.  Especially after we were intimate.  I don't know what this is or what it means?  We didn't live together, and usually saw each other a few times a week.  This past weekend would of been one that we would have spent together.  This is what got me thinking because I remember the emptiness that I would of felt last night.  Maybe it is me with BPD?
Logged
drv3006
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 234



« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2014, 10:01:06 AM »

Wow, I have felt the same with mine.  I don't think its you with the BPD.  Especially if you have connected with someone emotionally and physically in the past.  With mine, I could just tell he wasn't there, but he was.  You know what I mean.  It wasn't even like he was using me or anything.  it was more like he thought he had to do it.  I guess.  Like he thought it was something he was suppose to do.  I couldn't put my finger on it but then I was not connecting either because I was too busy trying to figure out where he was when he was right there with me as close as a person can get.  I still couldn't shake the feeling he was far away.  Did that make any sense.  I don't communicate all that well myself.  Ha
Logged
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2014, 10:03:28 AM »

Actually I want to add a little bit more to my first post.  The emptiness I think might have to do with my walking on eggshells all the time.  I think I might of been relieved when I "successfully" got though a period of time with her.  It might be the sheer stress I felt leading up to/and spending time with her.  Maybe it is stress I am feeling?  
Logged
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2014, 10:08:10 AM »

DRV-Yes that does make sense.  What you said makes perfect sense to me.  It was almost like at times she was going through the motions, but I could tell she wasn't really there.  The sex was fantastic, and I think for about 5 mins after we would actually connect, but then I would get the feeling that she was mentally gone again. 
Logged
drv3006
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 234



« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2014, 10:17:03 AM »

Yeah,  I can't say it was fantastic for me, but being the female, his compassion and foreplay before hand really made me feel he wanted me.

But during.  It was different.  And after he acted weird too and I wasn't gonna say anything and tell him how I felt.  God forbid I speak of my feelings on what color the sky was more or less something so intimate as the bedroom.   I would have gotten an hour rant on how I don't love him and then another hour of everything I ever did thought or wanted to do being terrible.  Any feeling I had always went back to him somehow and into an entire different story.  I couldn't discuss anything so how could I discuss that tender area.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2014, 12:14:03 PM »

Hey tincup, let's face it: a BPD r/s is exhausting, so no wonder you felt drained after spending time with your BPD SO.  As you note, walking on eggshells is extremely stressful, because one is always expecting the other shoe to drop (to mix metaphors).  And the shoe always drops.  So be grateful that you are moving on to something more peaceful.  LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2014, 12:19:36 PM »

LuckyJim-Thanks and you are right about being thankful about moving on to something peaceful.  As weird as this sounds I am having problems adjusting to peaceful... .
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2014, 05:25:48 PM »

I am not sure how this is going to come out.  I am about 4 months out from the most recent breakup.  I am starting to really process this relationship as I am coming out of the FOG.  One thing I am processing is that fact that I often felt empty AFTER i spent time with her.  Especially after we were intimate.  I don't know what this is or what it means?  We didn't live together, and usually saw each other a few times a week.  This past weekend would of been one that we would have spent together.  This is what got me thinking because I remember the emptiness that I would of felt last night.  Maybe it is me with BPD?

Sex is not intimacy - and sex without intimacy really can feel empty.

Intimacy requires the ability to be emotionally vulnerable - let's be honest here, how safe is it to be emotionally vulnerable to a pwBPD?  I don't know about you, but I had pretty much all of my acknowledged shortcomings used against me during the relationship - that does not bode well for intimacy.
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
love4meNOTu
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 529


« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2014, 06:27:06 PM »

^^^what sb said... .

I spent so much time being very confused about my ex husband's behavior. One minute he would absolutely hate me and yell and scream... . and then he would be done, and want to make up instantly. It was the oddest thing I have ever experienced. I was still numb, in the shock and despair of what he had said, what he had accused me of... and he would say "well if you are going to stay angry then that's up to you, but let's love, live and move on".

Which might make sense if it wasn't just right after the rage was over and you'd actually worked some things out. But that never happened. We couldn't work things out because I would never agree that I was always in the wrong and needed to change. Sometimes I did, but hey, I could not fulfill ever need that guy had, every frickin' second of the day.

So our sex became less fulfilling as a result, and once I was afraid of him? The sex was mechanical.

L
Logged

In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
Madison66
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 398


« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2014, 06:46:04 PM »

I am not sure how this is going to come out.  I am about 4 months out from the most recent breakup.  I am starting to really process this relationship as I am coming out of the FOG.  One thing I am processing is that fact that I often felt empty AFTER i spent time with her.  Especially after we were intimate.  I don't know what this is or what it means?  We didn't live together, and usually saw each other a few times a week.  This past weekend would of been one that we would have spent together.  This is what got me thinking because I remember the emptiness that I would of felt last night.  Maybe it is me with BPD?

Sex is not intimacy - and sex without intimacy really can feel empty.

Intimacy requires the ability to be emotionally vulnerable - let's be honest here, how safe is it to be emotionally vulnerable to a pwBPD?  I don't know about you, but I had pretty much all of my acknowledged shortcomings used against me during the relationship - that does not bode well for intimacy.

That is so right on with what I experienced.  I even recall the second of three T's we went to see stating to us that we needed to get to a place of emotional vulnerability.  I was past the point of feeling safe to put myself out there any more, and would detach emotionally for self protection.  Sex was the time we wouldn't fight, but things would often times go south afterward.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2014, 10:02:58 AM »

Agree with you, Madison, that emotional vulnerability is extremely difficult in the context of a BPD r/s.  After years of rage and rampages on the part of my BPDxW, I closed off and refused to share anything personal with her, for my own protection.  At that point, I was just going through the motions and it was only a matter of time before our divorce.  Lucky Jim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
DownandOut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 260


« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2014, 10:20:40 AM »

It's impossible not to feel empty when anything you say or do can be interpreted the wrong way by a pwBPD and turn into an emotionally draining and stressful event. Every time my uBPDexgf would call me and I was doing something with my friends, I would feel like the life was being sucked out of me knowing I had to answer that phone call. Being with her and taking her abuse when every word I spoke and action I took was to try to make her smile left me feeling like a shell of myself. And this is the woman I loved?  
Logged
Tincup
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 421


« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2014, 10:21:01 AM »

Thanks for all the responses.  The more I think about things the more I realize that I was balancing the walking on eggshells with knowing in the back of my mind that the relationship probably would not last.  It was hard (if not impossible) for me to really feel security in this relationship since we had broken up so many times.  I need to feel security in a relationship in order to truly be myself.  Security to me is so important.  I didn't feel I could have certain conversations at certain times because I knew what that would bring.  
Logged
DownandOut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 260


« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2014, 10:31:29 AM »

Thanks for all the responses.  The more I think about things the more I realize that I was balancing the walking on eggshells with knowing in the back of my mind that the relationship probably would not last.  It was hard (if not impossible) for me to really feel security in this relationship since we had broken up so many times.  I need to feel security in a relationship in order to truly be myself.  Security to me is so important.  I didn't feel I could have certain conversations at certain times because I knew what that would bring. 

I am 100% with you on the issue of security. When my uBPDexgf came back around for the third and final recycle, I acted distant and wouldn't open up as quickly as she wanted me to. I asked her if she was serious about the relationship and told her that I'm not going to put myself in harms way again with her. She was offended! She couldn't believe that I was doubting her (even after all the sht she put me through previously), but I did and I should have kept my guard up. But they're so good at stripping away your armor aren't they? When the r/s was on its last legs she told me that she was a butterfly that needed to flap her wings and experience life - the irony is that I am in favor of experiencing life even when we aren't together. I was supportive of every endeavor, every thing she wanted to do for herself I was the guy in the front row cheering her on. She started acting as if I was smothering her, but I am not that kind of guy, I need space myself. Nevertheless, she told me that I was afraid to let her explore, I was afraid to give her space.   Very untrue, but I believed it. My response to her was "you're right, because I've been through this before with you and I want to feel secure in my r/s." She could've been anything she wanted to be with me, she could've done anything she wanted to do for herself when she was with me as long as she respected the r/s. SHe could've had it all. But, instead, she went looking for the next best thing and I can't be in a r/s like that. My insecurity was rooted in her actions towards me.
Logged
bpdspell
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married.
Posts: 892


« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2014, 10:49:02 AM »

For me the empty feelings came from the fact that my ex never seemed to have the capacity to fill me up in the way I fantasized that he could. With him I was always emotionally hungry for more: connection, intimacy, validation…but he could never give them to me in a way that felt fulfilling. So of course to make up for that lack we'd have sex all the time but it was the equivalent of eating meals made out of Jolly Ranchers instead of Meat & Potatoes. I was starving for something substantial, nourishing and something that would make me feel whole and complete.

Idealization was great (with all of that seduction and mirroring) but then there just seemed to be a never ending reason why our relationship couldn't go deeper. Our relationship lived in the shallow end of the pool but at the same time became very demanding of the best of my resources.

Slowly our exchanges evolved to extreme imbalance where his needs were all that were important in the relationship and well…to hell with mine. And this is where I would feel the emptiest because the ex seemed to be bone ignorant of all the taking he was doing…it was nuerotically parasitical.

Months in I shutdown in numbness simply to survive until I couldn't take the one-sidedness anymore.

Spell

Logged
DownandOut
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 260


« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2014, 10:53:25 AM »

For me the empty feelings came from the fact that my ex never seemed to have the capacity to fill me up in the way I fantasized that he could. With him I was always emotionally hungry for more: connection, intimacy, validation…but he could never give them to me in a way that felt fulfilling. So of course to make up for that lack we'd have sex all the time but it was the equivalent of eating meals made out of Jolly Ranchers instead of Meat & Potatoes.

Idealization was great (with all of that seduction and mirroring) but then there just seemed to be a never ending reason why our relationship couldn't go deeper. Our relationship lived in the shallow end of the pool but at the same time became very demanding of the best of my resources.

Slowly our exchanges evolved to extreme imbalance where his needs were all that were important in the relationship and well…to hell with mine. And this is where I would feel the emptiest because the ex seemed to be bone ignorant of all the taking he was doing…it was nuerotically parasitical.

Months in I shutdown in numbness simply to survive until I couldn't take the one-sidedness anymore.

Spell

Great post!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I feel like everything you just wrote is what I experienced in my r/s.
Logged
Happy1
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 116


« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2014, 12:22:58 PM »

Tincup,

That empty feeling is you not having your needs met. Your longing for something more from this person. When my exuBPDgf had been gone for some time, I thought to myself, "We almost made it, if she just would have tried a little harder in my direction we could have had something... . ". Now, think of the next guy and the next after that... . They'll all have that feeling. In my case my exuBPDgf has been married for 20 yrs. to the rebound man she met. Think about how unmet that guy's needs are and have been for years... . Sad.

Also, I might add, that when she'd hug me, she'd squeeze me with her hands at the same time. Just like you do a doll or something. Very unnatural and kind of uncomfortable at the same time. At the time, I thought to myself, "This person doesn't know how to give a genuine hug or to comfort someone else... . ". Weird... .
Logged
Madison66
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 398


« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2014, 12:45:23 PM »

For me the empty feelings came from the fact that my ex never seemed to have the capacity to fill me up in the way I fantasized that he could. With him I was always emotionally hungry for more: connection, intimacy, validation…but he could never give them to me in a way that felt fulfilling. So of course to make up for that lack we'd have sex all the time but it was the equivalent of eating meals made out of Jolly Ranchers instead of Meat & Potatoes. I was starving for something substantial, nourishing and something that would make me feel whole and complete.

That is so right on for me!  When I read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, she discusses the different realities the pwPD and the non are living.  Aside from a complete lack of empathy that I experienced in my r/s, the one word the author used that screamed off the pages was "mutuality".  There was no mutuality in the r/s and there couldn't be.  I became emphatically burned out and started to detach emotionally.  Lot's of "Jolly Ranchers instead of Meat & Potatoes".  Game over!
Logged
heartandwhole
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3593



« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2014, 02:01:08 PM »

Thanks for all the responses.  The more I think about things the more I realize that I was balancing the walking on eggshells with knowing in the back of my mind that the relationship probably would not last.  It was hard (if not impossible) for me to really feel security in this relationship since we had broken up so many times.  I need to feel security in a relationship in order to truly be myself.  Security to me is so important.  I didn't feel I could have certain conversations at certain times because I knew what that would bring.  

Yes, the fear is an intimacy killer.  How can you be real, and open and vulnerable with someone when you don't feel safe?  Sometimes we mistake the anxiety of possible/probable abandonment as attraction.  That's not leading to love, it's leading to more emotional hunger.
Logged


When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Waifed
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1026



« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2014, 03:06:13 PM »

Wow, I have felt the same with mine.  I don't think its you with the BPD.  Especially if you have connected with someone emotionally and physically in the past.  With mine, I could just tell he wasn't there, but he was.  You know what I mean.  It wasn't even like he was using me or anything.  it was more like he thought he had to do it.  I guess.  Like he thought it was something he was suppose to do.  I couldn't put my finger on it but then I was not connecting either because I was too busy trying to figure out where he was when he was right there with me as close as a person can get.  I still couldn't shake the feeling he was far away.  Did that make any sense.  I don't communicate all that well myself.  Ha

I noticed this to at various times during the relationship.  It was strange but I was so fogged up that I just went with it.  I didn't want to rock the boat.
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2014, 03:12:06 PM »

Tincup, I went through that too. She was here then not. Close but not. It's hard when you're in love with someone and they're right there in the room but they're distant and unreachable. Turning their pain into your pain. Keeping their mask on instead of taking it off. It was like starting over every time, even though there was so much water already underneath our bridge, and then ending again when she'd leave. Like going through hundreds of mini-relationships, each one filled with uncertainty about how it was going to go this time. Or next time. What were her moods going to be. How much would my own needs be met. It was exhausting. There were times I felt like I was overflowing with it, and times I felt drained.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!