How does a breakup with a BPD differ from a non

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have had the unfortunate problem of having my biggest breakup in my life be with a BPD.

During the whole relationship after idealization phase I always wonded "are nomral relationships like this?"

Now I have a BPD as my baseline for relationships and breakups.

My question is how is the BPD breakup different than a non? What makes it so much harder to move on?

[Pinoypride18]

I have had the unfortunate problem of having my biggest breakup in my life be with a BPD.

During the whole relationship after idealization phase I always wonded "are nomral relationships like this?"

Now I have a BPD as my baseline for relationships and breakups.

My question is how is the BPD breakup different than a non? What makes it so much harder to move on?

[NoCRV]

Hi Pinoy,

If BPD is your baseline, the future is looking pretty bright for you!  I have had a few normal break ups which didn't hurt as bad as this or leave me as confused as this.  From my experience, usually in non-BPD break-up there are well thought out reasons for the break up by one or both sides involved.  As for my first BPD experience, everything seem to moving along well and ended abruptly without reasoning.  It's been harder for me to move on from this one because her projections shook my confidence, my co-dependency allowed me to stay longer than I should have, and I had become addicted to relationship.  Use the tools and information from this website and you will be much stronger.  Just my two cents!

[Kifazes]

I couldn't agree more with NoCRV.

I've had more than one relationship before my BPD partner. I've met him pretty 'late' in life.

I've already had kids with my ex (non BPD partner), and not even that break up can compare to the multiple break-ups my BPD partner pushed me through.

As NoCRV said, other relationships ended with good reasoning. Even when I was the one who got dumped, I could understand and relate to the guys opinion and the 'why' he gave me why he would leave me.

My BPDpartner never gives a reason. You can wake up in the morning, getting breakfast on bed. And when you get home, he'd be like 'well, it has to stop now, I've never been happy, and you're a bad person'. And that is that.

And indeed, your future is looking pretty bright if that is your baseline! :-)

[charred]

The BPD person idealizes you, blows smoke, says you are wonderful. If you didn't get enough unconditional love from your parents when little, the idealizing is intoxicating, and before you know it you put them on a pedestal and idealize them back. So long as things are good, no problem, but after a while the BPD person gets clingy, tires of acting like they care about every little thing you say or do and they know how they are and that you may leave them when you find out... . but you haven't seen the bad side of them yet so you don't take the clingy stuff very seriously. Then they turn hater or simply dump you... and that is when you find out the breakup differs from a normal breakup.

The idealizing you did of them, deep down is taking a child role to their parent. (They are immature to start with... but certainly not a good parent, but because they seemed to provide unconditional love... you accept them as a parent... . but are not aware of it.) So when they are hating ... . you find yourself taking it, accepting whatever they say for the most part, thinking it is your fault and trying to do whatever they say to make them happy. In short order you are jumping through hoops trying to make an immature/often irrational person happy. They yell or hit or say the meanest things you can imagine, and you mostly just take it. If it gets to be too much and you want out... . or they dump you... . then instead of a sense of relief and moving on to someone more likeable... . the bottom feels like it dropped out of your world.

The hurt is out of all proportion to what you would expect, it can be devastating, more like the death of a parent than just a breakup.

Getting over it takes a long time, you have the same grieving stages as a death... and it make take a few years to get back to normal.

The person with BPD didn't cause all the pain actually, they brought it to the surface ... . and let it out. Your pain comes from growing up in a family where you didn't get enough unconditional love, had some degree of anxiety/trauma that most likely led you to keep people at a distance in order to keep them from hurting you. You blunt your emotions when you avoid expressing them... . and the pwBPD... they ignore your boundaries, get close to you and are so idealizing it regresses you and makes you open up and experience emotions more fully. You feel the world is right, the birds are singing in the skies, etc... . and you trust them at a deep down level you normally never do... . then when they abuse you... . you react like a little kid and take it and think its your fault... . or if they leave you feel like the world is ending... it is a global feeling you are not used to, as you normally kind of keep a lid on emotions, and they ripped that lid off like a bandaid on a big old sore.

That is what is different... . instead of relief, you feel extreme anguish, instead of being happy they are gone, you know it is irrational, but what you want more than anything ... . is to have them back.

And... in a normal r/s... . you might get back with them and have it work out better the next time... . but in a BPD r/s... . it almost always is worse each time you recycle.

Thats pretty much the difference... . oh, and your self esteem is destroyed by the whole thing and you can even develop PTSD from the abuse... that is not like a normal relationship. They are unlikely to give you any decent closure or explanation as to why it is over... . so it is all very unsettling.

[myself]

Great answer, Charred.

Doomed from start to finish. The ending's always worse.

It's like picking up the pieces of something that was already broken.