Moving yourself out of the funk...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Everyone

I had posted this on the Personal Inventory Board some time ago and wanted to repost here because it may help some to move forward.

One of the fundamental reasons I entered my BPD relationship and stayed was because of my own feelings of low self worth and the need to fix someone else to provide me with value. When my relationship ended my worth and value was shattered!

This FREE 12-week Video Event Series: The Self-Acceptance Project Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness helped me enormously.  If therapy is not on your insurance plan then this series is priceless.

It was recorded in 2013 and it's still available. Click link above and scroll to the bottom of page to register your email. You can download them to your smart phone and listen to them whenever.

Certainly well worth the effort and we need to make our own healing a priority - over and above what our ex's are or aren't doing. Moving through this pain requires us to be proactive - give it a go.

If you want to follow the original Personal Inventory thread it's here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196176.0;all

Be kind to you.

[Clearmind]

Hi Everyone

I had posted this on the Personal Inventory Board some time ago and wanted to repost here because it may help some to move forward.

One of the fundamental reasons I entered my BPD relationship and stayed was because of my own feelings of low self worth and the need to fix someone else to provide me with value. When my relationship ended my worth and value was shattered!

This FREE 12-week Video Event Series: The Self-Acceptance Project Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness helped me enormously.  If therapy is not on your insurance plan then this series is priceless.

It was recorded in 2013 and it's still available. Click link above and scroll to the bottom of page to register your email. You can download them to your smart phone and listen to them whenever.

Certainly well worth the effort and we need to make our own healing a priority - over and above what our ex's are or aren't doing. Moving through this pain requires us to be proactive - give it a go.

If you want to follow the original Personal Inventory thread it's here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196176.0;all

Be kind to you.

[growing_wings]

thanks Clearmind! i have registered.

own feelings of self-worth still affect me even after BU. when i see being "replaced", hurts like HELL. I should not be in that deep hell for too long if i would have a healthy dose of self worth. So this will come in very useful in my journey out. thank you for sharing it

[RecycledNoMore]

Thank you so much, I definately have an inner censor/ critic, I am excited at the prospect of being able to either turn that voice off or down... .

Onward into the fray... .

[Mutt]

  Thank you Clearmind! I signed up for it.

[love4meNOTu]

I signed up too, thanks Clearmind!

[heartandwhole]

I ended up buying an audio book by one of the guest therapists on that series, which really helped me.

Highly recommended!  

[Clearmind]

Good on you all - I have a few of the latter ones still to listen to - they are on my phone so listen to them while in the car. Awesome series... . I believe you will all get a lot from them. And they are freeeee!

Love to hear your feedback in the Personal Inventory thread if you have time. Brene Brown of course is my absolute fave - she is amazing.

[seeking balance]

I did this entire series last year - anyone serious about healing, register today.

When you have listened to the first one, post it here... . let's see who is talking the talk vs. walking the walk 

Cheers!

SB

[growing_wings]

right SB and CM, i like the challenge to see if I am walking my talk... .   let me internalize it by listen to it again and i will be back posting here

[MovingOnForLife]

Thank you so much!  I'm all signed up and will start tonight.

I'm willing to do anything to heal.

[Clearmind]

I did this entire series last year - anyone serious about healing, register today.

When you have listened to the first one, post it here... . let's see who is talking the talk vs. walking the walk 

Cheers!

SB

Good challenge SB

[growing_wings]

HI all,

so i have done the first one since a few days ago. Self Compassion vs. Inner critic. Very interesting as i grew up in an environment where my inner critic was very present.

After the BU, i am experiencing a painful withdrawal from the BPD. As a result, during the first 3 - 4 weeks afer BU i did the following:

1. Kept busy

2. Read so much about BPD and NPD that i can probably pass a test on the disorder.

3. Went to therapy

4. Pushed myself to stop feeling bad about the BU, bad about me falling into her trap, told me to stop feeling sad, etc.etc.

it worked, but the emptiness feeling was not going away.

Then my T told me that i should focus on letting her go, which made me feel sad.

Then i heard the self compassion program (1st chapter) and I identified the difference between inner critic & self compassion. Up to that point, i allowed my inner critic to rule me, and although it was helping a lot, it is also stressing me out, the idea of "moving on", keep up, etc can be exhausting, especially if you are already down in the ground... .

I do not discard the need of the inner critic (i think is needed), but the program allowed me to recognise the need to have self compassion, and to acknowledge that this is a painful time, is a time of suffering, therfore is ok to feel sad. sometimes my inner critic jumps straight away and say: STOP crying!, when this happens, as a consequence i supress the feeling of being sad, but it gets stuck inside of me, and therefore i want to go out and get compassion from a person who gave me some at the beginning of the r/s: MY ex BPD. I can give me that self-conpassion!, i have that power, and i dont need to seek it in her.

When i allowed myself to feel self compassion, i was invaded with sadness,  through compassion towards myself i allowed myself to feel it without judgement. I cried, i cried because i felt sad she took advantage of me, she used the stuff that i told her so intimately against me, i cried because i trusted her like i have trusted no other, and she stepped over me for her own benefit.

The crying didnt last long, but after, i felt so much better.

I am not over yet , far from it... .  however, for me to let her go, i need a combination of Inner critic & self compassion. So far, i was doing only the first one, but by using compassion i felt i could release the feelings wihtout judgement, without victimizing me either, but just let them go.

healing process is just beginning, i am sure i will have set backs, and up and downs. but as a first in a while, during the last 2 days, i have not had the urge to contact her... .

[GreenMango]

This sounds really cool.

Thanks for posting the info.

[Clearmind]

Then i heard the self compassion program (1st chapter) and I identified the difference between inner critic & self compassion. Up to that point, i allowed my inner critic to rule me, and although it was helping a lot, it is also stressing me out, the idea of "moving on", keep up, etc can be exhausting, especially if you are already down in the ground... .

I do not discard the need of the inner critic (i think is needed), but the program allowed me to recognise the need to have self compassion, and to acknowledge that this is a painful time, is a time of suffering, therfore is ok to feel sad. sometimes my inner critic jumps straight away and say: STOP crying!, when this happens, as a consequence i supress the feeling of being sad, but it gets stuck inside of me, and therefore i want to go out and get compassion from a person who gave me some at the beginning of the r/s: MY ex BPD. I can give me that self-conpassion!, i have that power, and i dont need to seek it in her.

When i allowed myself to feel self compassion, i was invaded with sadness,  through compassion towards myself i allowed myself to feel it without judgement. I cried, i cried because i felt sad she took advantage of me, she used the stuff that i told her so intimately against me, i cried because i trusted her like i have trusted no other, and she stepped over me for her own benefit.

The crying didnt last long, but after, i felt so much better.

I am not over yet , far from it... .  however, for me to let her go, i need a combination of Inner critic & self compassion. So far, i was doing only the first one, but by using compassion i felt i could release the feelings wihtout judgement, without victimizing me either, but just let them go.

healing process is just beginning, i am sure i will have set backs, and up and downs. but as a first in a while, during the last 2 days, i have not had the urge to contact her... .

really good summary Growing! I totally agree with you that self compassion is so important in keeping our inner critic in check. Our inner critic is a replay from our childhood and many of us including me had that ole thing on replay (in a very negative way) throughout my relationship and also after. It took a lot of self compassion to realise just how damaging I was being to myself.

Feeling emotions is so important. If there is one thing I have done all through my life is not feel. I didn't feel for most of my relationship which is one reason I stayed - I simply did not let myself crumble even though I needed to. Crumbling for me was considered weak. Oh how I was misguided.

Thank you for checking back in and I am so pleased you got a lot out of it.

[Ceide]

Clearmind, this sounds like exactly what I need!  I'm looking forward to signing up and checking this out!  I call my inner critic the "bully in my head".  Btw, Brene Brown is also one of my favs