There are no magic words

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One of the things that troubles me to this day is that I spilled my guts, wore my heart on my sleeve, was an open book and all the other clichés that apply, but nothing seemed to move my uBPDexgf. Number 7 on the Beliefs that Keep us Stuck says:

"7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... . we will be heard.

People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging.

When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides.

And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure."

Out of all the unhealthy aspects of a BPD r/s this is the one that hurts me the most. I've written letters, I've written songs, I've had long conversations and nothing ever made a difference. Once I was in devaluation, it was futile. I received a blank stare, the silent treatment and was left with thousands of questions. Even when I left, I wrote my BPD ex a long letter stating my reasons for leaving which I've shared with the community here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211563.msg12328748#msg12328748

Her response was cold and shifted blame onto me for not allowing the r/s to stay in limbo long enough for her to recycle me again. I am curious to know if anyone here has done the same and the reactions they received. Has anyone ever received a truly apologetic response from their pwBPD? Or is it all the same?

[DownandOut]

One of the things that troubles me to this day is that I spilled my guts, wore my heart on my sleeve, was an open book and all the other clichés that apply, but nothing seemed to move my uBPDexgf. Number 7 on the Beliefs that Keep us Stuck says:

"7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... . we will be heard.

People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging.

When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides.

And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure."

Out of all the unhealthy aspects of a BPD r/s this is the one that hurts me the most. I've written letters, I've written songs, I've had long conversations and nothing ever made a difference. Once I was in devaluation, it was futile. I received a blank stare, the silent treatment and was left with thousands of questions. Even when I left, I wrote my BPD ex a long letter stating my reasons for leaving which I've shared with the community here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211563.msg12328748#msg12328748

Her response was cold and shifted blame onto me for not allowing the r/s to stay in limbo long enough for her to recycle me again. I am curious to know if anyone here has done the same and the reactions they received. Has anyone ever received a truly apologetic response from their pwBPD? Or is it all the same?

[Mutt]

One of the things that troubles me to this day is that I spilled my guts, wore my heart on my sleeve, was an open book and all the other clichés that apply, but nothing seemed to move my uBPDexgf. Number 7 on the Beliefs that Keep us Stuck says:

"7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... . we will be heard.

People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging.

When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides.

And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback.

This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure."

Out of all the unhealthy aspects of a BPD r/s this is the one that hurts me the most. I've written letters, I've written songs, I've had long conversations and nothing ever made a difference. Once I was in devaluation, it was futile. I received a blank stare, the silent treatment and was left with thousands of questions. Even when I left, I wrote my BPD ex a long letter stating my reasons for leaving which I've shared with the community here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211563.msg12328748#msg12328748

Her response was cold and shifted blame onto me for not allowing the r/s to stay in limbo long enough for her to recycle me again. I am curious to know if anyone here has done the same and the reactions they received. Has anyone ever received a truly apologetic response from their pwBPD? Or is it all the same?

I tried applying and explaining logic, I tried to explain things differently, I spoke louder.

Often I got kitchen-sinked (an unrelated matter from the past to sidetrack the current issue) I was projected on, got sucked into circular arguments (my fault as well as I should of been more mature and disengage ) and she was verbally abusive and raged at me.

I never got a sincere apology. If she apologized which was twice maybe, she made me feel guilty about it.

I don't know what I could of done to counter devaluation.

[fromheeltoheal]

I got an email about 8 months after I left her that said in part "I'm sorry for my part of the ugliness."  Taken on its own that sounds like some awareness, some responsibility and a concern for me, but it was a tidbit of hope in a long missive that was clearly crafted to lure, while retaining her position of perceived power.  So I took that apology at face value and ignored the rest, I was all BPD-educated by then and it was transparent, a little silly that she bothered after that long, but I must have showed up on her radar as a possible soothe source on a bad day.  Whatever.

[DownandOut]

I got an email about 8 months after I left her that said in part "I'm sorry for my part of the ugliness."  Taken on its own that sounds like some awareness, some responsibility and a concern for me, but it was a tidbit of hope in a long missive that was clearly crafted to lure, while retaining her position of perceived power.  So I took that apology at face value and ignored the rest, I was all BPD-educated by then and it was transparent, a little silly that she bothered after that long, but I must have showed up on her radar as a possible soothe source on a bad day.  Whatever.

Wow! Kudos for not falling into the trap my friend. The way I've been feeling the last couple of days, if I would've received that message I would have certainly engaged. Even with my BPD education, I would see that as a sincere apology and a glimmer of hope. Thanks for smacking me in the face before I reach that point. 

[Perfidy]

After a while I was just glad to be myself and be out. At first I played the game. My head wasn't on straight. It took considerable pain and some quality suffering to get it through my thick skull that there was nothing I could do. An exercise in futility is still an exercise so now I got some huge futility muscle.

[State85]

Sincere apologies... . no. I always got this after some type of abuse:

"I'm sorry, now forget it happened and quit living in the past... . "

[myself]

I would see that as a sincere apology

I'm not sure any apologies are sincere with them, or the crap that is projected. Not sure they believe any of it. It's just reacting to their pain. We don't really exist to them. Except as scapegoats/supply.

[DownandOut]

I would see that as a sincere apology

I'm not sure any apologies are sincere with them, or the crap that is projected. Not sure they believe any of it. It's just reacting to their pain. We don't really exist to them. Except as scapegoats/supply.

Thinking of it like that hurts so much, but you're probably right. It just amazes me how someone could be so cold.

[Changingman]

I would see that as a sincere apology

I'm not sure any apologies are sincere with them, or the crap that is projected. Not sure they believe any of it. It's just reacting to their pain. We don't really exist to them. Except as scapegoats/supply.

Thinking of it like that hurts so much, but you're probably right. It just amazes me how someone could be so cold.

Not sure?

They haven't the ability to love... . get that?

What do you think an apology means?

Less than zero

That hole goes right through their soul heart and mind