Dealing with ADHD Behaviors with a PD Spouse

[bruceli]

I have adult ADHD.  PDw often calls me out for staring at other women, which she finds offensive and hurtful.  I do so to stimulate my brain due to the adhd.  I admit it does happen, and she has noticed that I also stare at men, children, animals, or inanimate objects. I mean no disrespect to her at all, but she still finds it difficult to believe that I don't do so because I yearn for these other women and to use her verbage am "drooling" over them.  She has pointed out occasions where I stared at someone and my head actually moved to follow them. I am wondering if I am alone in this experience, or if others have experienced the phenomenon and reactions of their PDSO.  I can't seem to control it (my wife has trouble believing that I can't control it around her. She says I know that it hurts her when she sees me staring at other women, and so if I continue to do it knowing that it hurts her, she feels that it is even worse--and from my perspective, I would rather pluck out my eyes than hurt her, so when she calls it to my attention, I huge argument ensues as you all can imagine. BTW, it happens  most when I am particularly stressed, fatigued, or preoccupied.  BTW, have brought this up with my T and am working on changing this behavior but it is not proceeding fast enough for DW.

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[Southern_Belle]

Hi bruceli,

I'm an ADHDer myself. I don't find myself having a problem staring at other people and objects, however, I do deal with hyper focus. I guess that can similar.

Us ADHD people can do many dumb things, be impulsive, lack of organization, bad time management, etc, etc… My friends who are in the "normal" range of emotions (no personality disorders, mental illness) understand my ADHD and deal with it appropriately.

My BPDbf does not. He uses it against me at times when he is being abusive. My ADHD is a convenient way to pin the blame on me for everything and to explain why I'm "such horrible person."

People like us have to deal with those out there that just don't or want to "get it." Which then our self-worth/esteem can easily take a beating.

Could you explain to her that you just find other people, animals, object very interesting and point out some of what you see to her - y'know, "people watching." perhaps she could "watch" them too?

[bruceli]

She's totally stressed out right now so my guess is that she used this as a trigger to rage, by way of projection, to relieve her stress to begin her push phase.  48 hours have passed and the pull is beginning.