Is there ever room for how we feel?

[Cloudy Days]

I am seriously dealing with a lot of stuff this new year, my grandmother has cancer and is dying. Someone at my job retired, so I have to pick up what they did, putting a lot more stress and responsibility onto me and I don't know how to do a lot of it. So I end up hating my job, then I go home to my husband who does not work, doesn't do much housework to help me and never cooks. I am just exhausted and I have no time for myself at the moment. Heck I just had a Vacation a couple weeks ago that was more of a nightmare than a Vacation. Anyways... .

He was having one of his usual, I had a bad dream about you, you must be cheating on me days. I finally got him calm enough to sit with me and talk. I felt so overwhelmed with thinking about everything that I am dealing with at the moment and I just started crying, all out bawling. I left the room because this really didn't have anything to do with him at least not completely. I went back and sat down after I calmed down and eventually my husband asked. What was that about, we were watching TV and you just started crying, I didn't say anything to you. I said I am just dealing with a lot of stress with my job and my grandma all together I just can't handle it all. His response was, "it's nothing I have never been through before".

Seriously... . I kind of just died a little when he said that. And really he has not been through anything like this because he has not had to deal with someone like himself while going through it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

He was having one of his usual, I had a bad dream about you, you must be cheating on me days.

And the irony of it all is that cheating is probably the absolute last thing on your mind. Especially with so many external stressors right now not related to the BPD. What is up with the cheating dreams? They should just be happy that they can sleep at all. Unlike most of us nons who lay awake at night wondering about all of this craziness. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this right now. It certainly is not fair and he should not have said that to you. Try to take some time for yourself and relax as best you can. We are here for you and hope you feel better soon 

[joshbjoshb]

once my wife told me about her dream that I cheated on her. I listened quitely. "You didn't deny because it's true"! she said.

LOL

[Cloudy Days]

He actually didn't even tell me he had a dream until after things were calmed down more. He just woke up and gave me a dirty look. I stayed as pleasant as I could. Then I asked, are you alright? His response was No, why would I be alright when I married a Cheating Whore.

And you are so correct Love is Not Enough. Not only was our anniversary last week that I was really looking forward to. But I was feeling a little more connected to him because of the Anniversary (I should have been prepared for the too much intimacy fall out). The last thing I would ever want is another man in my life telling me what to do or how to feel. I'm sure there are men that don't do that but dang, I don't need that crap in my life. The cheating accusations have never made sense to me as a person. That's why I had started bawling, I don't even have the luxury of going home to a supportive person and unwinding. I have to deal with cheating accusations instead when it's the last thing on my mind.

[ConstantGardener]

I think that my husband punishes me for needing support or being focused on my own feelings or situation.  I think about the big scarey events that have happened to me and his response is pretty consistent.  I had a weird sort of cancer a few years ago and when I called him from the hospital to tell him what the docs had found he hung up on me.  When I went through a complicated, stressful pregnancy, he treated me with such anger and hostility... . and cheated.  While he was cheating he kept accusing me of being not dedicated to him or the marriage.  I think they throw that out because they aren't really committed/invested in the marriage. And about feelings... . I really think it doesn't matter how we feel and we better not need any support.

[waverider]

Are you getting enough sleep or are you laying awake stressing about everything?

When I went through a particular stressful time I sought out family who genuinely cared, and took valium (even though normally I hate tabs) those nights I couldn't sleep. Breaking the compounding effects of stress is important otherwise you snap or spiral into depression

I find trying to talk my stresses through with my partner always gets twisted into "what have I done">denial>accusation> a whole more stress on top of what I am dealing with. This results in me trying to twist my confiding to avoid this and so again making it stressful.

[Cloudy Days]

Amazingly I don't have problems sleeping. I think I am just too worn out most of the time that I just crash. I really could already be in a depression, on days that I don't have to get up and work all I do is sleep as long as I can. When I wake up I never actually want to get up, I just force myself to because I know that I have to.

I had another over the top day yesterday too. It's amazing how quickly he can turn on me over something that isn't even in the moment. He split me over something that happened 3 weeks ago. Went from being intimate with him to him telling me to pack a bag and get out with in minutes. I tried to tell him how I felt this morning about a few things, that I was exhausted and hate my job and just want to fall apart. A few minutes later he was rude to me and I then asked him if he listened to anything I just had to say and he said listening and believing are two different things. How am I suppose to have a relationship with someone who doesn't believe anything I say?