I had a mempry

[Deb]

Last night I had a flashback of a memory. It was when I had emergency surgery. A friend dropped me off at the hospital, but couldn't stay. I had called my husband to tell him to come to the hospital "when he got off work."I assured everyone I was fine, I didn't need anyone. But I woke up in recovery, all alone. And I cried. I really, really wanted to have someone with me when I woke up. I wondered why I was so insistant about not needing anyone to be with me for the surgery. Than I thought about other times when I had either insisted I was "fine", or just not told anyone I needed help. And it hit me. When I was growing up, I found out that the only one I could really depend on was myself. My mom was at work, and left me at the mercy of my dBPD sister. I rarely saw my dad. The one time I had emergency surgery prior to this event, my mom took a cab from her job to be there with me. So I KNEW I could count on her. But so many times, I kept things to myself. And why? Well, anytime I took attention away from my sister, I paid for it. She would beat me up, subject me to mental games, steal from me, cause some kind of uproar or whatever it took to get the attention off of me. I am going to have to work on this. There are people who WANT to support me and help me when I need it. I just need to allow them.

[Sitara]

A combination of things taught me that the only person I could count on was myself, too.  Part of it was that my parents taught me to do everything for myself.  Find information, change my car's oil, whatever, they taught me I needed to be able to do it myself.  Part of it was that my mom needed so much "her time" that I played a lot alone as a child.  Part of it was learning that I couldn't trust my emotions to my parents.  I learned from a very early age that I needed to be self-reliant.  So much so that I even got myself out of a bout of severe depression and suicidal thoughts all on my own as a teen.  Nobody knew because I kept my feelings to myself and my mom at the time was so absorbed in her own "crisis" (my dad traveling for work) that she didn't have time for me.

It's really hard to just let go and trust when you spent so much of your youth learning the exact opposite.  It's something I need to work on too.

[Deb]

It's really hard to just let go and trust when you spent so much of your youth learning the exact opposite.

Yep. It is. In some respects, I don't regret being self sufficient. But there are times, it is good to let someone fuss over you. Like when I had breast cancer and I was comforting everyone and telling them it was ok. No, it wasn't. I was scared as h*ll.

[Eureka1]

Deb

I had an uBPD sister and whenever I was the focus of a conversation, or got new glasses, or was showing Mom pictures of my semester at college, all hell would break loose.  My sister would tear the pictures, break my new glasses or throw a tantrum and then threaten to kill herself.

To this day, I find it hard to ask for help (ride to airport, etc.)

I say I am fine, when in fact I am not.

I am getting better.  But it is because I am NC with my sister (or contact with a 3rd party present). 

We suffered years of abuse resulting in damage from our pwBPD.  We have to be patient with ourselves.

[Deb]

Thanks, Eureka,

My sister knew better than to break my glasses, but she broke or stole things from me. I won a special pen for being my grade's spelling bee champ, but I only had the pen for 24 hours. Although, when she moved out at 18, I found it. And if I was praised for anything, there was sure to be a tantrum! Even as an adult, she would look for ways to diminish me. I have been NC with her for years. But I am still finding behaviors that I have that relate to my growing up with a BPD.

We suffered years of abuse resulting in damage from our pwBPD.  We have to be patient with ourselves.

This is so true.