uBPDmom stole over $1,000 from my sister. Advice needed.

[bunnylake]

I haven't been on these boards in many months but I am back again! Unfortunately.

My mother moved to Maryland and took a debit card of my sisters with her. She stole a total of 1400 dollars from her. If she presses charges, my sister will get all of her money back which she could really use. We were told that if we mention our mothers drug problems she will likely get rehab instead of jail time. Now I'm reading online that MD puts people in jail for a maximum of ten years for a felony, which is theft over 1,000.

I just can't imagine my mother in jail at all. This is making my sister hesitate to press charges and I can see why. Our mother is really out of touch with reality, needs rehab and psychiatric help. I just don't know what to expect if charges are brought up against her.

It is her first offense, and my sister would rather she not be incarcerated but we want her to be held accountable. Don't know what to do. :/

Any advice would help a lot. Thanks.

[yesimhere]

Hi bunnylake,

Personally, I would consider pressing charges as, for me, I consider that to be the real-world consequence of her actions, and her opportunity to see the serious nature of her actions. I think the danger of your mother not being held accountable is also something to be considered. My mother has stolen from other relatives before (never from me) and doesn't acknowledge that it ever happened or will occasionally say that it did happen and they "deserved" it. It's hard to hold a person accountable when they have no remorse.

From the sound of it your mother would probably get rehab anyway, but I guess the question I would be asking myself if I were your sister is: could you deal with the consequences if (worst case scenario) she DID get jail time? Would she forgive herself/feel ok about it ultimately? If you can still say "yes" in worst case scenario then there's an answer there. If not, then I would be thinking about how else she might be held accountable. If not for your mother, at least for you and your sister to feel as though you have done something.

[Clearmind]

Mom needs to be accountable and if she is not willing to hand back the money then maybe the next step needs to be taken.

We cannot keep covering for our parents. Tough call. How does your sister feel?

[Levi78]

If it were me, I would press charges. HOWEVER I have serious anger issues toward my uBPD mom -- I may not be the wisest person to take advice from. 

Theft & BPD seems to be a thing. My mother has stolen from every job she's ever worked at. It's never outright cash from the til -- usually just tons of RANDOM STUFF. For example, when she worked at the old folks home, she stole medical supplies. She often gifts these stolen goods and delusionally thinks we don't know the origin of the items. That Christmas it was band-aids and rubbing alcohol. Last year, when she worked at the bakery, it was 20 boxes of cookies. When confronted about her theft, she always claims that her employer either gave the stuff to her OR she deserved it because the boss is an A-hole.

The only time mom has stolen money, it's been from her own family. (go figure!) She would systematically call my grandmother every couple months and claim that her purse was stolen and she had no money to feed us kids. (LIE.) She withdrew $700 from my brother's high school savings account. Her name was on the account in a parental capacity but it was his hard-earned minimum wage savings. When he asked her where the money went, she claimed she needed it to pay bills and would pay it back. (LIE.) Later, when my brother was in college and less naive, mom called and asked for a loan of $200. He said no because she wouldn't pay it back. Her response? "Well can you just GIVE it to me then?" All this from a middle-class working woman with no drug problem. BPD is so f-ing bizarre!

Best of luck with your mom. *hugs*

[bunnylake]

Thank you for your replies so far. I hope I am on the right board... . when I used to frequent this forum there was only one board for people with BPD relatives, I think... . I am not exactly sure where I stand with my mother right now. I can't imagine any form of communication with her at the moment. I don't know what I'd say. To be honest I feel a bit numb and stunned. I have suggested this forum to my sister in the past but she didn't have a computer for a long time and is always busy with work. Hopefully she'll get her butt on here soon.

Anyway, she feels like she's under a lot of pressure. From what she says to me, she's still leaning towards pressing charges but she is afraid of my mother being sent to jail for a long period of time. She has done a lot to mess up our lives, but I still can't imagine my mother in jail. I'm not sure how I would feel about it in the long run. I spent years conditioned to be "the mother" to her, and crawling out of that role was a long, slow, and painful process. Sometimes it still pulls at me. I worry about her as if she were a child, but other times I am completely emotionally detached. Usually I am detached, but this worry tugs at me hard sometimes.

Maybe my sister and I have to be unemotional about this. Our mom betrayed our trust over and over throughout both our lives, and she broke the law by stealing from my sister. No one should expect to get away with all that. So far, she has weaseled her way out of taking any responsibility for anything she has ever done. Logically I know that pressing charges is the best option. I would think she'd be sent to a rehab, hopefully get into therapy, and maybe it will be a turning point in her life. Maybe not. Either way, she can't continue to float through life taking whatever she thinks she's entitled to along the way.

The action of actually pressing charges, and then waiting to find out the outcome seems brutal and daunting to me. I can only imagine how it makes my sister feel. She's only 21, just beginning to build her own life. I think she is more emotionally attached to our mom than I am, and I know she'll need a lot of support getting through this.

[bunnylake]

Also, another reason I worry sometimes is because my mother is rather low functioning. She borders on socially inept, and sometimes she's very out of touch with reality. Not in a psychotic sort of way, but she's just not very "with it". It's hard to describe. She's never been able to hold down a job, never had any independence or healthy relationships of any sort, hasn't really accomplished anything. She manages to live off of other people constantly. She doesn't understand that there is anything wrong with her. I struggle with feeling sorry for her, worrying about her, alternating with feelings of detachment or resentment or anger. I know I have to stop this and let her worry about herself, but that's easier said than done. Even for this alone I resent her. Look at the position her behavior and abuse has put me in! This is the last thing I should be worrying about. Sorry to blab, I just haven't been to these boards in so long because I didn't need to until now. You guys understand. Thanks for reading. xo

[Levi78]

Considering your mom needs a caretaker of sorts, perhaps jail could be a safe place for her... . ? She would have food and shelter. She would likely be forced into some sort of therapy or psychological examination. True, there would be the other inmates, which is a wild card.

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like your mother doesn't have many people in her life who would allow her to experience the natural consequences of her actions.

Your sister is in a tough spot. On the one hand, showing mercy often can benefit others. On the other hand, it can also enable someone to continue in destructive patterns by reinforcing their belief that they are not accountable for their actions. Ultimately, it is really up to your sister to decide what she feels is best for her in this situation. It is up to you to respect her right to make that decision.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[bunnylake]

Thanks

She asked me to help her decide, she's under a lot of pressure and says she needs help making this decision. We are weighing the pros and cons and she's going to try to get more information from someone at our nearby precinct on what the possible outcomes might be if she presses charges. I respect any decision she makes, but she wants my help and I think I'm as stuck as she is.

[P.F.Change]

Oh, I see.

I can tell that you care about your sister and want to help her. As you said, she is young and feeling overwhelmed with this decision. A lot of us older siblings want to guide and protect our younger brothers and sisters; many times we were the de facto parent in the family from a young age. I know I felt responsible for my little sis. I think it is good that your sister has asked for your feedback about potential pros and cons, and that she is also willing to talk with someone experienced with this sort of thing.

One thing I have learned is that there is a difference in being asked for advice and feeling responsible for someone else's choice. It doesn't help if we tell them what to do; they need to learn to feel confident in making their own decisions. So in this case, you don't have to have an answer for your sister about what she should do, just say what the pros and cons are as you see them and let her come to a decision on her own. I'm sure she will appreciate knowing you support her either way.

Have you ever read this feature thread: Are you supporting or enabling? I found it helpful. I especially liked united for now's post about the butterfly on page 2 and qcarolr's post about validation on page 3. Maybe this will help you as you think about pros and cons.

PF

[krista8521]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

Unlike the others, I am not sure pressing charges will really help.

This is just my opinion, I think from the description you gave of your mother most likely you will end up looking like the bad guy. The courts will just order her to pay it back. It sounds like she doesn't have much to re pay?

I am going through this on a different level after a family member rang up 1,500 on a utility they put in our name. I know I could take them to court which would mean a court docket fee, a day off of work, and a judgment that they will never pay. It will just fall off their credit after a few years.

Just really think it through and see if the outcome is worth the hassle and the emotional crap that will come with it.

Take care~