absolute bull...

[CoasterRider]

So in the aftermath of all this, we tell ourselves, "it was a gift" "it will make us take notice" "we will be emotionally healthier." Sure you know what, we have our share of problems. Self esteem, self image, selfish, whatever. To achieve what though? To make a relationship work? To give the other person the benefit of the doubt. To try and be the bigger person, to be mature and understand we all arent perfect. To attempt to see the silver lining in a less than perfect situation. So why is it when it's all said and done. Are we the ones on here, trying to figure ourselves out. Trying to be better people. When we werent really the ones with the fatal flaw.

What did we try to do? Do right by others? Treat them in a way we ourselves deserved to be treated? So we're the ones left to take inventory and make better. All the while they stay in their dillusional world... . to unleash the wrath of idealization and devaluing on so many unknowing and soon to be victims.

So what we were volunteers, yea I get it. We stayed and endured the pain, the distrust, the mistreatment. Was the hope that it would all work out and be ok, really that much of a pipe dream? Or did we not deserve for them to love us enough to appreciate us enough. To see what it was they were doing to the r/s and get their act together?

Its not fair, I was a good, honest and decent person coming into the relationship. If I changed its because he changed me. The constant distrust, the rage, the 20 questions, who you talking to? who you with? where you at? That doesnt wear a person out at a inner level? So why is it my fault for not leaving? Why is it not his fault for seeing the folley of his ways. And heading my warning if he kept it up, he would surely be a self fulfilled prophecy. Guess what folks, I was right! The things Im ashamed about have really little to do with the reasons he is pissed at me. Im angry I wasnt attentive enough, wasnt loving enough, wasnt affectionate enough. Not for him, because that is what he needed to feed the fantasy. Only because thats what I wanted to be to someone. And I didnt do that. Not that it would have made the difference, I understand that. The clock was set on the time bomb day one.

So why am I to self reflect? self aware? self improve, go to therapy, pay my money, spend my time. Is it not too much to ask for that we have people in our lives that see that we have someone problems too, and not exploit them to their own benefit? Be sensitive to our needs and concerns, and not twist and manipulate the good souls we are. A little codependant? or just trying to be the bigger man, when things get a little sideways.

Im not sure, why is trying to help someone, help them become a better person, have a brighter future is so wrong and unhealthy? Isnt that what you are supposed to do in a relationship? Support and balance each other. I guess the problem is, it wasnt balanced. They dont do what it is we are here attempting to do.

It just not fair... .

[Want2know]

It doesn't seem fair, does it.

I agree helping those we love is something that seems natural.  I think the problem for me was that I was denying my own needs to help him.

It's ok to be angry about it.  I was, too.  It sucked when I finally realized how much I had put into the relationship and that there was no balance, as you said.  

What it comes down to is owning our 'stuff', and trying to figure out what the next step is for each one of us.

What is it that you think you want to do next in your life?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sounds like you needed to type that more than you need feedback on it Coaster.  And good for you, it is a beautiful rant, one I totally relate to.

We find meaning in what we went through because finding meaning is part of taking our power back.  How does it serve me?  Any way I damn well please, fcking borderline.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  A random belief with no meaning, until we give it some.

Hang in there man.  Here's a beauty: we get to heal, they don't.

[CoasterRider]

Sounds like you needed to type that more than you need feedback on it Coaster.  And good for you, it is a beautiful rant, one I totally relate to.

We find meaning in what we went through because finding meaning is part of taking our power back.  How does it serve me?  Any way I damn well please, fcking borderline.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  A random belief with no meaning, until we give it some.

Hang in there man.  Here's a beauty: we get to heal, they don't.

Yes! I needed to get that out. I had a moment today where I became thoroughly infuriated at the entire ordeal. Thanks for your comments though!

[musicfan42]

I totally agree with you Coaster Rider.

Statements like "it was a gift" are merely platitudes that aren't backed up by any empirical evidence.

I found out that domestic abuse victims may end up in more than one abusive relationship. This is the reason why victims of abuse need external support- to prevent him/her entering another abusive relationship and/or from going back to their abuser.

There are abusive individuals out there so everyone needs to learn how to protect themselves from harm. It's not fair however it's an unfortunate reality. That's why things like self-defense classes were started in the first place. There is a lot of really good literature on domestic abuse and it's worth reading. There are warning signs of domestic abuse... . things like quick involvement, Jekyll and Hyde behavior.

There are also tools to enable victims of abuse to stand up for themselves going forward such as assertiveness skills, setting boundaries etc. The workshop thread on this forum has a lot of valuable information on these topics.

[fromheeltoheal]

Statements like "it was a gift" are merely platitudes that aren't backed up by any empirical evidence.

No, no empirical evidence, just a focus shift that is part of taking our power back.  Goes well with Nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.

[myself]

we get to heal, they don't.

They can heal, they just... . don't.

[seeking balance]

The first line of The road Less Traveled, "life is difficult"

I think this falls into that category... .

[musicfan42]

Statements like "it was a gift" are merely platitudes that aren't backed up by any empirical evidence.

No, no empirical evidence, just a focus shift that is part of taking our power back.  Goes well with Nothing happens to us, everything happens for us.

Yes, I see your point. Resiliency skills are important in life.

However, I think that emotional validation is also important. If I'm upset, then it's not particularly comforting to hear a platitude.

[fromheeltoheal]

However, I think that emotional validation is also important. If I'm upset, then it's not particularly comforting to hear a platitude. I was reading this book called "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. He's a clinical psychologist and has done a lot of research on compassion as well as CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy). There's a passage in the book that actually mentions that platitudes often make depression sufferers feel worse, not better- that they should somehow be able to will themselves to feel better. When these people can't feel better, they feel that it's their own fault. There is this cultural emphasis on self-sufficiency- that one should be able to do everything by themselves and that if they can't, they're somehow a failure. Messages like this are incredibly damaging to individuals.

I don't think that everything is necessarily a case of willpower- that if one tries hard enough, that they feel better. If that was the case, then there would be no need for mental health professionals in the first place. If someone can recover by themselves, then great. But if not, then there should no shame in seeking external support. Indeed, if we could all cope with our relationship break-ups by ourselves, then we wouldn't be on a forum such as this in the first place.

Platitude has a negative connotation, and I agree, trying to get value out of a phrase by itself doesn't work and can have the opposite effect. Instead of an empty saying, what if it was a belief? And beliefs are useless without action. What I was missing in my relationship with my ex was validation, like you mention, compassion and empathy. So the gift of the relationship was to realize that, an awakening to what is really important, and actively going and pursuing that, asking people I've become close to for it, expressing vulnerability, risking, getting healthier, connecting. All of my relationships have deepened, at least the ones I chose to keep, since by borderline experience ended, and that is the true gift, because I've taken action on that belief.

[CoasterRider]

Not to take the "easy" way out. I'm inclined to think I was fine the way I was before I met him... . That's all I suppose I was attempting to assert to myself with my rant. Its just bringing myself back to the guy I knew I was over a year ago. This time just accepting some imperfection a little more and having had an opportunity to see them play out. Next go round I will tie myself I a pole when the hurricane comes in so I don't get swept out to sea. So atleast when the storm comes and goes I.e another person who isn't a good fit. Atleast I will be in the same place I was before. Instead of lost in the current.

[janey62]

I totally get your rant CoasterRider, I feel like that too often, although the tendency to try to blame myself creeps in.  Your words are a guard against that and I bet it felt good to get that out! 

For myself, my most recent disaster in the relationship game was the storm of all storms, but also one in a long line of them and I'm tired of that.  I don't think I was ever ok in that department, bad bad early influences I think, and a tendency to be too understanding and forgiving and just grateful for all that idealisation... . no matter how false it feels there's a part of me that desperately wants to believe in it.

Your tying yourself to a pole analogy is great, but what if there was no need?  What if it were possible to have a relationship where there were stormy moments, days even, but no hurricanes?  That's my ambition, to find one of those and it will be hard if I still attract hurricanes... .

I'm actually thinking (though not sure how valid this idea is) that one way of doing this which circumvents the need to fix myself, for endless therapy, soul searching and self investigation is to practice!  That's it, find someone who is relatively healthy whom you like and get to know them, learn how to do a healthy relationship by doing it!  At the first  walk away.  We know when we see them, we just chose to ignore them in the past.  So Stop It!  Don't ignore them... .

I wonder how that experiment will work out?

Janey xx

[musicfan42]

Fromheeltoheal-Yes, you make a good point re beliefs.

It's great that you were able to translate your belief into positive action in your life.

I personally don't believe that an abusive relationship is a gift. I don't believe that any good comes out of it. However, I'm adamant that I want to learn from my mistakes and not let the same thing happen again. That's made me work on things like assertiveness skills, boundaries etc.

CoasterRider- I didn't think your initial post was a rant. I actually smiled when I saw it because I've experienced those feelings too... the anger, the frustration... all of it! It was very emotionally validating to read!

I like the imagery you use to describe how you feel... the storm... being caught in the current... being lost in sea. I know what you mean... that you want to tie yourself to the pole... to be able to ground yourself and not react to someone else's B.S.

[dontknow2]

Not to take the "easy" way out. I'm inclined to think I was fine the way I was before I met him... . That's all I suppose I was attempting to assert to myself with my rant. Its just bringing myself back to the guy I knew I was over a year ago. This time just accepting some imperfection a little more and having had an opportunity to see them play out. Next go round I will tie myself I a pole when the hurricane comes in so I don't get swept out to sea. So atleast when the storm comes and goes I.e another person who isn't a good fit. Atleast I will be in the same place I was before. Instead of lost in the current.

Hi CoasterRider,

You were fine the way you were before you met him. I wasn't; I just had a good mask. Since I didn't trust myself, I would have never trusted someone else no matter how loving they were.

Absolutely, I am still pissed for his part and his massive resistance to change any f*n inch no matter how badly it hurt.

Still part of my healing process and regaining my dignity was to fight back; even though this required change for me. Maybe a poor choice but mine nonetheless.

Reading your post helped me heal. Thank you. 

[CoasterRider]

Janey: "a tendency to be too understanding and forgiving and just grateful for all that idealization... . no matter how false it feels there's a part of me that desperately wants to believe in it."

Same here girlfriend, my attempt to be logical with my emotions, and response to what is actually occurring to me not just what I think is occurring. Has always been a hallmark of mine, one I think is rare to a 28 year old in todays society, where everything is always about what happening TO me, instead of just, whats happening. However, with this attempt to seek the reality of the situation and react appropriately, I often extend myself too far and go past the real response and into codependent territory.

How can you discern between, a hurricane and a rainy day though? Especially with that idealization, jeeze when the weather has been absolutely perfect for so long, you more apt to leave the rain boots and slicker in the closet and go out unprepaired, false sense of security shurely. But then out of now where a full monsoon with gail force winds. You end up wondering how and the world you misjudged the situation so badly. Guess the old adage "if its too good to be true, than it usually is" will stick with me from now on.

Musicfan: I always know emotions are tricky, its dont really understand mine most of the time, so how can I expect someone else to figure me out. I try to paint a picture of what im feeling to make it more relateable for myself and others. Alas never worked for him though, he never wanted to see the picture, too caught up on not being able to figure himself out, and reacting to the confusion of himself none the less anything I was going through.

Dontknow: Im the opposite, Im strong and confident with who I am. Someone told me the other day "you seem to be comfortable with who you are, every time I see you, you look the same, act the same, I know what to expect when Im dealing with you." If anything I trust myself too much, and I trust others too much to do right by me, when I should be more worried about doing right by myself.

that was ultimately why I couldnt put up with it anymore, I can handle alot when I think the person is acting with my best interest in mind, when I cant trust them to make decisions for both of us. I take that authority away. Thats when it went into the fatal skid.