After 7 months no contact, a text... What do I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm frantic.  I honestly thought it was all over. Now 7 months on, I get a text. "Are u not getting my Facebook messages or r u just not replying". I haven't been getting them because I haven't logged onto Facebook for weeks... .

I know what I should do, I know I know, but this girl also works where I used to work, with my former colleagues, people I call friends but who know nothing about her disorder... . If I don't reply she'll blacken my name to all of them... . I can't believe how a single short text has thrown everything upside down when I was starting to move on. Help please!

[brokenbutalive]

I'm frantic.  I honestly thought it was all over. Now 7 months on, I get a text. "Are u not getting my Facebook messages or r u just not replying". I haven't been getting them because I haven't logged onto Facebook for weeks... .

I know what I should do, I know I know, but this girl also works where I used to work, with my former colleagues, people I call friends but who know nothing about her disorder... . If I don't reply she'll blacken my name to all of them... . I can't believe how a single short text has thrown everything upside down when I was starting to move on. Help please!

[janey62]

Hi brokenbutalive,

I feel for you, I really do, its awful after all that time to get this message... . but, There are no 'buts' here, you will get reeled back in if you respond.  You know this.  In answering her question you go right back to justifying on the basis of feeling guilty, remember that?

It doesn't matter what she says to your ex colleagues about you.  Better they think, probably for only a moment, badly of you and then dismiss it - I bet they know her - than that you go back down that road into hell... .

It is all over, if you want it to be?  She only has the power that you allow her to have over you. 

I suggest you sit down and write a cons list, starting with the cons! What was it like being in that relationship?  Try to remember why you're not in it now and haven't been for 7 months.

Be strong, don't get reeled in; it will pass.  Sending you a big 

Janey xx

[Lizlo]

Hit delete.   You're in control now.  Don't give your power over so easily.  There isn't a single thing she can do to you... you've come so far.  People say a lot about themselves when they "blacken" or "tint" another individual.  Your own character and the relationship you have with those colleagues will determine the outcome of your relationship with them, NOT the content of your ex girlfriends conversation. 

She KNOWS how you react to her.  It's that on-demand reply that she thrives on.  Don't give her the satisfaction.  This time, satisfy YOUR NEED.

[Dog biscuit]

Just dont reply, it is really that simple! Stay out of it and remember why the r/s is over. You are not obliged to respond to the text.

[Dog biscuit]

Just dont reply, it is really that simple! Stay out of it and remember why the r/s is over. You are not obliged to respond to the text.

Try to hold on to your path.

if this text is stirring up strong emotions, just imagine what strong reactions you will experience when you start to engage in this conversation again, by responding.

Hang in there!

[Ironmanrises]

Do not respond. Your future self will thank you if you follow the lesser of two evils by not responding. Your silence becomes an invisible boundary that will protect you. Hang in there.

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't respond. Block her in every which way... . From your mobile phone, Facebook, email, etc. Had you done that from the outset you wouldn't  have this hassle now. Avoid future hassles and block. You've come so far... . Why ruin it?

[willtimeheal]

Delete it

[Pretty Woman]

Do not respond.

The worst thing you can do is respond to her. She has probably tanked with another suitor and is looking for supply, or she is looking to triangulate, or she is just bored and looking to mess with you.

Don't worry about  your former co-workers. People are not stupid, trust me. I am sure they have picked up on her quirks and craziness.

Keep us posted and stay strong!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi alive, it's perfectly natural for you to feel frantic about receiving this text. And your feeling worried about having your name dragged in the mud at your old workplace are valid too.

You can respond to her asking whether you're not responding to her messages by not responding to her text. She can connect the dots. 

As to your friends at the old workplace, if they're your friends, they probably know you well. Her less about you will reflect more poorly on her than they will you.

If I may ask, what were your initial feelings when you saw her text? You said that you thought it was over. What keeps you from thinking it has to be any different from the last 7 months of calm (or at least no contact)?

[Moonie75]

Have you now logged in & read the Facebook messages?

[Perfidy]

BBA... . Your associates are adults right? They probably know enough that they would consider the source if she started talking ill of you. Most of the time these kinds of things upset us a little because we are still holding on. If it was a matter of just being bothered, that is easy enough to ignore. Kind of sounds like you still haven't decided to let it be over, which  is understandable. Your feelings won't just go away. It takes time.

I remain zero contact for me. I have feelings. I want nothing to do with the pwBPD that was in my life. I choose my self and won't be changed. I don't care if she says anything bad about me. I wouldn't like it but I would understand the source. I know who I am and that's enough for me.

[Spartan999]

What I take notice of,  is how casual the contact usually is... .   like,  'hey,  I'm talking to you,  what's up'... .   and yet, once they get their fix,  they can and WILL drop the dialogue like a  R O C K ... .   doesn't seem like it does it.    Please keep us posted in the weeks ahead.    No good will come of the contact while you are still in this state of despair... . but it is normal,  the same reaction would happen to me...    Your dilemma,  would be my dilemma... . even over a year out.   And been contacted like that 3 times in the past,  super nonchalant casual... . spooky nonchalant.

[asher2]

What is it with the 7 month mark? A thread a couple of weeks ago described someone getting a random text 7 months to the day of last contact. That exact same thing happened to me. It's probably coincidence, but it is odd!

I agree with everyone else, especially the person who commented that silence creates an invisible boundary that protects you. I like that idea a lot and agree with it. NC is for you to recover and heal. For me personally, staying away from her completely since November 1, 2012 has been the best decision I've made in the long process of healing. 

[winston72]

Spartan999, that ride up and sudden drop is a killer.  The text would raise my hopes and those hopes now carry with them the visceral experience of being dropped.  Therein was/is the anxiety.  I had linked elation/hope with pain/despair. 

Often times I would negotiate with myself that I could navigate a fine line with her to experience the elation and avoid the pain and dumping.  Ha!  I can still tread those pathways as I type this.  We are funny creatures.  For me, learning to "see" her as a whole person, as I would phrase it, has been my path forward.  By seeing her as both of these experiences interwoven, I calmed down.  Somehow thinking that the two (elation/pain) were separate was alluring and exhilarating. 

BBA, I agree with the other posters... . what she might say to colleagues is not something you can control and not worthy as an object of concern.  And, her message to you is quite aggressive!  Not exactly a warm effort to reconnect!  What do you want?  It is your choice.  Your emotional reaction is a lever to open you up to your own emotions... . an opportunity for insight.  Make good use of it.

[Tolou]

Don't respond, you will regret it and regress.  It's not worth it.

I work with ex, who I suspect has BPD.  She has blackened my name or attempted to.  I am still no contact almost 8 months, I completely ignored her.  Even-though she did that, it was difficult at first but eventually people see through all that.  Don't worry about what someone says behind your back, only what is said to your face.

stay no-contact, or pain will start again... .

[Spartan999]

Dead on Winston !     

[brokenbutalive]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Goddammit I love this family of ours. I didn't respond to the text and moonie yes I did check out the original messages on Facebook. First one was a simple 'hey what's up', the second one said 'are you coming home in March' (I'm on a one year working holiday in Australia, which I did to get away from her, and my visa expires shortly). So clearly she's trying to hook me in so that it can all start again when I return. Never gonna happen, even though seeing her name appear on my phone as a text message still thrills me like no other. It sickens me at the same time  what a crazy ride this is

[outside9x]

Hi Everyone says NC, and after 8 months and some contact he and there and her contact me once imploring that she realizes it was her and she trying to figure out why she does that and she was evil and mean and she loves me, I almost agreed to meet her.  But an hour later I was so afraid, and I was in a good relationship.  Not only did I not want to ruin that, I was afraid, but yet wanted so badly to connect and said to myself, BPD usually don't admit they are wrong,(Justifying the meeting)  but I remember how badly she treated me, and the scorn , and the harsh words, the yelling and screaming, and hitting, then the next day wanting me to make love to her, wow, what power I gave her.  Yes, she was a charmer, and hot.

But I was afraid to meet her.  She  was not happy I refused, she kept on insisting and it was hard.  But I did it.  But NC is the best.  My fault I let that happen.  I guess in a way I got some closure.

I tell you this so you know it is hard, like one person said, but it is the right thing to do for YOU! She will only revert back and punish you even more.  I know, we had several break ups. 

You can never win, and its not about winning, its her sickness, and nothing you will do can change that.  Only her, and I know we all think if we just remain calm during the storms and don't take it personal.  Do you really want to live like that?   

This might help.  It help me, and I still struggle at times.  I think, could I ever do that to another person, whether I loved them or not.  COuld I ever do it.  Would I expect that person to stay with me, and never apologize once and even act out more. Make up stuff.  The answer is NO!  So what makes you thing that a person who could do these terrible things to someone they love, change.  If they were ok, it would never have happen.  Sure people make mistakes but this is a CONSTANT.  No, they miss youonly for all you did for them.  Not because they love you.  Unless she says she is in serious treatment like DBT, and is truly sincere.  DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTIONS FORCE YOU BACK.  I know it is so so hard, they can be so alluring and charming.  And you, are a loving person.  DO NOT DO IT!

[santa]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Goddammit I love this family of ours. I didn't respond to the text and moonie yes I did check out the original messages on Facebook. First one was a simple 'hey what's up', the second one said 'are you coming home in March' (I'm on a one year working holiday in Australia, which I did to get away from her, and my visa expires shortly). So clearly she's trying to hook me in so that it can all start again when I return. Never gonna happen, even though seeing her name appear on my phone as a text message still thrills me like no other. It sickens me at the same time  what a crazy ride this is

Good work, dude. You handled it perfectly.

[Clearmind]

No contact does not help us detach. What is it that is keeping the hook alive?

We need to get to a stage of complete indifference.

[Murbay]

If I don't reply she'll blacken my name to all of them... .

brokenbutalive,

It must be very difficult for you to receive this text after all this time. It is unfair on you to have that projected back on you and you are well within your rights not to respond or even acknowledge any facebook messages either, the moment the r/s ended it was no longer any of her business what you do and don't do and you shouldn't feel any guilt for not responding.

As for your comment above, it is a thought we all go through and something that keeps us hooked. In truth it is a form of abuse and emotional blackmail and something I navigated on a number of occasions. I had my exBPDw tell me that I needed to apologise to members of her family because they were angry with me. Logic said there was nothing for them to be angry about because I had done nothing wrong, the reality was the twisted stories they were being fed. As a person who doesn't like to anger people or if I do, seeks to resolve any issues I went back specifically to address what was being put on me.

Part of that is ego, you want to be seen in a good light, especially when you know you haven't done anything to upset or offend anyone.

The reality is very different. You have no control over what other people think, say or do just as they have no control over what you think, say or do. If someone wants to be angry at you for something then that's for them. All you can do is address the situation and try and find some kind of resolve. If you have said something to offend, then you are free to apologise but that is strictly between you and them and nobody else should ever be involved.

In terms of your ex, if she wants to spread lies and stories about you, that is her choice to make and you should not allow her to have that element of control over you. If your ex colleagues or friends chose to believe her over knowing you, that is their decision and their choice to make and you cannot control the outcome. If someone chooses to believe her and turns against you without speaking to you then they weren't really the friend you thought they were and you are probably best off without them in your life right now.

You will find that friends, family and colleagues who know you will see straight through the lies and mud spreading and see her for who she truly is. The trick is not to find yourself getting involved in her games because then they still have that element of control and know what to do in future to hook you again.

My exBPDw tried to turn my family against me, I said nothing, I didn't fight or argue my point and she exposed herself for who she was. She did the same thing with her T too and he saw through her to the point he is my T now. She tried it with my ex and my friends. I lost a couple of friends as a result but like I say, I'm better off without them in my life right now. If they realise they were conned and come back some day I will welcome them with open arms, afterall my exBPDw had me conned too which is part of the reason why I ended up in the r/s in the first place so I can't fault anyone else who fell for it too, it just means right now I won't allow myself to be drawn into the drama.

So in other words, don't be afraid of what you think she can and can't do, just keep control of yourself and stay strong. You have done amazingly well in your progress so far, just keep the focus on your own healing and keep taking those steps forward to a better and brighter future  

[santa]

Realistically, if she were going to blacken your name, it would have happened already.

[mgl210]

Hey Broken,

Man, I remember that moment. I was so thrilled when my former contacted me after a long absence. I though over and over that this time it would work out for me and her. It did, for a short time and when I say short time. I mean SHORT. It seemed like everything would be perfectly okay, and for awhile it was. Sure, there were minor disagreements here and there, but what couple doesn't? She still had her moments when it seemed like it was really going to work. SADLY, though here I am now, about to Jan 31st and it didn't work. She left me again on Jan 13th closing out a text message that said I will talk to you later.

I won't tell you to not contact her, because that is ultimately your decision. I know how love is a tricky thing that you are damned if you do and darned if you don't. You gotta do what you think is best for you buddy. I am here if you wanna talk about it. I am still hurting from all these recycles that she has done in my life and I don't know what I will do when the time comes(and it will) when she comes back again... .

MG

[brokenbutalive]

Thank you. All of you.

[ucmeicu2]

I know what I should do, I know I know, but this girl also works where I used to work, with my former colleagues, people I call friends but who know nothing about her disorder... . If I don't reply she'll blacken my name to all of them... . I can't believe how a single short text has thrown everything upside down when I was starting to move on. Help please!

underlined, bolded and in italics,

what do you think you should do?

i'll tell you my experience:  while she was in r/s with me, painted me white to me, she was simultaneously painting me black to the most significant people in her life.  not only was that extremely painful for me when i found out (!), it also taught me that she's a snake in the grass (no offense, Perfidy)... . a disordered person of whom it's pretty darn hard (read:impossible) to make sense out of nonsense.

protect yourself, BBA.