Breaking no contact. Is this a bad idea?

[cm2012]

I've had NC with my stbx BPD h for 3 months. He still sends me emails and voice mails that I do not respond to. This morning I received one in which he said he believes my attorney must be advising me not to respond to him. Then he started to go on in a sentimental tone about how much he misses me and that maybe I've dated other people and been disappointed, as he has. I stopped listening to the message at that point (about 1/3rd of the way through.)

My feeling right now is to respond and tell him that it's not my attorney that's advising me, it's my decision to not have any contact. And that I haven't dated anyone else, so that's not the reason for my silence, either. That's all I would say. I'm not sure if I just want to stand up for myself, or if I'm wanting to rub salt in his wounds, or if I'm trying to get the point across that blaming my attorney, or the idea that I'm seeing someone else, is just another way of not blaming himself.

I stopped listening to his message when he started saying something about being broken (or shattered or something like that.) I had to stop because that's the point that I began to feel sorry for him. And thinking that maybe things are so bad that he might be willing to look at himself instead of blaming everyone else. 

[seeking balance]

Well, why are you no contact right now?

Legally, attorneys do like it if you can limit contact, keeps things cleaner... . even if your attorney didn't say it, does it hurt you to let him simply think that?

If you talked to him - would it help him or you or hurt?

[CoasterRider]

Id say let it be, he's trying to see if the emotional hooks are still implanted... . are they?

[fromheeltoheal]

If you've decided the marriage is over and you don't want to be with him, you don't owe him any explanations.  

It would be good to look at your motivations for wanting to stand up for yourself, rub salt in his wounds, or get him to take responsibility.  Standing up for yourself and wanting retribution are natural, healthy responses to the crap a borderline pulls, and we've all wanted validation and/or closure that we didn't get.  The downside is that reengaging with someone with a personality disorder just reignites the crazy, ends up hurting more, and we never get what we wanted or needed.

Better to focus on the legal stuff to end the marriage and start shifting the focus from him to you and your future without him.  We end up getting the validation we need elsewhere and create our own closure as we detach and heal.

[cm2012]

Thanks, all.

I'm wanting something I'm not going to get. Whether or not it's for me or him, it doesn't matter.

Still so hard to get that through my head.

[heartandwhole]

Hi cm2012,

It's really understandable to feel all those things, it takes time to get through all the stuff that gets dragged up by a painful breakup.  Naturally, you want your ex to understand you, I know I did, and it was painful when he didn't seem to be able to. 

At three months, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have listened to messages like that without getting pretty agitated.  Do you think listening/reading his messages could be making your recovery more challenging?

Just food for thought.  We're here for you, cm2012. 

[Changingman]

You sound pretty together for 3 months, it's hard but keep going. Shrug your shoulders, murmur nutter under you breath and focus on your goals.

Good luck

[cm2012]

heartandwhole -

Not listening to the messages is a real challenge. But I think I'm making progress. I stopped listening midway through his message this morning when I got to the part where I started to feel sorry for him. I went back a few hours later and listened to the rest of it and that was a good thing because he couldn't help himself and leave it at the thoughts that brought out my sympathy. He had to go into blame and manipulation. Even though it was subtle, I'm so much better at recognizing it.

On the same topic - this might help someone: I inadvertently did not listen to his messages for over 2 months. Only because I didn't know they were in my inbox. I had created an email rule and had mistakenly sent his messages to a folder I didn't check. (he does not have my phone number, so email is the only way he can communicate with me and sends voice recordings to my email.)

So, after thinking that he had not been contacting me (which was a relief, just because I didn't have to deal with it,) I discovered all these emails that I had to decide whether or not to listen to. I started out tentatively, choosing the ones that I thought would be about practical matters only. As I got to the personal ones I found that I was much more objective as I listened to them, then I would have been if I hadn't had the months with no contact at all.

I think NC made me stand back from it enough that when I finally did listen to the messages they had far less impact on me than if I had exposed myself to a steady dose of it.

Don't know if that helps anyone, but that's my take on it. Now if I can be clear enough on the benefit of NC to ignore the messages when I know they're there. Yup - that's the challenge. Maybe I'll make an email folder named "These are not good for you!" 

[seeking balance]

I think NC made me stand back from it enough that when I finally did listen to the messages they had far less impact on me than if I had exposed myself to a steady dose of it.

This is exactly the purpose of NC - give enough space to be mindful (not reactive) when/if there is contact... . you hung up 1/2 through - that right there is a big reality check for how well you truly are doing.

It sounds like you had a bit of that Guilt/Obligation button pushed and you are handling it quite well 

[Murbay]

cm2012,

NC is a very difficult process to keep on top of and judging by your post, you are doing an outstanding job of it right now and should be proud of how far you have come 

In terms of breaking NC being a bad idea, only you can make that decision on what is best for you. You have come a long way in your healing and as SB has said, it is to give you space to be mindful and to heal.

It allows us to break those ties and see the other person through neutral eyes whilst being far enough away to see the bigger picture. For some people, the hurt is too much to ever maintain contact and for others we know there is always a chance our ex may pull us back in to the crazy world in which they live.

I know for me, Therapy has been a blessing in being able to see what was truly going on through my marriage and to understand the implications of ever maintaining contact with my exBPDw. I was also fortunate in that my T was initially her T so was able to see the bigger picture. Our marriage was over in 2011 and I kept going back to the abuse. T helped me realise that she was the instigator in all of it and certainly wasn't a victim. I have no shame in admitting I was played by sweet words and innocence.

So after a year of NC, she still contacts me every month, starts innocent, then comes the helpless victim begging for a response. Finally, the nasty abusive side surfaces. It serves to remind me that I made the right choice in remaining NC and that no matter how much I wish her happiness and that she finds what she is looking for, I know she never will. She is the same person that she was during the marriage and at the end and she won't ever be any different.

Is breaking NC a bad idea? There is no right or wrong answer and depends on the person you are. It depends on how strong you are in yourself as that is the most important part of being you. It depends on how far you have come through the healing process and it depends on what you feel you could accomplish by opening that door again. You already stated that you are wanting something you are never going to get, so I think you have answered that question for yourself 

A year on and I read the e-mails from my exBPDw, simply because it might mention something about the kids in there. It never does, it's all about her and how difficult things are for her. I have detached enough that I can actually laugh at the insanity that once kept drawing me back in but I can tell you it still affects me emotionally and for that reason I don't think I will ever break NC with her because to me, I'm worth far more than that.

[santa]

I think it's a bad idea.

[CoasterRider]

I like what people have said about getting to the point you can be objective about any contact/emails etc. I reactivated my FB for a minute and looked back over months worth of messages, didnt seem like a great idea, but in reality. I was able to see a patter of sort of shallow, lazy communication. Where almost weekly, my ex would question me about who I was talking to on FB or whether I had heard from people from my past, he was so terrified I would leave him.

Looking back I can see just how much I put up with as far as distrust. A Relationship can never last without trust... . Helps put things into perspective.