I don't know what to say or what is up with me...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I hope you guys can forgive my wishy-washiness and honestly I feel like I am going crazy right along with him. To recap, I caught him in a lie last Friday night about where he was. He was not at the bar he said he was at, at that given time, although he did eventually go there. I did hear from him the whole night via text but was still weird that he did not tell me he got to the bar, M's, until way later after he really got there. I suspect he has something going on with the bartender at M's (emotional or other) and that is why I figured he didn't tell me. She was working that night. To his credit, he did text me the whole night, when he got home, etc... . but he DID lie several times about his whereabouts.

The following day, I went to his house to confront (very maturely I did, I was nervous, had a hard time talking, I never raised my voice or anything, i was really a wreck) to ask what was going on, etc... and also express some other concerns I had with the relationship (instability, he keeps breaking up, etc... ) It did not go well, not at all. He got VERY defensive, turned it all on me (as I was warned), threw it all in my face, ranted, etc... and so I left. I then got a string of pretty nasty texts.  Then that next day, Sunday, he comes here and acts like all is fine, takes me to look at homes to move into, cars to trade for him, and we game plan for our future. Silly me thinks he is over it and I just "forget" he lied   and am happy that he seems to have finally seen the light. All of the good continues until Tuesday morning. He proceeds to message me that I "messed him up", no one has ever accused him that way, I made him feel terrible, etc... that he gets why I had concerns about our stability, but that he doesnt understand why I questioned him about where he was/when, when he was texting me the whole night.  Then he says he is not right for me, he cannot commit and give me what I need and deserve because he is not normal and that he feels he is abandoning his small kids 500 miles away, by moving on with me, so he breaks up.

On Wednesday he sends me this message saying we can still talk, be friends, communicate, etc... and not much else is said. Then yesterday he messages me "Good morning luv, I miss you"... . then reaches out several times during the day and I end up caught in a conversation with him. He calls me to ask if I can make something for his work (business I own we make signs, etc... ) then gets off. Then he messages asking to see me this weekend-he wants to come here to see me, then us to go to the dress up event we had planned on Saturday. I guess in my broken heartedness, I got excited and accepted... . then he calls me again (this is odd bc he does NOT call me hardly ever) Well on the phone we have general chit chat, then he brings up last Saturday night again and this time he rages at me. First time he has ever yelled at me like that. He says he wants to know "WHO or WHAT motivated me to confront him on Saturday" He said "That is not like you, I know you very well and someone or something caused you to do that and I want to know what it was" "I no longer trust you until you tell me why you did that" ":)ont give me any BS answers... I want to know why" "We are no longer progressing until you tell me the truth as to why you did that"

I don't know what to tell him? I can't tell him I was suspicious bc I have no proof of anything, just suspicion based on the weird stuff he was doing on FB for the past 2 mos (which ironically has stopped). I told him that it made me feel weird that he said he was in one place but was at another and he said he was drunk and got the times wrong and wants me to tell him why I did that.

I am confused. I thought I was done, now I want to fix it?  What do I say? How did I get back into this place again? This is the craziest situation ever. I hate this and how it feels. I don't know what I can say to him that will quell his questions without it being turned on me anyway. I don't want to say I had a suspicion about "her"... . but what else do I say or do?  I don't know what I can say that he will accept-I dont know what he wants me to say. Please help and I am sorry I am non stop about this. I want to fix it all. I feel like I should have never went down there and that I ruined everything.

[sadinnc98]

I hope you guys can forgive my wishy-washiness and honestly I feel like I am going crazy right along with him. To recap, I caught him in a lie last Friday night about where he was. He was not at the bar he said he was at, at that given time, although he did eventually go there. I did hear from him the whole night via text but was still weird that he did not tell me he got to the bar, M's, until way later after he really got there. I suspect he has something going on with the bartender at M's (emotional or other) and that is why I figured he didn't tell me. She was working that night. To his credit, he did text me the whole night, when he got home, etc... . but he DID lie several times about his whereabouts.

The following day, I went to his house to confront (very maturely I did, I was nervous, had a hard time talking, I never raised my voice or anything, i was really a wreck) to ask what was going on, etc... and also express some other concerns I had with the relationship (instability, he keeps breaking up, etc... ) It did not go well, not at all. He got VERY defensive, turned it all on me (as I was warned), threw it all in my face, ranted, etc... and so I left. I then got a string of pretty nasty texts.  Then that next day, Sunday, he comes here and acts like all is fine, takes me to look at homes to move into, cars to trade for him, and we game plan for our future. Silly me thinks he is over it and I just "forget" he lied   and am happy that he seems to have finally seen the light. All of the good continues until Tuesday morning. He proceeds to message me that I "messed him up", no one has ever accused him that way, I made him feel terrible, etc... that he gets why I had concerns about our stability, but that he doesnt understand why I questioned him about where he was/when, when he was texting me the whole night.  Then he says he is not right for me, he cannot commit and give me what I need and deserve because he is not normal and that he feels he is abandoning his small kids 500 miles away, by moving on with me, so he breaks up.

On Wednesday he sends me this message saying we can still talk, be friends, communicate, etc... and not much else is said. Then yesterday he messages me "Good morning luv, I miss you"... . then reaches out several times during the day and I end up caught in a conversation with him. He calls me to ask if I can make something for his work (business I own we make signs, etc... ) then gets off. Then he messages asking to see me this weekend-he wants to come here to see me, then us to go to the dress up event we had planned on Saturday. I guess in my broken heartedness, I got excited and accepted... . then he calls me again (this is odd bc he does NOT call me hardly ever) Well on the phone we have general chit chat, then he brings up last Saturday night again and this time he rages at me. First time he has ever yelled at me like that. He says he wants to know "WHO or WHAT motivated me to confront him on Saturday" He said "That is not like you, I know you very well and someone or something caused you to do that and I want to know what it was" "I no longer trust you until you tell me why you did that" ":)ont give me any BS answers... I want to know why" "We are no longer progressing until you tell me the truth as to why you did that"

I don't know what to tell him? I can't tell him I was suspicious bc I have no proof of anything, just suspicion based on the weird stuff he was doing on FB for the past 2 mos (which ironically has stopped). I told him that it made me feel weird that he said he was in one place but was at another and he said he was drunk and got the times wrong and wants me to tell him why I did that.

I am confused. I thought I was done, now I want to fix it?  What do I say? How did I get back into this place again? This is the craziest situation ever. I hate this and how it feels. I don't know what I can say to him that will quell his questions without it being turned on me anyway. I don't want to say I had a suspicion about "her"... . but what else do I say or do?  I don't know what I can say that he will accept-I dont know what he wants me to say. Please help and I am sorry I am non stop about this. I want to fix it all. I feel like I should have never went down there and that I ruined everything.

[Dog biscuit]

hey Sadinc, you dont have to answers those qeustions. There will not be an.answer that will satisfy him, that you can provide. It feels, from what you wrote, that he is cornering you and building up the pressure. There is a chance that the answers you will give him, will backfire on you.

It  feels as if gou feel guilty for not answering his intrusive questions, you dont have to answer, really!

[fromheeltoheal]

You are on the leaving board; are you leaving, staying or undecided?

[sadinnc98]

You are on the leaving board; are you leaving, staying or undecided?

I was pretty sure I was leaving... . now I am confused... I dont know  :'(

[sadinnc98]

I know this is going no where. I dont know where to post or where I belong bc I am so torn.

[jynx]

Wow!  If that wasn't the one of the best performances of push, pull, deny, blame, accuse, turn it around to you, don't you ever question me, you need to walk on eggshells around me, I am always right, I tell you what to think and feel, few days, I don't know what is.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

I've gone through all of this.  He is now putting you in the spot of justifying yourself, which you can never do, because no answers you give will be ok.  When I went through this, I realized that I needed, wanted validation.  You do know that you don't have to justify anything, and that if you do not feel good in a relationship that you can leave it at anytime.  He does not have to agree with you, you don't need his permission.

I'm a newbie here, so take what you can and leave the rest.

My best to you.

[Perfidy]

Sad... . Change your name to happy. Make the split. You know you want to. The r/s is dead. The body hasn't hit the floor yet.

[Tincup]

I have to agree with what jynx said.  The pwBPD has turning things around on us down to an art form where we REALLY start to believe it.  I am really starting to feel for people with BPD as it has to be a horrible way to live.

[fromheeltoheal]

What worked for me is to do something radically different; I went on a road trip with some friends and got 800 miles from home.  It's difficult to think straight, to see the forest for the trees, when you're stuck in it.  If you go somewhere, do something different, and definitely don't talk to him, leave the smartphone at home even, for at least a few days, your focus will change and you may be able to be more objective about your decision making.  We look forward to updates!

[myself]

The pwBPD has turning things around on us down to an art form where we REALLY start to believe it.  I am really starting to feel for people with BPD as it has to be a horrible way to live.

^^^ They turn it around so we feel bad for them, too.

They know what they're doing, that they lie, cheat, and do whatever it takes to get their way.

Sadinnc98, fix yourself first. That will help you make many good decisions.

[winston72]

Hey Sad, so sorry for your anxiety and confusion.  

I think Jynx pretty well summed up what has happened here.  In reading your posts, I think you would agree, as you have been saying so along the way.  As to "why" you feel confused right now, I would offer my experience and observation of people on this board.  Your SO is very conflicted, confusing, contradictory in his behavior and thoughts.  No need to comment on BPD or anything, just his pattern of behavior and conversation is intensely confused.  When I am vulnerable to my ex, and when I read about others here in the same state, I engage their logic and try to move with them emotionally.  And, as a consequence, I get dizzy from the spinning confusion.  It is like talking to someone on one of those little playground merry-go-rounds, realizing you can't have a conversation while they are spinning and you are not, so you jump on the merry-go-round yourself and start talking.  When you get off you are so dizzy you cannot stand up... . and then you ask, "What happened?"

Lots of good comments on this post.  May I suggest that you pause, look inside and determine what you need in the very next moment.  :)o you need silence?  Exercise?  Whatever it is, move in that direction.  Look within, seek calmness and insight.  You did not ruin anything.  You do not need to fix anything.  You do need to do what gets you to a place where you are less confused, a bit more at peace and have a sense of control over your own life... . and all of this is achievable in short order.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you guys-you all help me so much. I went out and took a drive to clear my head... . stepped back and looked in. This is not a r/s... not an adult mature relationship. This is a man who tells me often that he is "punishing me"... . for trivial things and he does it for months on end... taunts and torments... .   I am thinking about taking a little getaway this weekend just to think. 

[fromheeltoheal]

It is like talking to someone on one of those little playground merry-go-rounds, realizing you can't have a conversation while they are spinning and you are not, so you jump on the merry-go-round yourself and start talking.  When you get off you are so dizzy you cannot stand up... . and then you ask, "What happened?"

Very nice metaphor winston, totally applicable.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you guys-you all help me so much. I went out and took a drive to clear my head... . stepped back and looked in. This is not a r/s... not an adult mature relationship. This is a man who tells me often that he is "punishing me"... . for trivial things and he does it for months on end... taunts and torments... .   I am thinking about taking a little getaway this weekend just to think. 

There you go!   

[babyducks]

People with BPD argue to engage you in their chaos, and as an outlet for their internal conflict.  Not to resolve an issue.

Don't JADE.  Justify, argue, defend or,explain.

This sounds like an attempt on his part to offload his conflicted feelings.  

Not about you.

[seeking balance]

Detaching is a process - many people get on the merry-go-round more times just to make sure they really are done.  IF you are going to be in communication with him at all, I strongly suggest reading lessons (not posting there, but the lessons) in staying so you can truly understand what you are dealing with and do your part to make the situation better.

If you are done - really done; look within (going away is great) to get a very honest inventory of your emotional space (look to the right on the 5 stages of detachment).  It helped me  a lot when I accepted that I was way too vulnerable for contact with my ex for a while - I was too raw and I couldn't stay balanced so I had to take care of ME.

Hang in there, it really is a process.

Peace,

SB

[Perfidy]

Sad, I don't like to call you sad,

Trust is a must. Without trust there is only emptiness. I really feel for you. You want to avoid the pain but it just keeps coming. It hurts, I know this. I've experienced it. I often wished that I could just flip the switch like pwBPD are capable of. I know I'm not built like that. I know I have feelings and I'm capable of loving and caring about others. I know that I can be vulnerable. I know that I can hurt and suffer. The only way for me to heal is to detach completely. Enjoy your getaway.

[Tincup]

Nice use of the merry go round example.  In all my other relationships I have had I simply waited for them to get off the merry go round.  Usually it was a short ride, and we could then talk things through.  With my pwBPD she never got off the merry go round so i had to get on if we were to "talk" (if that is what you want to call it).

[sadinnc98]

He just sent a Facebook message telling me he is going to miss all of our favorite places in my town. UGH.  :'(  What was the purpose of that? Im going to try to go out tonight on my own.

[Take2]

The purpose of that was to make sure you stay available to him.  Under his control... .

Go away - think about what you want.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been DONE but then wound up back with my ex - it's wildly difficult to break the bonds when I work with the guy... .    but time to yourself can only do you good... .    Here's hoping it helps!

[sadinnc98]

Just as an update, he messaged me to check on me about 1 AM... . and I kept it very simple, one word answers... . but then he threw in the comments of me "confronting him like a cheater"... which I assume was to bait me for a fight... . I just ignored it. I think NC is going to have to be the way to go bc it messed me up and I was up all night... again. :'(  I cant believe it, ut I actually feel sad that he seems done for good this time.

[jynx]

I think you did real good. 

I saw where you said that he "punishes" you.  My ex actually said that to me the first time he ran away from home.  It was over something really stupid that he twisted around to blame me for.  I was going to get a haircut this day, and my ex just walked in with the mail.  He opened up his bank statement and saw that the check he deposited from our son had bounced, he went into a rage, I asked him to calm down, that there could be a reason for this, that I had to go out then, but when I came back we could discuss this.  It was Labor Day weekend.  He left while I was out on Friday, came back Tuesday night, and told me he had to punish me because I was irrational when I was raging about our son being irresponsible. 

I no I didn't have to add in that little tidbit above, I just want you to know that I know how irrational they can sound and how they twist things around. 

So, you did good.  Try to do something for yourself today, and shut off your phone.

[sadinnc98]

I think you did real good. 

I saw where you said that he "punishes" you.  My ex actually said that to me the first time he ran away from home.  It was over something really stupid that he twisted around to blame me for.  I was going to get a haircut this day, and my ex just walked in with the mail.  He opened up his bank statement and saw that the check he deposited from our son had bounced, he went into a rage, I asked him to calm down, that there could be a reason for this, that I had to go out then, but when I came back we could discuss this.  It was Labor Day weekend.  He left while I was out on Friday, came back Tuesday night, and told me he had to punish me because I was irrational when I was raging about our son being irresponsible. 

I no I didn't have to add in that little tidbit above, I just want you to know that I know how irrational they can sound and how they twist things around. 

So, you did good.  Try to do something for yourself today, and shut off your phone.

Yes, he tells me verbatim that he punishes me for things... little insignficant things that he will hang on to for months on end... .   That type of activity you described is exactly something my ex would do too... . you are calm/rational/sensible and he is not. They can't be it seems.

[Take2]

Yes, he tells me verbatim that he punishes me for things... little insignficant things that he will hang on to for months on end... .   That type of activity you described is exactly something my ex would do too... . you are calm/rational/sensible and he is not. They can't be it seems.

Me too... . it's gone on for years - the punishments.  He doesn't forget any instance of his alleged mistreatment.

Mine was busted lying to me for the Nth time last week about someone new he is dating - apparently exclusively.  Yet he lied to me for the month prior trying to get back together with me.  And when I found out and called him out?  Yep, he raged and blamed me and blocked me on his phone.  He sent me abusive accusatory instant messages on work property (which our HR has access to) accusing me of totally made up lies to make me appear like I am a horrible person (actually accused me of threatening a small child!  complete absurdity.)  My shocked responses only made me appear equally crazy because I was so stunned and he got the outraged response he was looking for.  Ugh.

Not responding is the best policy... .  

[jynx]

I went through 27 yrs of this stuff, it wasn't that bad in the beginning, probably because when we got married we lived with my mom because my dad just died and she couldn't afford the bills.  His "mask" came off when we bought our house.  There were flags there the whole time, but they weren't that frequent back then.  From the day we moved into our own house all h3ll broke loose.

I wanted to tell you that since I also noticed you are looking at houses together.  These r/s aren't r/s, they are a one way ticket to h3ll.  I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, even my worst enemy.  It just sucks the life out of you, you keep doing and doing and doing for them to try to get them not to explode, but they explode anyway.  They are emotional vampires.  By the time they are done with you, you have nothing left to give them anymore, and you have less then nothing to give yourself.  They just sucked you dry.  

It's hard not to pick up the phone, or to read an email, or a text.  You are always hoping that they came to their senses, and that they love you.  If you get one of those, it is because he is trying to suck you back into h3ll.

One thing that I did whenever I got an urge to call him was to play old vm's from him, or read old text.  They were all the same.  Angry and blaming, then with shaking hands, I would put the phone down and walk away.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

The most painful punishment for a borderline is to be abandoned.  Just sayin'... .

[sadinnc98]

The most painful punishment for a borderline is to be abandoned.  Just sayin'... .

He messaged me this morning telling me that he was going to miss our fave breakfast place... I did not respond so then he asks if I am ignoring him. I guess that makes sense. I just responded back that I was hurting and then of course he didnt reply bc I guess he got what he needed to hear? That i am sad over him? 

[fromheeltoheal]

The most painful punishment for a borderline is to be abandoned.  Just sayin'... .

He messaged me this morning telling me that he was going to miss our fave breakfast place... I did not respond so then he asks if I am ignoring him. I guess that makes sense. I just responded back that I was hurting and then of course he didnt reply bc I guess he got what he needed to hear? That i am sad over him? 

The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline attaches to people to feel whole.  If you're 'hurting' he still has emotional hooks in you, the attachment is still there, the abandonment fears are soothed for the moment, so he's good.

It will never be about you, you're an attachment object.  Did you say you were going somewhere different this weekend?

[jynx]

Don't even try to think about what he might be thinking.  It can make you "nuts".

In my situation I found out that yesterday was yesterday, today is today.  He couldn't understand why I might be upset or sad about yesterday.  He took it as rejection, and I was painted as a b!tch.  He was only trying to be nice to me, and look at what he gets for trying to be nice.  Then, and how dare you accuse him, he is the one that is hurting, you should be kissing his @ss.  

He actually told a therapist that if I say that I'm upset, that just makes him mad.

So there's a lot of things that he can be thinking, and like I said, it will make you "nuts" trying to figure it out.

Think about yourself today, (if you can remember how to do that)    :)o something nice for you today.  Get him and his voice out of your head today.   One day at a time.  

Instead of playing these head games with him, perhaps think why you might want to spend your life playing head games that you will never win.

((hugs))

[sadinnc98]

The most painful punishment for a borderline is to be abandoned.  Just sayin'... .

He messaged me this morning telling me that he was going to miss our fave breakfast place... I did not respond so then he asks if I am ignoring him. I guess that makes sense. I just responded back that I was hurting and then of course he didnt reply bc I guess he got what he needed to hear? That i am sad over him? 

The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and a borderline attaches to people to feel whole.  If you're 'hurting' he still has emotional hooks in you, the attachment is still there, the abandonment fears are soothed for the moment, so he's good.

It will never be about you, you're an attachment object.  Did you say you were going somewhere different this weekend?

Yes, I am planning to go out of town tonight-hotel with a spa, etc... . I am forcing myself-Ive had a really tough day though. This stuff sucks the life out of you!