struggling..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After a 30 relationship with my exBPD that admits 'she has it, but won't label it', so is untreated, (a psychotherapist also told me she has it,) we have had the usual textbook push and pulls, constant mirroring from her, whoever is in my life or finds me appealing she finds a way to get herself in their life, covert abuse, passive aggressive behavior, while telling me I mean the world to her, yet she lives in denial. So I have tried repeatedly to make this work, be compassionate, not be codependent or lose my dignity. Due to the latter, she enjoys me even more and tries harder than ever. For me, I still love her, but it seems like a curse I am forever indebted to because I care about her, but for the first time I can say out loud with honesty, too little too late. I also lost all trust in her. So I find it impossible to work. I am consistent with reading on this board and all the helpful books on the subject. I know how to handle this situation but I can't let go of what she's done. Plus as soon as I see a tinge of a sign to the cold, distant, devaluing, mirroring abuse I am accustomed to, I run and avoid her. I know what's around the corner, so why stick around to find out? I can't bring myself to block her on my phone or FB, yet. I know it has to be done. At times I feel like that's just feeding into her attention needs and drama, so I just don't follow her, or check her page. She is all too happy to like everything I post. As I struggle with health right now, I completely ignored her reaching to texts to check on me. I am trying my best to make a graceful exit without hurting her. All of her efforts just gives me such a state of guilt. I know it's a game to her, but I also know her good side under regulation, truly loves me. I feel like I am becoming towards her who she was as she abused me. ? I don't want to be anything like her. But the bitter feelings and the 30 scam of pretending to be someone I would desire, enrages me. Just sharing, I feel indifferent, while my heart still hurts. I was raised to believe to giving others second chances, truly loving someone dissipates as one ages, and yet I know she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. 30 years or 3 weeks, All far too unhealthy.

[Cane787]

After a 30 relationship with my exBPD that admits 'she has it, but won't label it', so is untreated, (a psychotherapist also told me she has it,) we have had the usual textbook push and pulls, constant mirroring from her, whoever is in my life or finds me appealing she finds a way to get herself in their life, covert abuse, passive aggressive behavior, while telling me I mean the world to her, yet she lives in denial. So I have tried repeatedly to make this work, be compassionate, not be codependent or lose my dignity. Due to the latter, she enjoys me even more and tries harder than ever. For me, I still love her, but it seems like a curse I am forever indebted to because I care about her, but for the first time I can say out loud with honesty, too little too late. I also lost all trust in her. So I find it impossible to work. I am consistent with reading on this board and all the helpful books on the subject. I know how to handle this situation but I can't let go of what she's done. Plus as soon as I see a tinge of a sign to the cold, distant, devaluing, mirroring abuse I am accustomed to, I run and avoid her. I know what's around the corner, so why stick around to find out? I can't bring myself to block her on my phone or FB, yet. I know it has to be done. At times I feel like that's just feeding into her attention needs and drama, so I just don't follow her, or check her page. She is all too happy to like everything I post. As I struggle with health right now, I completely ignored her reaching to texts to check on me. I am trying my best to make a graceful exit without hurting her. All of her efforts just gives me such a state of guilt. I know it's a game to her, but I also know her good side under regulation, truly loves me. I feel like I am becoming towards her who she was as she abused me. ? I don't want to be anything like her. But the bitter feelings and the 30 scam of pretending to be someone I would desire, enrages me. Just sharing, I feel indifferent, while my heart still hurts. I was raised to believe to giving others second chances, truly loving someone dissipates as one ages, and yet I know she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. 30 years or 3 weeks, All far too unhealthy.

[Welgrow]

That's hard stuff. I'm going through something similar, and although I love her and I miss her in my life I also realize that she won't be different. I have to assume she won't be different, and she hasn't done anything to prove a reason to trust. Trust is a huge mandatory for me and I let it slide with her. 30 (years?) sounds like a very long time and it makes sense to me that you are hurting and having a hard time blocking her. Good luck.