Saw him for first time since break up. Need encouragement

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I saw my ex driving down the road with some woman I'm sure is his replacement. We came from same small town and I was visiting family when I drove past him. I knew I would eventually see him. Honestly, I was ok at first. Then, it was like a delayed reaction where I woke up at 2:30 in the morning barely being able to breath and couldn't go back to sleep.

There he was in all his glory, driving around on a suspended license in a brand new Cadillac his mommy and daddy bought for him as a gift for apparently landing himself in jail for 30 days due to yet another drug charge. I've been made to be the crazy one and painted black. He gets to move on and pretend his life is all roses, and he has a nice car and nice house that he can use to pretend he is in control of his life. Little do people know, he has pissed away all his money on drugs and gambling and his parents have to pay his bills and bail him out of trouble like he's a child.

I keep reminding myself today. This person is evil and vindictive. He's almost 40 and his parents have to still pay his bills, pay his mortgage, pay for his car. He has a really good facade to people who do not know him. I keep reminding myself... . he will be just as sick with this new person as he was with me. Repeat - he is mentally ill.

It's amazing to me that he can have someone in his life already in less than a month after a 3 year relationship. I couldn't even imagine dating someone right now. I don't know why this bugs me so much today. It's a delayed reaction and I need a place to vent. I haven't cried once over the break up of our relationship but I came close today.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I saw my ex driving down the road with some woman I'm sure is his replacement. We came from same small town and I was visiting family when I drove past him. I knew I would eventually see him. Honestly, I was ok at first. Then, it was like a delayed reaction where I woke up at 2:30 in the morning barely being able to breath and couldn't go back to sleep.

There he was in all his glory, driving around on a suspended license in a brand new Cadillac his mommy and daddy bought for him as a gift for apparently landing himself in jail for 30 days due to yet another drug charge. I've been made to be the crazy one and painted black. He gets to move on and pretend his life is all roses, and he has a nice car and nice house that he can use to pretend he is in control of his life. Little do people know, he has pissed away all his money on drugs and gambling and his parents have to pay his bills and bail him out of trouble like he's a child.

I keep reminding myself today. This person is evil and vindictive. He's almost 40 and his parents have to still pay his bills, pay his mortgage, pay for his car. He has a really good facade to people who do not know him. I keep reminding myself... . he will be just as sick with this new person as he was with me. Repeat - he is mentally ill.

It's amazing to me that he can have someone in his life already in less than a month after a 3 year relationship. I couldn't even imagine dating someone right now. I don't know why this bugs me so much today. It's a delayed reaction and I need a place to vent. I haven't cried once over the break up of our relationship but I came close today.

[Dog biscuit]

This must be hard, all the emotions stirred up again. Ride it, sit it out, there is no other way to get over this. Feel the hurt and own it, it makes you the sane one. 

[winston72]

Hey FC832! 

So sorry for the pain and grief you are feeling.  I must say that his life trajectory does not sound too glorious, nor is it compelling that he "gets to move on and pretend... . "  It is just that, an ongoing facade.

I have had many events and delayed reactions similar to what you described.  I came to think of them as the delay in connecting/merging image and reality... . fantasy and facts.  I was terribly wounded by at one time believing fully in the image, only to be hurt when reality emerged.  When I would have an encounter such as yours, my initial reaction is to the facade, and then the reality of how threatening and painful the truth is rushes in, albeit later.  That secondary reaction was my intuition or inner self responding to the threat of that kind of deceptive person. 

[feelingcrazy7832]

Winston - I agree and will remember your comment about merging fantasy and facts. That's what I've been trying to do all day today.

[love4meNOTu]

He's almost 40 and his parents are still taking care of him?

Sounds like my ex, he's 45 and takes handouts from his grandmother. My ex is real scum though... he stole from me too.

Yes, he will be the same person he is now with her.

No question about it, consider yourself lucky.

L

[DiamondSW]

Wow, I thought my BPDexgf was a scrounger at 30... .  

What a relief you got away from this plonker.  He sounds like a drain/sewer on everyone.  You don't need encouragement, you need congratulating!  Well done for getting away 

[winston72]

Yes, I agree with you L4M... . he is smiling and waving to the crowd as that shiny Caddy is driving right into a sink hole.  I would say off a cliff, but that is too dramatic and nihilistic.  It tends to be into the next collision.

FC832... . I marvel at myself for how long it takes me/has taken to see the "facts"... . in my case, to see my ex as a whole person.  By this I mean that I have clung to the better "sides" of her, as though they are separate from the difficult and hurtful sides.  I still bounce between these two versions of her in my mind.  And, I am learning that there are not two version... . just one!  :)uh, of course.  But, somehow it persists.  And, for me, that "gap" is a source of anxiety for me... . now I am struggling for words, but suffice to say that acknowledging the facts, seeing the whole person... . and then acknowledging the facts about yourself... . how it all makes you feel, what you need and making this a balance and healthy priority... . is the way forward.

[feelingcrazy7832]

At least I got somewhat of a smile out of the last few posts. Winston - I did start going to see a therapist and I remember that's one of the things that she told me to do... . is see him as one whole person rather than trying to separate the "good boyfriend" vs. the "raging, maniac, drug addict BPD psycho".

Yes, almost 40... . mommy and daddy still to have to pay ALL his bills. What the hell was i thinking? I've always taken care of myself. Always. Left home at 17 to go to college, got two degrees, have a successful career and never depended on anyone to take care of me. He and I couldn't be at further extremes. Yuck, I can't believe I let this loser get to me like this.

[DiamondSW]

God wish I could meet a woman who could do all this by herself.

My ex couldn't even compile a CV... .

or, hang on, maybe that was perhaps there was nothing to put on her CV? 

oh yes, that was it.  Does lots of praying at church count as a job?  shopping? making my life hell?   

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi FC

It bugs you bc, it hurts, its ok 

I know that feeling, knowing that the person you invested so much love and time with, maybe gallavanting around with someone else, while you feel sad/ hurt/ angry/ broken.

You know also that he will repeat the same destructive habits.

You know that theres really a mobility scooter under the cadillac facade... .

What about you? How are you doing friend?

You have the ability to move on and be a better person,to learn , you can move on.

Youre going to be ok.