Blaming myself - having a bad day - am I BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been doing quite well with NC since Xmas.  Generally I have been happier and more settled than I have been for years.

But today, I found myself thinking about things and blaming myself for my recent divorce.

After a turbulent 9 year relationship/marriage, I divorced my BPD(?) ex husband.  This happened because after a few good days together, out of the blue he text me telling me he wanted to end our relationship.  I immediately sent divorce papers and even though he said a couple of days after sending the text that he didn't want to rush into a divorce, I still went ahead.

I have been thinking that maybe I am BPD because I ended our marriage before he did.  I retaliated to his request of ending our relationship by divorcing him before he could divorce me.  I really, truly believe that if I had done nothing, he would have come back to me after a couple of days to cool down.  This was usually the case after a row.  He would leave for a few days, then beg to come back.  This time, he didn't beg although he did get in touch as though nothing had happened and I told him that I was still going ahead with the divorce.  If he had asked me to stop the divorce I would have done, but he never did.  He just kept saying throughout the proceedings that he was in no rush but he never actually said he wanted me to stop it.

I know that I am better off without him and my life has improved so much without him being around, but I can't help feeling that things could have been different if I hadn't acted so quickly regarding the divorce.

He had a new woman after a few days (or so he said) so it really doesn't look like it bothered him at all.  I now blame myself for this because if I had responded to him like I always did before, by ignoring the fact that he 'dumped' me and carrying on like nothing had happened, then we could still be married now because he wouldn't have gone off with her.

I feel so stupid for thinking this way, but it has been going through my head all day.

I guess I just want reassurance that I did the right thing 

[Popcorn71]

I have been doing quite well with NC since Xmas.  Generally I have been happier and more settled than I have been for years.

But today, I found myself thinking about things and blaming myself for my recent divorce.

After a turbulent 9 year relationship/marriage, I divorced my BPD(?) ex husband.  This happened because after a few good days together, out of the blue he text me telling me he wanted to end our relationship.  I immediately sent divorce papers and even though he said a couple of days after sending the text that he didn't want to rush into a divorce, I still went ahead.

I have been thinking that maybe I am BPD because I ended our marriage before he did.  I retaliated to his request of ending our relationship by divorcing him before he could divorce me.  I really, truly believe that if I had done nothing, he would have come back to me after a couple of days to cool down.  This was usually the case after a row.  He would leave for a few days, then beg to come back.  This time, he didn't beg although he did get in touch as though nothing had happened and I told him that I was still going ahead with the divorce.  If he had asked me to stop the divorce I would have done, but he never did.  He just kept saying throughout the proceedings that he was in no rush but he never actually said he wanted me to stop it.

I know that I am better off without him and my life has improved so much without him being around, but I can't help feeling that things could have been different if I hadn't acted so quickly regarding the divorce.

He had a new woman after a few days (or so he said) so it really doesn't look like it bothered him at all.  I now blame myself for this because if I had responded to him like I always did before, by ignoring the fact that he 'dumped' me and carrying on like nothing had happened, then we could still be married now because he wouldn't have gone off with her.

I feel so stupid for thinking this way, but it has been going through my head all day.

I guess I just want reassurance that I did the right thing 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Popcorn71,

I'm sorry you are blaming yourself for the divorce, that hurts. Just because you followed through with it, doesn't mean you have BPD.  We all have the potential to behave in what we've come to know as "BPDish" ways, it's not the same as suffering from the disorder. 

He had a new woman after a few days (or so he said) so it really doesn't look like it bothered him at all.  I now blame myself for this because if I had responded to him like I always did before, by ignoring the fact that he 'dumped' me and carrying on like nothing had happened, then we could still be married now because he wouldn't have gone off with her.

Was that the relationship that you wanted, was it fulfilling and healthy for you?    Why do you think that you went ahead with the divorce this time, and not the other times?

Be gentle with yourself, Popcorn.  You have a right to do what's right for you, to have boundaries, to value yourself.  We're here for you. 

[Popcorn71]

Was that the relationship that you wanted, was it fulfilling and healthy for you?    Why do you think that you went ahead with the divorce this time, and not the other times?

Parts of the relationship were what I wanted.  When we spent time together, on our own it was usually good.  However, this time had become less and less frequent and he was usually busy doing other things or 'working'.  This wasn't the case for the first few years of our relationship and I just accepted it as being 'normal' as we had been together for so long.  I can see now that he always found time to spend doing things he wanted to do and he is now finding plenty of time for the new woman, so I guess he really just didn't want to spend much time with me.  The effect the relationship had on other parts of my life - my relationships with family and my kids, no job, lack of self esteem and looking back, I think mild depression, was not healthy at all.

I went ahead with the divorce this time because once I found out he was with somebody else, that was the end for me.  I went through a similar break up with my first husband and even though I tried to forgive him for cheating, I couldn't.  I had talked about this many times with my ex BPDh and he knew that this would be the breaking point for me.  Up until I knew about the new woman, I was hoping he would ask to come back and I would have stopped the divorce immediately.  I just wanted him to want me and for him to want to come back.  But now I can see that he must have really wanted to end things, because he knew that after being with another woman I could never have him back.  When he told me about her he actually said, 'It's happened now and there's no going back'.  He sounded regretful but he knew that I could never forgive that.

So I went through with a divorce that I didn't want, but could see no alternative.

[fromheeltoheal]

One component of a healthy relationship is to never, ever threaten the relationship itself.  Sure, fight, scream, yell, hash things out, sit down and have adult conversations, make up, all of it, but never threaten the relationship.  If someone isn't into it they need to just leave, not threaten to leave.  You did the right thing.

You have a lot of history with this guy, and you said you've been happier and more settled than I have been for years.  There's more confirmation you did the right thing.

We all exhibit what could be classified as BPD traits now and then.  If you really were borderline you wouldn't be expressing self doubt to us, you'd be blaming him and making him the bad guy instead.

The new gal, if she exists, is a shiny object to divert his attention, just avoidance.  You are on the path of healing and growing, and you're not going to get over a 9 year relationship in a month.

NC since Christmas is awesome!  Good for you, and we're going to have days like this as we heal and process; feel everything today, but don't let it divert the path you're on.

Take care of you!

[Popcorn71]

Thanks for your replies.

I chatted with my daughter and her friend earlier about some problems I am having with my ex and an ongoing financial settlement that he appears to be delaying for some unknown reason.  Weird - because I have to pay him so you would think he'd be rushing it through not stalling!  Maybe when this is sorted out, he will be on my mind less.

Anyway, my daughter's friend said that she didn't like my ex, she only spoke to him out of respect for me.  So many people have told me this.  He really wasn't as popular as we thought.  On the other hand, people I thought didn't like me have been very friendly to me since we split up, so maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.

Also my daughter and a friend I talked to earlier, both said the same thing, he's delaying it because it's the final connection, the real point of no return, no excuse for any contact after that.  They also think it's because he has started to buy a house for him and the new woman to live in and he can't go ahead until he gets the payment from me.  At the moment he can be making plans for a future with her, making it look like he's doing what she wants, while blaming me for the delay and getting out of something he doesn't really want to do.  His new life is so totally what he always said he didn't want, that nobody can understand why he left me.  Everyone I have spoken to about this thinks he has gone mad.  Why give up all he had, for a life that actually appears to be a bit crappy and far less comfortable, with a woman that will face a lot of prejudice in this area and cause a lot of people to stop associating with him?

I have to keep reminding myself that I DID do the right thing. He was no good for me.   I will get through these bad days and better times are coming 

[seeking balance]

I have to keep reminding myself that I DID do the right thing. He was no good for me.   I will get through these bad days and better times are coming 

Keep telling yourself this!

Many of us here have wondered if we did the right thing, in the end - we really did what we thought we had to do at the time to survive.  The chaos of these relationships, especially in the end, can really make us doubt everything we know to be true.

Once the financial settlement is over, you can have some separation and you will feel a bit less off - you may be sad or depressed (this is normal, what normal people feel when they get a divorce), but you will stop doubting yourself so much.

Hang in there,

SB

[Tausk]

Yes, Hang in there.  It's very hard.  The missing part is like a giant void.  But the truth is, that my interaction with my ex, didn't fill the void, but really just covered it.  Just like a throw carpet covering a big hole in the living room of my soul. 

When I was with my ex, I just tried not to stop on the hole because that would force me to look at my issues.  

As far as your ex and the confusion... . IT'S A DISORDER!  We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't even control it.

And I think waiting nine years before making a decision to leave, probably doesn't make you BPD.  Only you and your therapist know for sure    Just like your whether you color your hair.

It's going to get harder before it gets easier, but it does get better everyday if we work on ourselves.

Thanks for posting,

T

[arn131arn]

Thanks for your replies.

I chatted with my daughter and her friend earlier about some problems I am having with my ex and an ongoing financial settlement that he appears to be delaying for some unknown reason.  Weird - because I have to pay him so you would think he'd be rushing it through not stalling!  Maybe when this is sorted out, he will be on my mind less.

Anyway, my daughter's friend said that she didn't like my ex, she only spoke to him out of respect for me.  So many people have told me this.  He really wasn't as popular as we thought.  On the other hand, people I thought didn't like me have been very friendly to me since we split up, so maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.

Also my daughter and a friend I talked to earlier, both said the same thing, he's delaying it because it's the final connection, the real point of no return, no excuse for any contact after that.  They also think it's because he has started to buy a house for him and the new woman to live in and he can't go ahead until he gets the payment from me.  At the moment he can be making plans for a future with her, making it look like he's doing what she wants, while blaming me for the delay and getting out of something he doesn't really want to do.  His new life is so totally what he always said he didn't want, that nobody can understand why he left me.  Everyone I have spoken to about this thinks he has gone mad.  Why give up all he had, for a life that actually appears to be a bit crappy and far less comfortable, with a woman that will face a lot of prejudice in this area and cause a lot of people to stop associating with him?

I have to keep reminding myself that I DID do the right thing. He was no good for me.   I will get through these bad days and better times are coming 

I think my ex is doing the same thing with the custody of my son.  This is the ONLY thing that is keeping us connected.  That and all of her clothing and knick knacks stuff she has left at my house.

Anyway,, I am so glad when I start feeling the way you are now (which I have done for the past 4 days) I have a plaec on these boards where others have shared the SAME EXACT experiences as me, and then I can say, "No way, that's not me... . I am not the one with BPD!"

[Perfidy]

You did exactly the right thing popcorn. He asked for a divorce and you gave it to him. Commendable. No game no bs. Good move. My diagnosis of your mental health=perfectly normal. By taking blame you are taking responsibility. PwBPD don't take responsibility and blame everyone except themselves. You are healthy.

[arn131arn]

One component of a healthy relationship is to never, ever threaten the relationship itself.  Sure, fight, scream, yell, hash things out, sit down and have adult conversations, make up, all of it, but never threaten the relationship.  If someone isn't into it they need to just leave, not threaten to leave.  You did the right thing.

You have a lot of history with this guy, and you said you've been happier and more settled than I have been for years.  There's more confirmation you did the right thing.

We all exhibit what could be classified as BPD traits now and then.  If you really were borderline you wouldn't be expressing self doubt to us, you'd be blaming him and making him the bad guy instead.

The new gal, if she exists, is a shiny object to divert his attention, just avoidance.  You are on the path of healing and growing, and you're not going to get over a 9 year relationship in a month.

NC since Christmas is awesome!  Good for you, and we're going to have days like this as we heal and process; feel everything today, but don't let it divert the path you're on.

Take care of you!

My ex would threaten the demise of our relationship and family once a week.  14 years of that and more recycles than I have digits, I'm surprised I'm not 6 feet under.

I had a terrible neck pain the past 5-6 years... . seriously, I have not felt it in weeks.