Was my mom BPD...

[Take2]

I grew up in what I have always felt was a pretty normal household.  Parents almost split up when I was like 10?  but they stayed together and we had an intact family - both parents, two daughters.  Me being the younger daughter.  My parents argued alot. Alot.  But not scary fighting.  Nothing physical or anything.

I remember one of my friends loved to come to our house because it was more interactive than hers.  We would always have a good family dinner for holidays and invite people - always did dinners every night as a family throughout the week.  I think all was fairly normal (although I didn't see my parents as ever really being very loving) - but once I was into my 20s, my mom, who could be volatile here and there while growingup, truly seemed to morph into a crazy person.  It took a while... .   I don't even remember when or how... .   I know that she became even more difficult than she used to be... .   I remember in my early 20s being upset about some life crisis (like a boyfriend or something that seemed really important at the time to me) and her telling me that she had worried about the rest of us for the last 20 years and she didn't want to do that anymore.

Who does that ?   I'd NEVER tell my daughter that.  And it was around then that she became just so unpreditable.  You never knew if she would laugh or rage at you over minor comments like "oh the sky is blue today".  You never knew what would set her off. 

Then she had an affair for a while - and screamed it at me as my friend was over one day.  I was MORTIFIED.

Then she became friendly with another woman on our block and they seemed to engage in an anorexic competition - my mom at 5'3" dropped to 75lbs.   And that's when things reallllllly got bad.

She would never get help - even after she got reallllly sick and we had to practically force her into the hospital on the day after Christmas (many ears ago) - because she couldn't stay conscious as we opened presents on Christmas morning... .   somehow she survived... .   but she was as mean and difficult and unpredictable as ever... .   she became very combative with my dad and me.  One time she tried to get physical and push me around - but even though I'm 5'2", an 80lb woman really can't do much.  But she scratched my dad's face once.  I was really worried for a bit that she might do major damage to him... .

She passed away 12 years ago... . But I still wonder now as I'm trying to break free of a a borderline man - was my mom borderline?  why didn't she show all of this as I grew up?  she wasn't in treatment - she refused as we were adults - and I know she never did as a child.  I feel like there is alot unanswered for me... .   but clearly she was not stable... .  

Does anyone know if BPD can peak after many years of being quiet?  is that possible?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Take2,

At the very least, your mother may have had some BPD traits. The behavior you describe does outline several common BPD traits (self-harm, refusal to seek treatment, emotional instability). What similarities do you see in your mother and your borderline partner?

It's possible for the BPD traits to be stronger or more prevalent at times (especially when the person with BPD is stressed), but it's hard to say for sure that your mother had it. How are you doing now? How would things change for you if you found out that your mother had BPD?

-GG

[PrettyPlease]

Hi Take2,

I also found myself in the position of wondering this about my mother, after she had passed away.

I see some parallels with your situation -- for instance, I don't believe my mother's BPD-like traits were there strongly when I was young, and became much worse as she neared the end of her life.

A hunch I have -- which perhaps could apply to your FOO as well? -- is that for my mother the 'mother role' was more or less sufficient to quell her fear of abandonment, as long as there were children (and a husband) around. Then the children were gone, and eventually my father died, after which she got much worse, much more obviously BPD I'd say now, at least in hindsight.

I agree with GeekyGirl that it will be hard to ever know for sure, and also that it's interesting to note the BPD traits and see if similar ones are/were in our BPD partners.

I feel that doing this sort of analysis has helped me understand some patterns in my own personality, including not only obvious parts of my character but also ones that were repressed; things I didn't feel, didn't notice, didn't talk about, didn't worry about, didn't see, because it wasn't part of the 'accepted program' in my FOO.

In other words, for me (and maybe for you) there are compensating, reactionary effects because of these BPD traits -- for instance, you describe quite a bit of arguing in your FOO; did this affect you, emotionally? Did you feel neglected, for example, by your parents absorption in each other in conflict? Or some other effect?

PP

[Take2]

The similarities between my mom and my exBPDbf - include never knowing what kind of mood they would be in, never knowing what would set them off on a massive rage, refusal to seek treatment, the self harm was my mom only as I've never known my ex to self harm (except to sabotage his r/s)... .

I don't think anything would really change for me if I knew my mom was BPD or if I had a clear idea of what her condition was - and I say condition because she was apparently misdiagnosed as schizophrenic prior to having children - like in the early 60s maybe?  She never told me this - my dad, known to have terrible recollection of things - told me.  I want information but I have no idea where or when that diagnosis was ever made and there is no family left to ask about it that would know. 

When I was 27 (almost 20 years ago - yikes) - and my mom was in the hospital for being so ill and weighing 70lbs and almost dying that one Christmas - I had a memory come to me from when I was like 3 or 4 years old of my mom being in the hospital where they did not allow children to visit so my dad brought us to the window outside her room to see her.  She was there for like a week or two?  I have no idea.  I couldn't believe I had repressed that memory for so long !   I asked my dad about it and why she was there and he couldn't remember !  He's passed away now too. 

Why would she have been in patient at a hospital in the early 70s and not be allowed to see her very young children ?   I don't know that knowing the reason would help or hurt me.

But for some reason, I feel like I DO need to know.  (trying to figure out how to get access to her medical records).

As an adult, I've had huge fears of abandonment and it's never made sense to me why.  I am intelligent, successful and capable.  I guess I hope that the more I can learn about my mom, the more I can hope to understand where my own fears and issues come from... .

[Take2]

Oh yeah - Pretty Please - I meant to also say that yes, it WAS when my mom seemed to go thru the empty nest syndrome that things began to spiral out of control... .   and as she lost weight, I don't doubt that the physical component of being severely underweight did affect her brain, her emotions, etc.  She was just so wildly unhealthy.   Part of my driving force to workout, be strong... .

As a child though, I don't ever recall feeling neglected... . my mom was ALWAYS there for me (except for that one hospital stay).  Her world revolved around us and I was a HUGE mommy's girl... .

[Moonbeam77]

I don't doubt that the physical component of being severely underweight did affect her brain, her emotions, etc.  She was just so wildly unhealthy.   Part of my driving force to workout, be strong... .

As a child though, I don't ever recall feeling neglected... . my mom was ALWAYS there for me (except for that one hospital stay).  Her world revolved around us and I was a HUGE mommy's girl... .

I am a RN that works on a hospital floor that takes care of people that have eating disorders.  Approximately 30% of patients that have an eating disorder also have BPD.  That being said, it is true people that are severely underweight also have malnourished brains.  Even without a BPD diagnosis our low weighted patients tend to be emotional volatile, impulsive, manipulative, and obsessive.  Often times the sole goal is to provide nutrition so the brain can begin to heal itself before any really therapy can be done.  Also most of the psychiatric medications don't have much of an effect on severely underweight people.   

[GeekyGirl]

I can understand why you'd want to know the truth about your mother, Take2. Not only would it help you understand why she behaved the way she did, but it might give you some closure too. She sounds like she did exhibit BPD behaviors, so even if she wasn't diagnosed with BPD, it's possible that she had it.

Your mother's behavior was definitely concerning. It had to be very upsetting to see her so ill and frail, and it can be very painful having a mother that rages.

Are you working with a therapist? That's helped me to work through my fears and self-doubt. It might also help you find the answers you're looking for. In the meantime, it's good that you're working on yourself and coming out of this a stronger person.  

[Tayto]

In my opinion it sounds like depression,  you mentioned that she was worried about all of her children, maybe just maybe she was worried that she might not make it as a parent and wanted to get yee to a certain age.

having that over you can become depressing as you have no control over it. Controlling your food intake or lack of it on your mom's case could be her way of trying to deal with something that was overwhelming for her.

I know a lad who bacame an alcoholic because his father handed him over the family business and he felt overwhelmed so he became an alcoholic as he could control that.  These were his words.

Do you feel that your mother loved you ?