I don't know how to deal with him

[MissTajo]

He doesn't have maturity enough yet to confront his problems. So... . when facing a hard time he closes himself in his own cocoon. Even when things are just a little different from the routines, he shuts down.

He is 33 years old. Dropped out of college (couldn't fit in), got away from the 3 jobs he had (only stayed there for weeks or days) and in one job interview , they were really satisfied with him, he was polite and intelligent, but the interviewer asked what were those scars on his wrists and he told her that he had a past of self mutilation episodes but didn't anymore so she didn't accepted him there. He felt rejected and never again searched for another job.

I try to tell him that I love him for what he is and not for the fact that he works or not but... . what could happen to us? I have my house, a work I love but it wont cover for a life together. He is capable of work but he is afraid and gets upset and depressed if I mention it.

If somehow my period is late he sleeps until it finally comes. He gets so depressed and afraid he doesn't leave the bed. (he has a child with a neurotic girl and he doesn't see him much tough he calls everyday and the kid adores him - they live far)

His mother pays for the therapist and expenses (he lives with her) but she is also a very co-dependent person who makes him stay at home and be as depressed has her... .

I love him, but I want a future... . What can I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[MissTajo]

If someone could help me please  :'(

[lemon flower]

so at the moment you are not living together ? are you sure things will get better if he lives with you ? from my experience and loads of people here I would say that living together could make things go worse. he will probably rely on you for everything, including working for two... .

if he feels depressed and uncertain, than a good therapy and maybe medication against fear and depression might help him to get active again, but only if he finds a motivation for himself (maybe the idea of earning some money for something he really wants ?)

BPD's often do not feel much responsability for their own life, let go for your life or a life together, your ideas of how you see a future together might be not within reach (yet), and putting too much pressure on him will make it worse.

I would advice you to live by the day, try not to expect too much at once, and meanwhile I hope you can manage things on your own !

[MissTajo]

Well , he does takes meds for a long time. He visits a shrink every three months who adjusts the portions.

My real fear is that I cant let go off this image of what our lifes could be. I have lost both my parents before I was 30 and I need very much to have someone I can rely on. Im self sufficient but ... . Am I asking for too much? I guess I am. I didnt plan to fall in love with someone without any plans to get his things together... . I need to make plans and follow them tru.

[Kifazes]

If you're looking for someone you can rely on at times, you will not find that with a pwBPD.

You're not asking for too much. Anyone else would probably be very capable, but just not him.

I speak from experience.

BPD was livable. And when we got to live together, it got worse. He even 'tricked' me into buying a house together. Now I'm stuck. I can't leave for the next two years, because we will have to pay a huge fine to the bank. Money we don't have.

I can never, and I do not exaggarate (spelling?) when I say NEVER, rely on him. It's the other way around.

Since a while ago, I'm having much problems with my ex. And still, he wants to rely on me. Not only do I have to deal with my problems and try to fix them and be there for him as well. I can't even talk to him about my problems cause he will just dysregulate, and give me even MORE concerns and problems.


I know I'm not much of a help, but I do can share my experience.

My advise would be: go look for someone you deserve. If not, don't expect much support from him over the years, living together or not.

Good luck!

[tiredndown]

I love him, but I want a future... . What can I do?

I wish the news for you was better, unfortunately there is not much you can do to help him. Normal people are simply not qualified to be of any help whatsoever to someone with BPD.