Please advise... need some guidance BPD strikes again

[acknowledgement]

Glad you are here! This forum helped me so much last year with a BPD friend. She gave the silent treatment for weeks over a perceived injustice, we talked it through, vacationed together, seemed to have a good relationship in a long distance friendship, even agreed to plan a trip together each year - we took one trip and had a really nice time together fast forward two years... . I had surgery and was layer up in bed with limited phone text contact. This enraged her and she said she "forgot" about the annual trip we had discussed planning.she e mailed to wish a happy birthday to me and  I emailed back and called her and asked her to please return my calls (it was my birthday). She sent an unkind note stating she did not want to talk now and would choose be silent as it was "golden". She then went on to say we are not the same place and she looks at us different. Se has refused to return my several phone calls - went from hot to cold in a day. Can you please help I have known this friend for decades and feel sad by her emotional anguish and lack of regulation... do I just give space and not call again as this will "trigger" more anger and emotion or will this be perceived irrationally by her as a lack of interest love support if I do not try to call again?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, acknowledgement... .

I'm really sorry this is happening to you; I've had something similar happen to me years ago with a friend who loved me one day, and then the next time I called her to chat she was cold and distant. And it was never the same again. In those days (a very long time ago!) I had no idea that BPD existed, but today I believe that she probably has that--or at least traits of BPD.

Have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? I don't know for sure if they will solve your problems, but I do believe that you would at least gain insights into what is going on with her. Maybe these can help, too: Our Dysfunctional Relationships with Others, TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts and US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?. I know that when my friend changed from hot to cold overnight, it really hurt my feelings and I never found out what had happened... . I wish I had the knowledge available from this site, at that time, so I could at least have had some idea of what to do next. I hope the links above (and the ones you will find to the right-hand margin of this page) can make a difference for you, acknowledgement 

[acknowledgement]

Thank you. The resources are wonderful and I am reviewing them all again... . I was hoping for some insight or guidance as to whether I should validate her feelings of "something is not the same with us 8 am choosing silence"... . silent treatment round three or four from her over several years... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, acknowledgement... .

I think, in retrospect (and if I'd known then what I do know now), that using validation and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth I may have been able to "fix" or at least navigate that relationship better. Not knowing any of that, I just called her and tried to engage a conversation (though I never said "What happened? What did I do?" because I was afraid to) one last time and when she hardly said anything and wouldn't commit to getting together again, I just gave up with my feelings hurt. I think if you use the tools we have here, it could be better.

So, yes, validate her feelings and see if you can use Support, Empathy and Truth to move things in a better direction. Let us know what you do, and how it works... . Or if you have more questions, continue to ask them here and we'll see if we can help 

[acknowledgement]

Thank you. Although familiar with SET, how would I approach that, as she "expressed" her feelings in an e-mail and proclaiming silence will be her method, and has not returned 2-3 phone calls where I did state I loved her and valued our friendship and would love to hear from her... . she stated in her e mail that "things are something is not the same with us... . and she is looking at us from another approach and right now does not want to talk to me?" How do I validate that - through an e mail? and what types of things can I say to her that follow the SET model?

[Rapt Reader]

I would do it by email.

Also, are you familiar with "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? I recommend you read that book if you haven't already (it's my BPD Bible of all things relating to the disorder). On page 331 she wrote an Acceptance/Acknowledgment Declaration that I've used in emails with my uBPD D-I-L in the past that has helped our relationship get over a No Contact or Limited Contact bump:

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

If you think this would work for you and your relationship with her, you can use S.E.T. in the beginning of the email and close with the statement above, expecting nothing in return (this is not a magic wand, of course), but at least you will feel better for giving it a try. For the S.E.T. in the beginning of the email? Maybe something like this:

S=Support: "Hi, (friend's name). I understand that you are not interested in talking to me right now, and I will honor your wishes.

E=Empathy: "I can see that you are feeling that things are not the same with us anymore, and that you are looking at our relationship from a different prospective, and you need time to process that.

T=Truth: "I want to give you that time, although I will always be here for you when you are interested in communicating again. I value our friendship, and don't want to do anything that would jeopardize it, (friend's name).

A/A Declaration: "I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

Love,

acknowledgement"



I am not you, and this relationship is personal to you and only you will know exactly the words to say, and if something like that, above, would be comfortable for you and would work for the relationship with your friend. This is short and sweet, and should at least not make things worse (hopefully). What do you think?