Eating problems, lying, excuses, and complete change. How do I survive?

[SamsungUser86]

My wife is diagnosed BPD, Bi-Polar, and has PTSD.

On meds but no current therapy. Was in therapy in the past.

Please read and bear with me. I really need some advice/encouragement/support.

I feel like I am going crazy because when I tell her that she has changed since we got married (October), she says maybe I am the one that changed. She is on medication, but not yet able to go to therapy because of the costs and there is no time for it this month. But, things are just getting out of hand. She used to be so motivated. She used to be the one who came up with ways to save money, lose weight, become a team, and work together even through the difficult times of her "episodes." However, I feel like my life is going down hill because of her. She is constantly hiding food from me. Which is paradoxical in the fact that we have a joint bank account so I see every time she goes to buy food.

When we were trying to eat healthier she at first told me that we don't have enough groceries to eat healthy. Then, once we get groceries and I fill out fridge she says that she doesn't have time to prepare the food. Then, I am not only doing the grocery shopping but also cooking and preparing food for her. I eat less so that she would have food to last her longer so I am going to work hungry hoping she will eat the healthy food I pack her that she says she likes. Then, she comes home from a 16 hour shift with a full lunch box telling me she ate from it, but that it just looks like she didn't eat a lot because I packed SO much food in there; which by the way is not true at all. She should be eating technically more than what I am packing her in her cooler. So, she doesn't eat the food I cook and pack then still goes and eats fast food and/or eats out. She has spent over $100 just on eating out in the last 10 DAYS. This is something we simply can't afford. I have been going back and forth with her about this so many times now that she just gets angry at me for bringing it up. All she can tell me is to let her "figure it out" when I ask her why she is doing this. There always seems to be a excuse and/or explanation for what she is doing. Nothing out of her mouth seems genuine and I feel like I can't trust her. I even told her flat out that I don't trust her anymore and when I tell her I am tired of her lies and half-truths she looks at me like i'm crazy and asks me to name off her lies, which of course all are true to her. So either she is believing her own lies, or is completely delusional and disassociated from what is going on. 

This is how bad it is: She cooked pork chops and corn yesterday which completely surprised me. She said she was going to take the food with her to school and then to work. She has been forgetting her food in the morning at home so I even made a morning checklist which I taped onto the bedroom door so she can look at it to make sure she takes her meds, packs her bags, remembers her name badge, and remembers to take food and water with her since she is gone all hours of the day. Still, she says she forgets to take the food with her and keeps telling me every day that her memory is getting really bad. Does anyone else's significant other say that a lot? That their memory is bad and that's why they don't remember? Like, one day she spent $6 at Mcdonald's for breakfast and $15 at Burger King for lunch and when I approached her about it she told me she only spent $6 on food today. And I tell her that's not true and she denies it completely. When i show her the bank account she doesn't apologize or anything, she just says she doesn't remember that then it still upset with me. I feel like I am losing my mind just typing all this because to those who don't have mental illness this seems completely crazy.

The food thing and the amount of money she is spending is driving me up a wall. I am getting disgusted. I am a foot taller than her and weigh less than her. I am still attracted to her and love her, but her lying and spending money we don't have even when there are groceries at home is just completely turning me away from her. I feel like the motivated, happy, and team-spirited girl i've always known with the occasional mood disorder is completely different and now i'm going crazy. I've talked to her mom and she tells me to let the food thing go, but when so much money is spent on it, it effects me and my bills too. I can't let it go, but I also can't seem to do anything about it. I can't say anything to her in a way that doesn't make her angry. I can't just take her debit card away like a father would.

I feel like I am dealing with a child who has no concept of reality and can't even think to think of my side of our problems. She always has a explanation and/or excuse for what she is doing and always explains away when I tell her I am worried and/or concerned and/or upset. Like, if I had spent money on something in the past she would argue with me about it and bring it up in arguments over and over even though the money i had spent was for something completely different. Like just the other day she brought up some $60 charge from Amazon that I had spent that she didn't know about it, and then when I told her she knows very well that was a textbook rental for school from Amazon she shut up and explained it away by saying, "yeah whatever... . " Like, i work all day working 2 jobs and go to school full time on top of that, and I told her i wanted to take her to the state fair for Valentine's Day this Sunday. I knew she'd love it, and I really needed a break from everything that's been going on... . but now we can't even do that because she spent too much damn money on food.

Fellow BPD family... . what am I to do? I have always known her to have her diagnoses and have been through plenty with her but this is taking a turn for the worse. Ever since we got married, things are somehow getting worse. She responded greatly to therapy and get a lot of issues resolved, but I just think what she is going through will need a lot more therapy. I am not at the point of giving ultimatums but I really need advice and/or encouragement.

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[waverider]

She seems to be living on impulse and obsession. If she has an impulse to do something it will be paramount AT THAT TIME, once the impulse goes so does the drive to do that thing,. Similarly things that dont trigger an impulse dont get done. It is an all or nothing mind set.

Most likely she has no structure to her thinking. This comes down to the inability to regulate, not just her emotions but her life.

Act on an impulse now, then make up an excuse to justify it later. As the excuse comes after and is not thought about whilst doing the action the excuses are often completely implausible, often falling back on the same old ones. The drive to do whatever it is outweighs the risk of being caught out.

Nothing will be balanced, this is a life dysregulation issue, it shows though an inability to budget on a daily basis, plan a balanced diet, or regular activities. It is not that they can't or dont know how to, it is the drive that is missing, as all their drive is based on impulse. Impulse is a passing feeling so there is no consistency. If the impulse kicks in they will be onto it obsessively. Consequences are of no concern

When you first met there would have been the idealization factor overlayered on this whereby her drive was to 'sync" with you, you probably felt like you were like minded and bonded, but she probably just had an obsession to mirror or please you. That has now gone and probably wont come back.

How to survive is to find out what the 'real" her is, rather than just the facade she put forward to impress you.

Keep in mind that these impulses override her own mind, she knows its wrong, can't stop, and feels like a failure. Then gives in to an impulse to make herself feel better, the whole lot spirals.

It is the basis of addiction behavior.

I have had to learn to accept that my partner cannot be relied on to tell the truth, when one of these addictive impulses is at play. They believe it is their business and not yours, so they do not feel too bad about covering up.

Ultimatums wont work. You can't control what she does only what you do. If you have financial issues you may need to separate them out so that you have total control over the essentials so they dont take hits from impulsive spendings.

Work out what you will do, and what you wont, and stick to it. What is important, and what isn't. It is too easy to bandwagon a whole lot of small issues onto big ones so that you dont even know where to start.

Keep it simple and consistent for both you and her. It is up to you to impose structure, she can't.

[Dog biscuit]

Sh

I feel like I am dealing with a child who has no concept of reality and can't even think to think of my side of our problems.

From what I read I think this sums it up pretty good!

Is there a possibilty to divide the money between the two of you, so you will each have your own,and she can spend it any way she wants to? make it her responsibility to handle her own money and food obbsession. When she runs out of money you have to hold your ground and dont give in.


Let her figure it out, and feel the consequences.

It reads like you are her father, protector, caretaker, private investagator all at once. It must be really hard on you!