update, it's been awhile

[busybee1116]

I haven't posted in some time for a variety of reasons... . but thought I would return to see how everyone is doing and update my progress! To recap... . I'm in my early 40s and figured out about 4-5 years ago that my mom probably has BPD, and through this site and therapy, figured out my dad probably has NPD. Went through therapy briefly in '10 and learned some stress reduction techniques but T not a great fit, took a year off and switched therapists and have been with this T (very good fit) for almost 2 years. I did a lot of inner child work, CBT and spent the first year essentially making sense of my history and relationship with my parents.  The last 6 months or so I've been transitioning to a lot of self care/living and enjoying my own life, and planning my future. I decided that NC is not an option for me, but did limit contact for awhile, and then put better boundaries in place. They live about an hour away and my (golden child) bro lives 2 states away. Struggled a bit at first with setting/maintain boundaries because I knew some of the consequences could be that they might reject me or attack me. Since then, my uBPDm decided that I was rejecting her/them with these boundaries (told my bro and others that there is "no reason" to live in this state anymore), and impulsively bought a new home on her own in the state between my bro and me. At first, she implied that she would live in this place by herself, but the BPD/NPD dance won and my dad has agreed to move with her. I have mixed feelings about this, but ultimately I think it will be better for me and my relationship with them. Now I have both emotional and geographical boundaries. He helped create the conditions that facilitated this home purchase but is refusing to accept any responsibility for his part and is acting like a helpless victim. He clearly does not want to move and has had insomnia since putting their home on the market. He is passively resisting the process, and is refusing to downsize or pack even though their move-in date is rapidly approaching. My bro is swooping in to rescue. I've offered to help and have visited twice since they listed their home, but have kept my boundaries in place and avoided hopping on the drama triangle.

I think I've moved from venting about my parents to healing and growing. There's still a lot to complain about, and plenty of drama to come, but I'm so grateful to my T for helping me refocus and make some big changes!

[P.F.Change]

  Welcome back, busybee1116!

It sounds like you are in a good place, having done some work on yourself and being willing to keep on with it.  Looking after ourselves with boundaries is important.

What is it like when you talk to your dad? How do you stay in the center when the family has created a drama triangle?

[busybee1116]

In the past, I used to try to protect my dad from my mom and not let him take responsibility for his own actions. Now, I  try to catch myself before leaping to act. For example, my dad emailed about how bad his insomnia was, asked my advice how to treat it (I work in healthcare). It was a "poor-me" look-what-your-mother-has-caused vent, something I would've jumped all over in the past, and probably would have tried to rescue him, persecute my mother.  Instead, I did some reflective listening in my reply and offered support with boundaries, and I didn't take sides. "It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind with the upcoming move and are having a hard time sleeping. Have you talked to your doctor about strategies you can try to alleviate your insomnia? Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you with packing, your upcoming garage sale etc. I have a few free weekends for coming up."  I also pointed him to a website about sleep hygiene (which he predictably dismissed). Before his email reply, I tried to ground myself and realize/remind myself who he is in anticipation his reply would be dismissive. In general he doesn't ask for advice because he feels he is superior in his knowledge base and I purposely avoided giving him much, referred him elsewhere. So when he replied dismissively, I wasn't shocked and didn't feel bated. Accepted that this is who he is. 

Also have gotten better about communication in general and not mind reading or assuming. Another time, he talked about moving a weekend walk that he has my mother to the water, could I suggest one? I live near the beach, in the past I would assume that they were asking to walk with me, spec me to come along, and drop my activities and plans, then get angry and ruminate they didn't take my plans and consideration or conversely didn't include me. This time, I asked for clarification – Since they're looking to walk near the water, is this an invitation for me to join them for a walk? And then told them I have plans but would be happy to help them select a location.

When they were first talking about moving, long before my mother bought the place on her own, they were trying to get my brother and me to express an opinion about what they should do. It was a picking sides kind of moment. I quickly wise-minded, wondering what they were really asking. I knew that if I say go, I'll get blamed if it doesn't go well, and seen as rejecting. If I say stay, they'll complain that I never visit them, and I'm holding them hostage They're moving to senior community, so what I said is that I've always been happy that they have planned well for their future needs as they get older, and that wherever they choose to live, I will try my best to be available here or there if they need me.

[busybee1116]

Sorry for the typos, pecking out in my phone! Spec should be expect, hope you can figure out the rest.

[P.F.Change]

Wow, that is really great, busybee. I really appreciate your sharing this. I know a lot of us feel stuck when we are put in no-win situations, and this is a really good example of how to stay in wisemind and keep boundaries intact.

I bet there are a lot of members here who might have something to add or a question to ask you about this. I hope they'll chime in. 

Glad you're back!