he takes no responsibility and says i'm "sucking him back in"

[wdone]

still shocking to write this, but my uBPDbf left town suddenly 2 weeks ago today.  we have had 2 conversations, and have texted a bit.  first conversation he says he loves me many times and we talk about how i may move there and he says maybe i can visit in a month or two.  next time i talked to him (as my T predicted) he has switched and said he ran from me, etc etc.

he left A LOT of his things here over a year ago when i asked him to move out because he wasn't getting help.  he left his bed, furniture, clothes, shoes, dishes, and some things special to him that for example, things he made, or spiritual things... .  

i've posted about this dilemma in the past on here, when he had disappeared and i din't know what to do with his stuff.   i asked him about it a few times (when he would come back into my life and the house), ... and he never took any action to get it, even saying he may move back in , so why get it... and sometimes saying i wouldnt' let him get it, to which i would say he could get it anytime and i was not keeping it from him.

i texted him about his things two days ago, and gave him a few options -- i could hold onto it all in case he decides to come back here, i can try to sell it for him and give him the money, or i can bring it with me if we decided i was going to move there... .

he texted back that i "made it impossible for him to get his stuff" and that i was

"sucking him back in again"... . and "thanks a lot, honey"

i felt somewhat proud of myself for seeing how he was flipping it around on me, him not getting his things, or even attempting to--AND blaming me for having feelings for me by saying i was "sucking him back in" ! 

but, i am saddened at how much he cannot own his part - his behavior or his feelings... .

also, i remembered how he once was having a nightmare about 5 years ago, and he was making some horrible sounds, crying and moaning, so i gently put my hand on his chest and he awoke, and pushed me away, saying i was making him have nightmares with my mind and putting evil spirits in him... .

he's also said that i was a witch, using mind control on him--controlling his thoughts and feelings.   :'( it makes me cry writing this, as it's been so hard for me to accept and look at--as it is so bizarre and also because he doesn't trust me at times to such a huge degree...

does this sound like BPD? the blaming, the not being responsible for his feelings and actions, and him being so paranoid he thinks i am controlling his thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dog biscuit]

I dont know what it sounds like, in terms of a mental dissease, but I do know it feels very "off" and psychotic, reading about his behaviors and what he says and does.

He comes accros as paranoide and psychotic.

Do you think you will ever be able to accept the fact that he will never be the man you wanthim to be, or to be the partner you want and need? He is ill beyond your help. Beyond anyones help I think.

It is sad and heartbreaking, and I feel for you. Can you imagine yourself giving up on rescueing him or detaching yourself emotionally from his disease? What would happen to you if you would do that?

[wdone]

that's helpful... . i try to do that... . but not enough.  yes, if i am not responsible and i have no control over his illness, there is nothing i can do and i do think i have done all i can (most of the time) 

i would have more peace and probably be able to relax more and focus more on my life... i do get to that place sometimes. but i do always love him and want to be with him.  i cannot explain why this desire and love is so strong, even when i am detached.  i must believe i truly love him and am in love with him, and have never felt this way. 

and, yes, thank you for the feedback about how he sounds psychotic and paranoid... . sometimes, when i remember or realize how sick he is, i feel a surrender, like--how could he possibly show up for me or anyone... .

very sad today... . very very sad

[elemental]

I am curious why you have so much energy wrapped up in "his things" and in pinning him down on what to "do with his stuff".

[wdone]

because i am planning to move... . and he left his things here, and i love him and want him to have a say - ideally... . (especially if i do not move to join him obviously. 

it is important for closure in a relationship, or, if the relationship is continuing, it is important to discuss what to do with furniture, beds, etc... . communication is important... .

[elemental]

I asked because it seems to me that you are possibly putting pressure on him to prove he wants you. When actually, you should be backing off and letting the dust settle.

Do you understand what I mean? I may be wrong, but your anxiety is so high that you are making things worse in an attempt to get validation and support from him that he can't give you right now.

[elemental]

It's been what... 2 weeks since he ran off. And you have been chasing him in circles making demands.


He has BPD.

My boyfriend has BPD. He runs off all the time. He comes back all the time. And he WAITS to come back until I stop chasing him. After I stop, he takes a few days to be sure I am no longer being fun to push around, and THEN he gets bored and lonely and comes back.

Sorry, like I said. You are SO uncomfortable with the unsettled situation you are becoming an obstacle to it calming down.

Go quiet. Drop off the face of the earth for a week from him.  See what happens.

[wdone]

i see what you are saying...

and a bigger part of me is i think trying to stand up for myself... .

i am so sick of this, and i truly am cleaning out my house pretty quickly--posting a bunch of stuff on craigs list and donating a lot of things.  i start my new job next week, and want(ed) to be done with most of it... all of it... his, mine ,and ours...

the one thing that is true is that i am giving him all this power over making decisions, when he yet again abandoned his things, and one of our mutual friends said, and a few of my friends have said--sell his things-he left them.

i am sick of playing the game.

him leaving his things and leaving town did trigger my anxiety. having his things here and him being out of state is even more limbo crap and the limbo makes me anxious.  i am ok today with my being anxious and have been validating how traumatic this would be for anyone.

[wdone]

It's been what... 2 weeks since he ran off. And you have been chasing him in circles making demands.


He has BPD.

My boyfriend has BPD. He runs off all the time. He comes back all the time. And he WAITS to come back until I stop chasing him. After I stop, he takes a few days to be sure I am no longer being fun to push around, and THEN he gets bored and lonely and comes back.

Sorry, like I said. You are SO uncomfortable with the unsettled situation you are becoming an obstacle to it calming down.

Go quiet. Drop off the face of the earth for a week from him.  See what happens.

thank you for sharing your experience instead of just giving your opinion and advice. it is much more effective.