Hello, my first post.

[Rojo]

Where do I begin? My story is very similar to everyone's so the details will not matter so much. I have been reading here for a year now and the support is great. All I know is I have lost myself after the 4 years with my ex. Everything material is gone as well. My business had to be closed, I have gone bankrupt, I have abused drugs and alcohol(never did any before her). My license, car, all gone. The only thing that has not happened are criminal charges, although the police were phoned when I came to her place to talk about closure, the rs, etc.

It has been close to a year and I am still very hurt from it all. I cared so much and tried and tried and tried. In the end I did not meet her needs. The viciousness of this woman can only be understood by people who have gone through it. The stories make me seem crazy to anyone I try to explain it to, family and friends. We share a son who I do not get to see. One very vivid example sticks in my mind that is/was so confusing.

Early in the rs she asked me to watch her child and go in work late(my own business). This was fine she wanted to get a hair cut etc. I felt helping her with this was not a problem. She returns home after hours of pampering herself to say "What have you accomplished since I've been gone?" This was the beginning of a downward spiral of accusations and guilt. I thought I had "accomplished" helping her with her child and giving her personal time she needed to get things done. That was 4 years ago, sound like nothing but I believe you people can understand the shock when it comes out of nowhere. Everything going great and then suddenly angry beyond belief. This was the beginning of every occasion, holiday, birthday etc. to be ruined by me of course.

I feel so drained and used up. Of course she left after cheating, and putting me down constantly. My only relief was alcohol I've lost my job, no rights to see my child. I take responsibility for my choice of how to cope, yet she has taken none for the 4 years of utter abuse and humiliation... .

Thanks for giving me an outlet, I can't hold all this in on my own.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow, sounds like you've been through the wringer man.  I'm sorry all of that happened, these relationships can really do a number on us.  Have you quit drinking and doing drugs?  Are you getting any professional help?  What does your future look like?

[Rojo]

Hi fromheel. Thx for your comment. Its been rough. Yes my drinking has stopped as im trying to get access to my son. I am not seeing a therapist as the ones ive seen are too generic and don't quite relate to what has occurred. Right now im very isolated trying to pick up the pieces of what has been shattered. I was in love, endured and endured and this person just walks away unscathed. Happy in another relationship and now controls me with the court. I feel I am climbing out of a giant hole in the dark, with only a glimmer of light ahead...

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, I know how you feel, sucks.  I recommend you read everything you can on this site regarding the disorder, and there are a lot of good book recommendations too; all of that can give you a better understanding of what happened and where you are.  And then, time to focus on you and your future without her, create an awesome vision of it, and work towards making it reality, one step at a time.  These relationships can really screw us up, and you need to work hard at healing and getting over her, work you wouldn't have done otherwise, but you will benefit from it in general, and after you've done it you may just see yourself as healthier than you were before the relationship started.  Time to get busy.  Take care of you!

[santa]

LOL

This is exactly what BPD do. They want you to spend your entire day catering to them. Then they want to know why you haven't done anything else. It's a no win situation. If you don't help them all day, then you're worthless. If you do help them all day, but you don't make a million dollars while you're at it, then you're also worthless.

It's a ridiculous situation. Good riddance to her, man.

[Rojo]

My mind says this is ridiculous and the best thing for me but my heart is still with her. Even after all the pain and humiliation. Is it really BPD? All the symptoms are there. Why do I miss someone that is vindictive, heartless, and cold? I bend over backwards for her, to be left, I try to communicate and the police are phoned? Ive never been violent. ?

How do they walk away after causing so much damage and live with themselves seemingly joyful. What the heck I know her as a witch, everyone else gets a fun loving girl that wants to have a good time.

Thanks to both of you... . trying to make sense... .

[fromheeltoheal]

My mind says this is ridiculous and the best thing for me but my heart is still with her. Even after all the pain and humiliation. Is it really BPD? All the symptoms are there. Why do I miss someone that is vindictive, heartless, and cold? I bend over backwards for her, to be left, I try to communicate and the police are phoned? Ive never been violent. ?

Although learning about the disorder can help us understand what happened and why, in the end it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is.  Bottom line is we were in a relationship that felt like a dream come true to begin with, then we got the rug pulled out from under us by someone who "changed" on us, then we made it worse by hanging around, paddling upstream against continuous crap, getting further abused.

So in the end this person could not sustain the awesome relationship we had in the beginning, but the good news is we had it, we know we're capable of it and that it feels great and invigorates us.  And we didn't know when we were in it that the person couldn't sustain it, and that some lessons borne out of pain were to follow.  So the good news is to use the lessons to grow, remember we're capable of an awesome relationship, and all we need to do is be a little choosier and wiser going into the next one, where the girl of our dreams will really be that, and not one who turns to a nightmare.  Everything happens for a reason and it's to serve us.

[santa]

It's going to take you awhile to get over this. Just remember that she's no good for you and don't ruminate about her good qualities. I recommend going no contact and reading up on some of the tools this website provides.

Once you're away from her awhile, your mind will clear and you'll be able to be more reasonable about the situation. Right now, your emotions are going to keep you from seeing things for what they are. Just give yourself some time and don't beat yourself up about it if it takes you a long time. You were in a wacky relationship and it takes a long time to recover.

[Rojo]

Very wise of both of you. Yes I know a better relationship can exist almost all have been, but not as intoxicating. Like she's still on a pedestal that I have the power to crumble but haven't. Yes BPD doent matter to me, all I know is from searching the net I was directed here. You are right Fromheel, whatever you label it it was destructive and toxic. Santa im trying to stop believing after all this time I can fix it. IT IS DONE OVER!

This I have trouble accepting, like after crawling through miles of crap you would think there would be a reward.

[santa]

Very wise of both of you. Yes I know a better relationship can exist almost all have been, but not as intoxicating. Like she's still on a pedestal that I have the power to crumble but haven't. Yes BPD doent matter to me, all I know is from searching the net I was directed here. You are right Fromheel, whatever you label it it was destructive and toxic. Santa im trying to stop believing after all this time I can fix it. IT IS DONE OVER!

This I have trouble accepting, like after crawling through miles of crap you would think there would be a reward.

The reward is not being in the crap anymore.

[Rojo]

That made me laugh... . Thx